Part 1: God’s Design for Decision
Making
Modern Myth
1: As a Christian, you can expect God to tell you whether to marry and whom to
marry.
Chapter 1: Obeying God’s moral will
1st
task is decision making
1. Learn what
God want us to do and then do it.
2 facets of
moral will of God.
·
In
its scope
·
In
its impact
God’s moral
will touches every aspect and moment of life (in its scope), and leads to fullness of life (in its impact), it
follow that the believer’s understanding of and proper and response to
the moral will of God are two if the most important components of decision
making that is truly Christian.
Three
Principles on the way of wisdom
i.
Where
God commands, we must obey.
ii.
Where
there is no command, God gives us freedom and responsibility to choose.
iii.
Where
there is no command, God gives us wisdom to choose.
iv.
When
we have chosen what is moral and wise, we must trust the sovereign God to work
all the details together for good.
Chapter 2: Trusting God’s Sovereign
will
1.
Adopted
spiritual objectives that were based on God’s moral will.
2.
Devised
plans that gave him a strategy for accomplishing his goals.
3.
Throughout
the process, his planning was accompanied by prayer.
5 things
about God sovereign will.
1.
Certain
of fulfillment.
2.
Detailed
– including all things.
3.
Hidden
– it cannot be known in advance.
4.
Supreme
– without violating human responsibility or making God the author of sin.
5.
Good
– working all things together for God’s glory and our good.
God can use the
hardships we encounter as a result of living in a fallen world to produce at
least 3 benefits:
1.
We
can gain a deeper experience of God’s presence and grace that comes from
greater dependence upon him (because of our need).
2.
We
can grow in spiritual character as we are cured of our self-centeredness and
become more like Christ.
3.
We
can become equipped, through the process of healing and growth, to minister to
others who experience similar difficulties.
Planning is
legitimate and necessary enterprise.
Once God’s
sovereign control is properly acknowledged, planning is appropriate.
Two truths
reinforced in devised plan:
1.
The
importance of wise, orderly planning.
2.
The
effectiveness of God’s sovereign will in accomplishing the plans of men and the
purposes of God.
The
sovereign will of God has on our decision making, the answer has two parts:
1.
Believers
should make plans humbly, remembering that God is the final sovereign
determiner of every plan.
2.
Believers
should trust the sovereign God to always work things together for good – even
though he does not reveal his sovereign plan ahead of time.
Making
decision pleasing God
1.
God
provided resources for making decision that are acceptable to him.
God revealed his moral will in its totality.
God has instructed us in his Word to seek wisdom for making decisions.
God has informed us how to do it.
God given us a new nature that equipped us with everything we need to
make decision that are pleasing to him.
2.
We
work through the process of arriving at a decision, God is continually present
and working within us.
Every single act of obedience is proof of God’s personal involvement in
our lives.
3.
God
give us wisdom.
God answer our prayer about our decisions.
4.
God
utilizes the circumstances and the very process of decision making to change
our character and bring us to maturity.
God bless our obedience to his moral will and produces his spiritual
fruit in our lives.
Essence of the Way of Wisdom:
Christians are called to make wise decision within the moral will of God,
trusting in the sovereign will of God to accomplish his good purpose in and
through us.
Part 2: God’s Design for Marriage.
Modern Myth
2: Marriage is fundamentally a “couples relationship” designed to meet the
sexual and emotional needs of the spouses. Therefore, the key to a successful
marriage is to find and marry one’s soul mate.
Offspring of
divorced parents reasoned:
·
The
primary cause of divorce is Marriage.
·
The
surest way to avoid the pain of divorce is to refrain from getting married.
Converging
Elements in the Perfect Storm
·
Commitment
to individualism
·
Deinstitutionalization
of marriage
·
Evaporation
of constraints on premarital sex
·
Increased
sexual temptation due to later age for marriage
·
The
divorce epidemic
·
Increasing
acceptance of cohabitation
·
Rise
of alternative “relationships systems”
Chapter 3: Marriage in a Perfect
World
“You don’t evaluate the players until
you understand the game.”
How to
understand the “game” of marriage?
My recommendation:
Consult with the Person who invented the game in the first place.
The
Marriage Symphony
4 movements:
The first movement: The Institution
of Marriage.
Consist 4
parts:
1.
The
mission of the first couple (Genesis 1:26-28)
26 And God said, Let us make man in
our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the
sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth,
and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.
27 So God created man in his own image, in
the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.
28 And God blessed them, and God
said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue
it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air,
and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.
2.
The
creation of the first couple (Genesis 2:7, 18-22a)
7 And the LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into
his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul.
18 And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I
will make him an help meet for him.
19 And out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field, and
every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call
them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name
thereof.
20 And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to
every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him.
21 And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept:
and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof;
22 And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and
brought her unto the man.
3.
The
wedding of the first couple (Genesis 2:22b-25)
22 And the rib, which the LORD God
had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man.
23 And Adam said, This is now bone of
my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was
taken out of Man.
24 Therefore shall a man leave his
father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one
flesh.
25 And they
were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.
4.
The
pattern established by the first couple (Genesis 2:24)
24 Therefore shall a man leave his
father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one
flesh.
The Mission of the First Couple
In order to
understand God’s purpose of marriage, we need to recognize his purposes for
human beings. For marriage was established to assist the humans in carrying out
their mission.
Formation of
human beings is the crowning climax of God’s creative work. We were put charge
of all the others.
God’s
original mission for the first couple, it reveals at least 4 related facts that
should profoundly shape our understanding of the nature of marriage.
1.
Their Identity
They were image-bearers who reflected the nature of their Creator.
2.
Their differentiation
It takes two genders to properly represent God’s image and carry out the
mission assigned to the image-bearers.
3.
Their role
They were rule over the sphere of earth as God’s vice-regents.
4.
Their allegiance
Their first and ultimate accountability was not to each other but to
their Creator.
From this 4
factors we are able to identify the essential mission of the first couple: To
Serve God by advancing his rule over the earth. The covenant of marriage was
established to facilitate the accomplishment of this mission.
The Creator
set about to bring the whole project to completion. He begins with an
announcement that shocks the reader: “it is not good for the man to be
alone” (Genesis 2:18). Something about the man that was incomplete.
Human beings
were not created to be solitary creatures. We have a built in capacity and need
for relationship. Adam needs help.
The first
thing reveals the nature of the woman’s purpose is the terminology used to
describe her: “corresponding companion” (Someone who comes to aid of or
provides a service for someone).
Man = whom
the assignments were initially given.
Women =
comes alongside to give man aid, not to take over.
Corresponding = suitable
Women were
not a clone of her husband, but an equally human person with complementing
differences.
The wedding of the first couple
God provided
what Adam had been searching for – a companion perfectly suited to him.
Woman is
designed to be Man’s side to be his companion.
Another way
woman’s help was needed – “be fruitful and multiply, to fill the earth and
subdue it” was not one-man job.
Eve purpose
was to assist Adam in carrying out all his God-given responsibilities, of which
procreation was only one.
God’s
determination to make a companion for “the man” who corresponds to him (Genesis
2:18) immediately follows
1.
God’s
assignment to Adam to care for and maintain the Garden of Eden (2:15)
2.
God’s
commandment forbidding him to eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and
evil (2:17)
Adam need
more than company, he need help in fulfilling his responsibilities and keeping
God’s commandments.
God’s
original designs there are two functions for marriage:
1.
Relational
Companionship
2.
Vocational
Partnership
First couple
was given a relationship to cultivate and a work to share (include procreation)
Procreation
is such an essential component of the original design of marriage that a strong
case can be made for recognizing reproduction as a third function, on a par
with relational companionship and vocational partnership.
The pattern established by the first
couple
Genesis 2:24
Here is the main idea:
“If a man
and a woman are going to become lifelong vocational partners and relational
companions, they must forge the strongest possible bond of commitment between
them from the very beginning of the marriage.”
This bond
consists of two elements:
1.
“
a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife”
2.
“they
shall become one flesh”
Sexual
aspect is a sign and expression of a union that joins husband and wife at every
level.
While
“leaving and cleaving” speak of the public covenant in which faithfulness is
promised, “becoming one flesh” refers to the private consummation in which
faithfulness is kept and expanded into a fully shared life.
Conclusion
In God’s
original design, marriage was given to men and women to help them accomplish
their shared mission of serving God in the advancement of his rule on the
earth. This purpose is achieved as the husband and wife fulfill the marital
functions of vocational partnership and relational companionship.
Two glaring
differences:
1.
Absence
of one of the primary functions – vocational partnership.
Lost the
notion of shared work, the mission of most contemporary adults is personal
fulfillment and happiness. When their goals diverge, or if the primary function
of relational satisfaction is not fulfilled, the marriage may well become
expendable.
2.
Autonomy
of married couples in relationship to God.
The first couple rules over all the
other creatures, but in relation to God. Marital relationship is secondary (and
intended to contribute) to the primary allegiance to the King. So long as the
husband and wife discharge their shared assignments and carry out their relationship
within the framework of a larger mission and a higher loyalty, their marriage
fulfill its purpose.
Chapter 4: The Marring and Makeover of Marriage
Pristine perfection of marriage as
originally designed has been lost.
When humanity fell, marriage fell.
But by the grace of God, it didn’t completely ruin everything. Fall didn’t
disrupt the ultimate purposes of God.
The second movement: The Corruption of Marriage
Before the
fall, the first couple enjoyed unhindered communion with their Creator. The
greatest blessing Adam and Eve experienced was not their marriage; it was their
fellowship with God.
Now every aspect of the marriage
relationship was corrupted.
·
Companionship:
the intimacy of a one-flesh relationship was immediately fractured by
alienation and blaming (3:12). Subsequently, spousal harmony was replaced by a
competitive power struggle in which the stronger dominates the weaker (3:16).
·
Procreation:
childbirth will now be attended by pain and sorrow (3:16).
·
Shared
vocation: the domain they were to rule over now rebels against them, turning
meaningful labor into life-sapping toil (3:17-19)
Please pay attention to the fact that you are
both sinners.
What’s big deal about sin? Two
problems:
1.
Our
acts of sin disqualify and disconnect is from fellowship with God (Colossians
1:21)
2.
Our
condition of sinfulness corrupts our
character, infecting us with chronic self-centeredness (Jeremiah 17:9, Mark
7:20-23)
In our foolishness, we live out our
commitment to make life work on our own terms (Psalm 14:1; Isaiah 53:6)
Our
spiritual death (separation from God) produces social death (separation from
others) and psychological death (separation from ourselves).
The image of
God was damaged, but it was not destroyed.
The third movement: The Redemption of
Marriage
Jesus did
indeed bring about changes in the status of marriage.
Extreme Makeover, Cosmic Edition
What’s God current project in the
universe?
God is
currently working to bring all things in heaven and earth under one head,
namely, Christ (Ephesians 1:10). He is acting to restore what is ruined (Acts
3:21; Romans 8:20-21) and to reconcile what was alienated (Colossians 1:19-20;
2Corinthnians 5:17-19) – especially human beings (Ephesians 1:3-14).
Mostly
remodels, this venture is being carried out in stages.
Phase 1: God
dealt decisively with the core problem of sin. – Work done by Christ. To
reestablish the connection between man and God and restore the marred image of
God in man’s nature, the penalty of sin had to be paid.
Phase 2: Creation of the community of faith,
the church, to embody the rule of God and to recruit others to repent and join
the fellowship of faith (Acts 2). We transformed by the Holy Spirit into the
likeness of our Creator, deputized as ambassadors of reconciliation, taking
invitation of God’s gospel to the rest of the world.
Marital
covenant was given to facilitate the mission of image-bearers in the original
creation, so it has been retrofitted to advance the mission of disciples in the
re-creation.
Jesus has made two major
contributions to the transformation of marriage during the third movement:
1.
He
has modified the status of marriage itself.
2.
He
transforms believing spouses, enabling them to fulfill the functions of
Christian marriage and accomplish its purpose for the sake of the kingdom.
Marriage: From Obligatory to Optional
Jesus abstention from marriage was a
stunning first clue that the status of marriage in the scheme of God’s social
order was under reconstruction.
Jesus said:
“Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because of your hard hearts, but
from the beginning it was not this way. Now I say to you that whoever divorces
his wife except immorality, and marries another commits adultery” (Matthew
19:3-9)
In Christ’s
kingdom, there are now two conditions in which his disciples may legitimately
serve him – married or unmarried.
Marriage: From Primary to Secondary
Jesus made
about his “family” relationships.
Matthew 12:47-50
47 Then one
said unto him, Behold, thy mother and thy brethren stand without, desiring to
speak with thee.
48 But he answered and said unto
him that told him, Who is my mother? and who are my brethren?
49 And he stretched forth his hand
toward his disciples, and said, Behold my mother and my
brethren!
50 For whosoever shall do the will of my Father which is in heaven,
the same is my brother, and sister, and mother.
Jesus came
to establish a spiritual family that one enters by means of regeneration
through faith (John 1:11-12; 3:3; Galatians 3:7, 26; Peter 1:3-4)
Marriage has
been relocated from the place of primacy in human relationships to a secondary
level of status within the larger framework of the family of Christ, the
kingdom of God.
God’s design
for marriage must be understood in accordance with the role it plays in the
fulfillment of the mission and purposes of the church.
Marriage: A Ministry Institution
For the
disciple of Jesus, the dominant preoccupation is to be the advancement of
Christ’s rule and righteousness in one’s own life (spiritual growth) and in
one’s own world (ministry)
Functions of
the spiritual family of Christ through which this mission is to be executed are
well-summarized in the Great Commandment and the Great Commission.
Great Commandment (love) (Mark 12:28-31)
28 And one of the scribes came, and
having heard them reasoning together, and perceiving that he had answered them
well, asked him, Which is the first commandment of all?
29 And Jesus answered him, The first of
all the commandments is, Hear, O Israel; The Lord our God is one Lord:
30 And thou shalt love the Lord thy God
with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all
thy strength: this is the first commandment.
31 And the second is like, namely this, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as
thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these.
Great Commission (make disciples) (Matthew 28:19-20)
19 Go ye therefore, and teach all
nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the
Holy Ghost:
20 Teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you:
and, lo, I am with you alway, even unto the end of the world. Amen.
Two functions correlate well with
those given to the first human family.
The Great Commandment corresponds to
the function of relational companionship.
The Great Commission matches up with
the assignment of vocational partnership.
Both cases,
one’s allegiance to Christ is primary.
|
God’s
Design for Marriage
|
||
|
|
In a
Perfect World (Genesis1-2)
|
In a
fallen World (NT)
|
|
Ruler:
|
Creator
God
|
Redeemer
God (Re-Creator)
|
|
Environment:
|
Pristine
|
Fallen/Hostile
|
|
Participants:
|
Image-bearers
|
Disciples
|
|
Human Nature:
|
Innocent
|
Fallen/Redeemed
|
|
Family:
|
Physically
related
|
Spiritually
related
|
|
Purpose:
|
To
facilitate the mission
(through
the implementation of the functions)
|
To
facilitate the mission
(through
the implementation of the functions)
|
|
Mission:
|
To serve
God by advancing his rule throughout the world
|
To serve
God by advancing his rule in my life and throughout my world
|
|
Functions:
|
Relational
companionship (RC)
Vocational
partnership (VP)
(including
procreation of godly offspring)
|
RC and
VP in service to the
Great
Commandment and the Great Commission
|
|
Priority of
Allegiance:
|
A prior
and higher commitment to the lordship of the Creator
|
A prior
and higher commitment to the lordship of Christ
|
|
Placement in
Institutional
Hierarchy
|
Primary
|
Secondary
(part of
the church)
|
Summary
Jesus came
to reconcile and restore all things to God.
Two changes
are noteworthy:
1.
Primary
human institution through which Jesus is carrying out his program is the
church; marriage is now regarded as a subset (alongside singleness) of that
spiritual family. Marriage is a ministry institution contributing to the
mission of the church.
2.
Mission
of advancing God’s kingdom now focuses on the spiritual dimension of his rule
not only externally (in the world) but also internally (within the individual
disciple).
Chapter 5: Balancing Marriage
In the
beginning, the Creator stated with a single man to whom he gave assignments.
Because the man needed help, God fashioned a woman to be his “corresponding
companion.” The original pair was given a work to share and a relationship to
cultivate.
But notice,
when God provided a helper, he didn’t just clone the man. He created a female
human who had built-in strengths and capabilities that were different from
those of the male. Powerful distinction between the sexes: Men focus on
achievement, women focus on relationship. Gender differences recognized to this
day complement each other in ways that correspond to the divinely ordered
functions of marriage.
Christian
single adult who is considering marriage should pay attention to two points:
1.
The
cultural influences on mate selection. The social environment in which you make
your decisions is dramatically different from that of prior generations.
2.
Both
extremes represent a distortion of the harmony between work and love that
characterized the original marriage.
To this end, Jesus has retrofitted the design of marriage.
This renovation
entails two steps:
1.
We
must correct our culture’s distorted preoccupation with the quest for the ideal
soul mate.
2.
We
must properly restore the dimension of vocational partnership to a Christian
picture of marriage.
Debunking the Soul-Mate Myth
“When you marry you want your spouse
to be your soul mate, first and foremost”
“There is a special person, a soul
mate, waiting for you somewhere out there”
Fully expect to find that special
someone when they are ready to get married
A “fantasy,”
an “illusion,” a “false hope that actually works against people in their
efforts to create a healthy, lasting, committed relationship.”
First misleading implication of soul
mate is the idea that there is “only one such person” out there for each
individual.
“We will
live happily ever after” – fairy tale fantasy.
Even the most compatible mate will be
flawed – as are you!
Instead of
seeking to be matched to the ideal person, each individual should determine to
become a godly spouse who will build up the soul of another. “The adventure of
marriage is learning to love the person to who you are married.”
Instead of
working on the problems that inevitably arise in a marriage in order to make
the relationship stronger, the solution that is often explored is to find a new
(better) soul mate.
Our
society’s distortions of the companionship function of marriage. The marital
union is indeed one of the means by which God meets the emotional, social,
sexual, psychological, physical, and spiritual needs of his children
(Philippians 4:19)
Marriage is
primarily a ministry institution.
When the
apostles addressed the subject of marriage, the focus of their instruction was not
on what spouses should do to get their need met; their emphasis was on
the ways that husband and wives should serve to meet the needs of others
(Ephesians 5:15-33; 1 Peter 3:1-7).
During third
movement, emphasize the constructive influence that Christian spouses have on
each other in the process of spiritual growth (sanctification)
A Christian
marriage places two redeemed and recovering sinners into close proximity for
long stretches of time. If these two individuals, who are strongly committed to
one another, utilize the means of grace at their disposal, they can actually
help each other grow! By virtue of the intimacy afforded through marriage and
the sheer quantity of time available for mutual edification, the marital
relationship should enable each of them to be the greatest human influence
for spiritual advancement in the life of the other. Whenever this happens,
marriage serve as a vehicle for transformation – which clearly a major part of
God’s design for marriage in a fallen world.
Reclaiming Vocational Partnership
Believers
are called to be God’s servants and priest – that is our vocation.
“The church
is the fellowship of the called. In the strictest sense of the word, the church
is a vocational institution.”
First step
in understanding vocational partnership is to make a distinction between
vocation (our calling to be God’s people) and occupation (the work we do to
make a living).
Keyword is
STEWARD. (Someone who has been given responsibility for the productive
management of someone else’s property). The resources belong to the owner; the steward is trusted to
administer them in the best interests of the owner.
By
extension, we are stewards of God’s creation; we are “a holy priesthood” too.
Our dominant
preoccupation (vocation) is to be the expansion of Christ’s rule and
righteousness internally in our own lives (spiritual growth) and externally in
our world (ministry).
There are at
least three “gardens” in which this partnership can be meaningfully carried
out.
1.
God
grant them the blessing of children, spouses can be partners in parenthood.
Teaming up to disciple children is countercultural at two
points
i.
Self-focused
marriages
Children are an intrusion
that detracts from the primary goals of intimacy and self-actualization.
ii.
Consigned
to only one of the parents, usually the mother.
Christian couples share in the privilege of parenting.
2.
Christian
spouse can be partners in ministry as they exercise their gifts and fulfill
their commitments to the mission of the church.
3.
Christian
spouse can ne partner in their occupations.
The workplace is one sphere where Christians are to exercise their
stewardship; marriage is another.
The efforts are mutually contributive rather than competitive. This
balancing act requires two commitments.
i.
The
determination by each spouse to keep their job subservient to the mission of
the marriage. The mission of the
marriage – to be salt and light in the workplace.
ii.
To
be and to encourage one’s mate to be a good Christian worker.
The recognition that our occupation
is to be an expression of our vocation as stewards of God’s creation and
kingdom.
Model for
marriage in the fallen world would be Pricilla and Aquila. (Acts 18:1-3, 18-19,
24-26; Romans 16:3-5; 1 Corinthians 16:19)
Here was a
husband and wife who dedicated themselves to a calling greater than mutual
satisfaction or tent making. They are always referred to together, never individually;
they functioned as a team, as partners in a shared mission. = Mission Mates.
The scope of their influence ranged from hospitality to biblical instruction to
church leadership. Together they were good stewards of the gospel.
When couples
realize that there is more to marriage than personal fulfillment – that they
have a work to do together for the glory of God – a fresh wind blows into their
relationship. Happily, personal fulfillment is then given as a by-product of a
larger activity.
Summary
Marriage was
not established simply for the mutual satisfaction of a husband and wife. It
was designed to be a ministry institution. Its mission is to advance God’s
purposes – both in the lives of the partners (and their offspring) and in the
world within which the spouses (and their family) are to live as salt and
light.
God’s
intention is that each spouse be spiritually transformed by their mutual
ministry. At the same time, they are to fulfill their shared vocation by
serving others together – through their family, their work, and their personal
engagement in the mission of the church.
Chapter 6: The Ultimate Marriage
The
communicative nature of art is also evident when the artist is God. From the
beginning of the first movement, God did in fact intend for human marriage to
represent and reflect a more ultimate reality. And yet in unfolding revelation
of God’s design for marriage, he did not disclose – indeed could not disclose –
this specialized function of marriage until the third movement. It was only
when Christ had activated his mission to restore all things under God that the
picture function of marriage could be explained. The assignment to divulge this
bonus function of marriage was given to the apostle Paul. His announcement of
this previously undisclosed role of marriage was given as an unexpected punch
line to his marital counsel: (Ephesians 5:25,28-32).
Paul says
two remarkable things
1.
A
“great mystery.” Marriage is mysterious. Whenever he speaks of a “mystery”, he
is using that term in a technical sense to refer to a truth previously hidden
in God (undecipherable to humans on their own) that has now been revealed by
God through his apostle.
2.
Previously
hidden truth is that the definition of marriage recorded in Genesis 2:24 is
actually describing the covenantal relationship between Christ and the church.
God intended that the institution of marriage would be a picture of the
relationship between the Savior and his people.
When
Christian spouses, in reliance upon the Holy Spirit, minister with each other
(vocational partnership) and to each other (relational companionship), they
both emulate and reflect the marriage between Christ and the church.
The Symphony of Marriage
First
movement: The Institution of Marriage
Second
movement: The Corruption of Marriage
Third
movement: The Redemption of Marriage
Fourth
movement: The Culmination of Marriage
First
movement: The Institution of Marriage
The harmony
and fruitfulness of the Edenic marriage was a product of the Creator’s
craftsmanship in fashioning two image-bearers perfectly adapted to one another,
plus the obedience of the vice-regents who carried out their assignments in
service to God.
Second
movement: The Corruption of Marriage
Due to lost
of the primary connection with God, husbands and wives act selfishly and
inflict damage.
Third movement: The Redemption of Marriage
Jesus has
come. They return to fellowship with God through faith in Christ. Jesus has
begun the process of renewing us into the image of our Creator, restoring us to
our original design, and enabling us to fulfill his purposes for marriage as
Christian spouses.
Fourth movement: The Culmination of
Marriage
For it
prefigures the ultimate expression of marriage – The wedding of the exalted
Christ and his glorified bride, the church.
Jesus
himself will be the bridegroom and we will be the bride.
Recognizing
that earthly marriage is optional, secondary, pictorial, and temporary can help
us maintain the priority of our allegiance to the Lordship of Jesus Christ.
Together, we
will be married to King Jesus.
Part 3: God’s Design for Singleness
Modern Myth
3: Singleness should be regarded as a transitional state en route to the
ultimate destination of marriage. Problems stemming from the incompleteness of
singleness are resolved by marriage.
Introduction to Part 3
Jesus not
only redefined the role of marriage in a fallen world, he also elevated the
status of singleness to a place of significance equal to that of marriage
within the family of God.
Chapter 7: Eunuchs for Yeshua
Jesus was
agreeing with his disciples: it is better for some not to marry.
But Jesus
corrected his disciples’ reason for considering a single life. Rather than a
negative fear of imprisonment in a miserable marriage, Jesus posited a
constructive reason: “for the sake of the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 19:12)
Just as
“Jesus’ singleness enabled him to focus on his messianic task,” so some of his followers
would choose to follow his example to advance his kingdom.
The army of
Christ is made up of two battalions composed of those who are married and those
who are single. The roles of singleness and marriage are now identified by how
they might advance the cause in the spiritual warfare.
Eunuchs: An Apt Figure
Three references to eunuchs:
1.
Who
were that way from birth
Physical
deformity
2.
Who
were made eunuchs by others
Royal courts – a great service to kings
3.
Who
voluntarily chose a celibate life
Cause of the kingdom by remaining single to provide great service to the
King.
Two things stand out from Jesus’
instruction
1.
The
choice between marriage and singleness belongs to the individual disciple: some
“became eunuchs”.
2.
The
decisive reason for one’s decision: “for the sake of the kingdom of heaven.”
Vera Stinton posted about how
Christians should regard singleness, her options you may recall, were
1.
Singleness
is a pathological condition requiring a cure
2.
Singleness
is a privilege – the special vocation of super-devoted disciples.
Singleness
and marriage are parallel routes for loving and serving in the world and
preparing us for life in the resurrection community. They are gifts from God to
be accepted or to be chosen within the scope he gives us for choice.
Chapter 8: Singleness and the Will of
God
Our destiny
is the choices we make (on the human side) and the sovereign will of God (on
the divine side).
Paul’s response to the Corinthian Ascetics
Part 1: Counsel to the Married and
Previously Married (1 Corinthians 7:1-16)
1.
For
the married: Maintain sexual relations (1-7).
2.
For
widowers and widows: Stay unmarried, unless… (8-9).
3.
For
Christian married couples: No divorce (10-11).
4.
For
Christian married to unbelievers: Stay in the marriage (12-16).
Part 2: General Rule: Remain As You
Were When Called (1 Corinthians 7:17-24)
17 But as God hath distributed to every
man, as the Lord hath called every one, so let him walk. And so ordain I in all
churches.
18 Is any man called being circumcised?
Let him not become uncircumcised. Is any called in uncircumcision? Let him not
be circumcised.
19 Circumcision is nothing, and
uncircumcision is nothing, but the keeping of the commandments of God.
20 Let every man abide in the same
calling wherein he was called.
21 Art thou called being a servant? Care
not for it: but if thou mayest be made free, use it rather.
22 For he that is called in the Lord,
being a servant, is the Lord's freeman: likewise also he that is called, being
free, is Christ's servant.
23 Ye are bought with a price; be not
ye the servants of men.
24 Brethren, let every man, wherein he
is called, therein abide with God.
Instead, keeping God’s commandments
is what counts.
Do not
become slaves of men. In whatever situation someone was called, brothers and sisters,
let him remain in it with God (emphasis added).
Part 3: Counsel to the Never-Married
and Widowed (1 Corinthians 7:25-40)
1.
For
the never-married: Remain as you are (25-38)
2.
For
widows: Remarriage permitted; though happier unmarried (39-40).
Principles for Marital Decision Making
Remain as You Are
“Let each one remain in that
situation in life in which he was called”.
Believer
should first learn how to live out his vocation as a servant-steward of Christ
in the life situation he was in at the time of conversion.
1. Like
other life situation, one’s marital status at any given time is determined by
the sovereign will of God.
We
all start out single. Whether remain single or get married is controlled by
God’s sovereign will. Even so, as it passes through the hands of a sovereign
God, he baptizes it with grace, directs it to his purposes, and instructs us to
trust in his goodness.
Sometimes, later on, we are able to discern some of the beneficial
results of God’s plan (like Joseph); the positive outcome remains hidden from
us (like Job). In either case, part of walking by faith is accepting our
present status as an assignment from God and seeking to glorify him through the
manner in which we faithfully exercise our stewardship within it.
2. Throughout
the course of one’s life, one’s assignments are subject to change, sometimes
through personal choice.
Most modifications of status come about through some change of
circumstance plus whatever choices we make in response. Paul addresses the fact
that some people are not locked in to their marital status. Change is possible
and permissible – but only within the moral will of God.
3. One’s
responses to their life situations must be directed by the moral will of God
and wisdom.
This
summarizes the first 3 precepts in the Way of Wisdom. Keeping God’s
commandments is what counts
Wisdom
seeks to accomplish 3 practical goals:
i.
Avoiding mistakes
“Remain as you are,” is an instance
of mistake avoidance. In actual fact, any effort to elevate our spiritual
status by changing an external circumstance (our present assignment from God)
opposes God’s grace and produces false pride. Such a step would prove to be
spiritual damaging rather than enhancing, we should avoid.
ii.
Maximizing opportunities
Paul’s case for continued singleness
(“remain as you are”) was spelled out in verse 25-23, and his reasons fall into
two categories:
a)
The
urgency of the hour (“because of the impending crisis” v26), which he
elaborated in verses 29-31;
b)
The
difficulties and distraction inherent in marriage (“those who marry will face
difficult circumstances,”v28), which he spelled out in verse 32-36.
First, Paul challenged the never-married to take the
circumstances of the present age into consideration (7:29-31). One aspect of
the mindset that enables single believers to forego the blessings of marriage
is an eternal perspective.
“Marriage can wait; we have work to do”
Second category of reasons for preferring single state
emerges from a comparison of the relative freedom single people has to serve
God with the limitations encountered by the married (7:32-35). It is better to
give “undistracted devotion to the Lord” than to have one’s energies divided
between attending to the needs of a spouse and focusing on Christ.
Bottom-line question the never-married person should ask is: “
In which state can I better exercise the stewardship of my walk with and service to God?”
In which state can I better exercise the stewardship of my walk with and service to God?”
There is some irony here in that one of the reasons for
considering marriage is the potential contributions a partner could make to
one’s work and one’s spiritual growth.
iii.
Managing difficulties
“But if they do not have
self-control, let them get married. For it is better to marry than to burn with
sexual desire” (7:9)
In such a case, it would be better
for them to return to the state of marriage, which is where such drives maybe
legitimately channeled (7:9)
Singleness may be better for service
to God, but marriage is better for managing sexual desires.
Sufficient Grace
“I wish that everyone was as I am” to refer to the freedom
from distraction from sexual temptation he experienced, even though he was
single, by virtue of the spiritual gift of celibacy he had received. On this
view, he was reluctantly agreeing that other singles who had not been blessed
with that particular gift should consider marriage.
Singleness and marriage are equal gifts that have been
bestowed.
“Gift” is another way of describing the sovereign will of
God.
4. Whatever
one’s present life assignment, the provisions of God’s grace are sufficient.
The
relevance of Paul’s thorn to our consideration of God’s provisions for our life
situations (including marital status) becomes apparent at several points.
i.
Like
other assignments in life, this circumstance was sovereignty determined by God.
ii.
It
was in some sense a gift. Paul didn’t receive it because he earned or deserved
it, but because he apparently needed it.
iii.
This
imposition included an element of satanic harassment. Paul had been concerned
about the vulnerability of Corinthian spouses to the temptation of Satan, so he
had to contend with the devil’s efforts to derail him from his calling.
iv.
This
thorn imposed a significant limitation on Paul’s ability to minister – to such
a degree that he earnestly sought its removal. Become a “distraction”.
v.
This
thorny present proved to be ultimately beneficial, though the advantage may not
have been immediately obvious. Paul’s case, the thorn counteracted a besetting
inclination toward arrogance, a toxic vice for a spiritual leader.
vi.
The
presence of the thorn introduced Paul to an experience of God’s grace that he
would not have otherwise known. This goal-orientated apostle came to
acknowledge that he was actually more productive with the thorn, because of the
power of Christ, than he would have been without it.
vii.
Paul’s
response provides a model for believers as we adapt to the sovereign will of
God in our lives.
5. As
one responds to the outworking of the sovereign will of God, God’s moral will
calls the believer to maximize the opportunities inherent in those
circumstances to the glory of God.
Do everything for the glory of God. (1 Corinthians 10:31; Colossians
3:17)
Singleness and the Will of God: Principles
1.
Your
current marital status is determined by the sovereign will of God.
2.
God’s
sovereign assignments are subject to change.
3.
Your
response to your current assignment must be governed by God’s moral will and
wisdom.
4.
God’s
grace is sufficient for your current assignment.
5.
Goal:
Maximize the opportunities of your current assignment to God’s glory.
Chapter 9: Single Choices
Paul shows
how God sovereign will, God’s moral will, and wisdom all impinge on marital
decisions.
Decisions, decisions, decisions…
Three major differences between
Paul’s setting and our own.
1.
The
ascetics
No
Christian singles today are under pressure from within the church to reject marriage
on the grounds of spiritual defilement caused by sexual intercourse.
2.
Decision
making process – specifically, the identity of the decision makers
Single
women had no official say in their marital destiny; contracts were worked out
by the men.
3.
Less
assurance in our day that the person who desires to get married will actually
have the opportunity to do so.
No discussion about how to find a mate.
Single Choices
Apply
Biblical Principles to Marital Decision Making Today
1. Christian
single adults have the freedom and responsibility to make marital decisions
Trust
in God’s sovereign will, you have a decisive role to play. On the other hand,
you have freedom and responsibility to choose.
Paul
set out a principle such as “remain as you are” and tell slaves to claim their
freedom if they get the opportunity, he acknowledging that life is complex –
you can’t just create a list of rules that apply to every situation.
When
it comes to singleness and marriage, one size does not fit all.
Mature adults are capable of making good marital decisions.
2. While
marital decisions are not dictated by the moral will of God, they are regulated
by it. Regardless of status, believers are obligated to know and obey the
relevant rules.
Either
marital status, singleness or marriage, entails duties mandated by God’s moral
will. Part of decision making process involves identifying and accepting those
imperatives.
3. The
factors that need to be weighed in marital decision making must be judged by
wisdom. As with all non-commanded decisions, each option has pros and cons.
Where
there are non-commanded decisions, believer’s goal is to make wise decisions on
the basis of spiritual usefulness.
Wisdom
aims to avoid mistakes, maximize opportunities, and manage difficulties.
A
wise decision will both advance God’s purposes and prove to be personally
beneficial.
The
advantages of marriage follow from its design: relational companionship and
vocational partnership.
It
takes a lot of time and energy to manage a marriage and a family.
Albert
Hsu identifies six categories of celibate freedom:
·
Freedom
to follow Jesus
·
Freedom
to show God’s love
·
Freedom
to experience personal growth
·
Freedom
to find healing and wholeness
·
Freedom
to marry
·
Freedom
to childlessness
Disadvantages of singleness: vulnerability to loneliness and
denial of sexual intimacy.
While there downsides to singleness can be lessened by
healthy friendships, the effort required to develop mutually edifying
relationships is greater for those who are unmarried.
4. For
contemporary singles, Paul’s admonition to “remain as you are” might be aptly
paraphrased, “Don’t be in too big a hurry to get married.”
Paul’s
original exhortation to believers was not a command; it was spiritual counsel.
He was addressing two issues – one theological and one pragmatic.
Theological
issue was the mistaken belief by some that a change in their external
circumstances would advance their standing with God.
(Example:
abstaining from sexual intercourse would make one holier, therefore Christian
spouses should terminate their marriage)
The
practical issue as described by Paul as the “impending distress”
He
sensitivity to this state of affairs points out at least one principle that we
can apply our current situation: There are circumstances in life that may
justify deferment (at least) of marriage.
Often
the reasons for deferment will be peculiar to the individual – a lack of
readiness for marital commitment, a personal crisis that needs to be resolved,
or other priorities (ministry, education, and employment) that demand undivided
attention for a period of time.
What
many people find, to their great disappointment, is that marriage seldom solves
problems; it tends to magnify them.
Christian
singles should not simply avoid marriage for bad reasons, but should pursue marriage
only if they have biblically sound ones:
Christians should be free to marry if
marriage will make them better Christians. It does seem, however, that
singleness must be the default choice for a Christian, given the clear
preference for singleness expressed in (1 Corinthians)… In other words, the
burden of proof is on the decision to marry, not the decision to remain single.
Christians should assume that they will be single unless and until they have a
godly reason to marry. Christians should never marry out of insecurity, fear, a
desire to escape the parental home, a need for affirmation, or a search for
financial stability. Christians should marry only those who enhance their
ability to live Christlike lives, those able to be true partners in Christian
service, those who give them a vision of the image of God and the glory of
Christ.
Major point of book: if a Christian choose to marry, the
reasons for getting married are as important as the selection of the life
partner.
5. In
weighing the pros and cons of singleness and marriage, Christians should place
a priority on their relationship to God.
Christians
are members of Christ’s family, stewards in God’s household, soldiers in the
Lord’s army.
We
are called to give attention, first and foremost, to God’s perspective on
singleness and marriage.
First
question a believer should ask “in which state can I better exercise the
stewardship of my walk with and service to God?”
That
question usually resulted in what seemed a tie – I could serve God better if I
were free to travel to teach anywhere at any time or I could serve God more
effectively if I were more deeply rooted in the home. “if married to XX would
enable me to love God better.” That made a enormous difference and brought my
questioning more thoroughly in line with the biblical picture of marriage as a
symbol of God’s faithfulness.
You
start with the objective truths of God’s design. Piper listed four aspects of
God’s design for each state
|
God’s Design for Marriage
|
God’s Design for Singleness
|
|
1.
To display his
covenant keeping love between Christ and the church
|
1.
To display the
spiritual nature of God’s family that grows from regeneration, not
procreation and sex
|
|
2.
To sanctify the
couple with the peculiar pains and pleasures of marriage
|
2.
To sanctify the
single with the peculiar pains and pleasures of singleness
|
|
3.
To beget and
rear a generation of white-hot worshippers
|
3.
To capture more
of the single’s life for nondomestic ministry that is so desperately needed
in the world
|
|
4.
To channel good
sexual desire into holy paths and transpose it into worshipful foretastes of
heaven’s pleasures
|
4.
To magnify the
all-satisfying worth of Christ that sustains (long-term) chastity
|
Put
simply, within which designs do you see yourself living most productively to
the glory of God?
What
you do if your preferred status is different from your actual status?
6. It
is perfectly legitimate for those who hope to get married to take initiative
that might lead to that outcome.
Singleness
and marriage are both legitimate choices for believers.
Are
you likewise obliged to passively wait until God sovereignly drops a suitable
mate in your lap? NO.
You
have not only the opportunity to seek out and court a potential spouse, but in
the absence of intervention on the part of outside parties (parent,
matchmakers), your personal involvement in the process is all the more
necessary.
Most
of the marriages come about as a result conscious deliberations and intentional
behaviors on the parts of those eventually united.
Counselor
Larry Crabb strikes the biblical balance when he advices:
“Pray
for your desires; work for your goals.”
A
goal: an objective that is under my control, I can attain it by applying
diligent effort.
A
desire: is something I want, but I cannot obtain it on my own. I need the
cooperation of another person(s).
If
I hope to get married…
I
can make my goal to become a mature Christian who acts for the welfare of
others. No one can keep me from doing that, and such growth and commitment may
open door to a significant relationship with marriage potential.
My desire to find a potential mate who is on a
similar trajectory in timing and availability is beyond my control. Since that
outcome is ultimately governed by God’s sovereign will, that is a legitimate
subject for prayer (Philippians 4:6).
“The
proper response to a desire, then, is prayer. To a goal, the appropriate
response is a set of responsible actions”
Interplay
between my responsibility and God’s sovereign will, I am free to make plans and
execute strategies. But I must subject my plans to God’s sovereign will (James
4:13-16) and trust him to bring about his purposes, which are also for my good
(Romans 8:28). One way to express this submission is through prayer (Romans
1:10)
The
balance is found in middle – a “relaxed engagement” that determines and carries
out a course of action while resting and relying on the sovereign will of God.
7. As
long as one is unmarried, the single adult should cultivate the complementary
attitudes of contentment and ambition in carrying out the ministry functions of
singleness.
You should instead regard your present circumstance as your existing
assignment from God and concentrate on being faithful to your current calling.
Ministry Function of Singleness
Functions of singleness are
·
Vocational
freedom
·
Relational
community
Function of
vocational freedom – greater flexibility for ministry.
The
companionship needs for single adults today are met through multiple
relationships with a network of friends.
Ministry Attitudes
The effective accomplishment of the
two ministry functions of singleness requires the exercise of two complementary
attitudes:
·
Contentment
·
Ambition
Contentment is a fruit of Spirit is required in
those life circumstances that are less than ideal – when we do not get
everything we would like to have.
Don’t be wishing you were someplace
else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God’s place for you. Live
and obey and love and believe right there. Is God, not your marital status,
defines your life.
Contentment can be learned. Two
aspects to the process:
·
Negative
component
Being
alert to and combating the subverting temptations to idolatry (seeking for ultimate
satisfaction in something other than God) and envy.
·
Positive
component
“I am able
to do all things through the one who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13). Like
other divinely granted endowments, contentment comes to us as a by-product of
something else more fundamental – our relationship with Christ. “My God will
supply your every need according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus” (4:19)
If the call to relational community
challenges singles to grow in contentment, the corresponding attitude that will
advance the cause of vocational freedom is ambition.
As long as
you are single, be ambitious in the use of your relative freedom to advance the
kingdom of God. In fact, if you devote your emotional energy to positive
ambition, contentment will likely follow in its wake.
Part
4: God’s Design for Sex
Modern Myth
4: The best way to determine compatibility with a prospective mate and reduce
the likelihood of marital failure is to live together prior to marriage.
Introduction to Part 4
Managing sexuality
The point of
view is going to shape your decision making – the culture’s or the Creator’s?
Therefore I
exhort you, brothers and sisters, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies
as a sacrifice – alive, holy, and pleasing to God – which is your reasonable
service. Do not be conformed to this present world, but be transformed by the
renewing of your mind, so that you may test and approve what is the will of God
– what is good and well-pleasing and perfect (Romans 12:1-2)
Systems v. Rules
Two things
about the moral will of God.
1.
God’s
moral will encompasses more than behavior.
Two kinds of people in this world
·
Those
who operate on the basis of systems
·
Those
who just try to follow rules.
God doesn’t treat us as little children. He gives us the bigger picture
so we can understand his whys as well as his wherefores.
When we comprehend God’s reasons for his instructions, we are much more
inclined to carry them out.
So when it comes to singleness, marriage, and sexuality, we need to
become systems people – like the manager. They understand the design of the
overall operation, systems people apply that knowledge to the situation at
hand, intuiting the action that is in agreement with the purposes and
structures of the governing framework. They don’t violate the rules, but they
know why there are there – and when and how to override them when necessary.
Before we can adopt a personal morality of sex, we must have a proper
theology of sex. We need a grown-up perspective on sexuality that allows us to
harness the expression of our maleness and femaleness to the glory of God.
2.
God’s
moral will is that it is good for us.
The Creator is a loving Father who has the best interests of his children
at heart. Any boundaries he establishes are for our protection and ultimate
good.
Supporting Testimony
Consequences
of violating the moral will of God are counterproductive and damaging. Those
who live in accordance with biblical principles experience more satisfaction
and fulfillment.
(Proverbs
3:5-8)
Chapter 10: God’s Purposes for
Sex(uality)
Married believer, chastity defined as
sexual faithfulness to one’s partner.
Unmarried, chastity is equated with
celibacy (abstinence from sexual intercourse) and virginity (the state of being
sexually inexperienced).
Those standards
of chastity are not the same.
There are
other reasons why it is hard work to think straight about sex – not the least
of which is the great mystery inherent in our makeup as male and female.
What’s it all about, Alfie?
Sexual
attitudes and practices of this generation fall into two categories:
·
Relational
sex
Two people who are attracted to each other, are building a relationship,
and incorporate sex into that process.
·
Recreational
sex – sex without strings
A physical act in which two people provide mutual pleasure to one another
without any commitment beyond the sexual encounter.
Human are
only species that commonly copulate face-to-face. The partners are able to look
at each other and have full-body contact.
The point is
that for animals, sex is strictly physical. For humans, sex is physical-plus.
Rape victims
may recover quickly from the physical violence, but the inward damage –
manifested in depression, shame, sexual dysfunction, nightmares, and the like –
may plague the person for years. – Inner pain.
Other
studies indicated more sexual partners one has; the less likely that person
will be to remain faithful in marriage.
Dr. Van Epp
: “Sex is always relational…because you cannot separate your body from the rest
of who you are; therefore, what your body does, you do. Sex and self are
inextricably linked, and during a sexual encounter something happens that is
more than just a physical act.”
God’s Design for Our Sexuality
Male and Female
Make a
distinction between God’s design for our sexuality (what we are as male and
female) and his design for sexual intercourse (what married people do).
Before
explore God’s design for our sexual behavior, we must understand his design for
our sexual nature.
First,
bodily existence or embodiment is a created good. “We do not just have bodies;
we are bodies.”
Second, differentiation of the two
genders is specified as intentional.
·
Both
female and male bore the divine image;
·
Both
were blessed and declared to be “very good”;
·
Both
had a primary orientation to their Creator before whom they lived with equal
worth and standing.
Men and
women were created by God’s design to be relational beings. Human beings by
themselves are incomplete, and this incompleteness is intentional. The
divine provision for the solitary man was another human being of the opposite
sex – someone who corresponded to him but was different from him. Two persons,
who were separate from each other, were naturally drawn toward each other in
relationship.
This inbred
recognition of relational incompleteness established a drive that impels men
and women to seek community through bonding. Spiritual dimension to this drive:
The source of this completeness is
found in the community that focuses on fellowship with the Creator. Just as God
in the community of the Trinitarian persons, so also God has created us for the
sake of community, namely, to find completion with each other and together in
community with our Maker.
God’s Design
for Our Sexuality
1.
Bodily
existence is a created good.
2.
Differences
between male and female are intentional and purposeful.
3.
Our
gender-based incompleteness prompts us to seek relationship.
God’s Purposes for Marital Sex
Procreation: The Reproduction of
Image-Bearers
Now singles
are encouraged to have “safe sex,” taking measure to prevent pregnancy. As a
blessing of God is now regarded as an undesirable consequence to avoid.
A childless
marriage can be a godly community on earth. But a marriage that refuses
procreation for reasons of self-centeredness is something less than the
God-imaging community, male and female, that was called to “be fruitful and
increase in number” (Genesis 1:28).
One-Flesh Union: Five Ways God Unites
Two Persons
Second
divine purpose for sexual intercourse is experience and expression of
one-fleshedness.
This broad
purpose of one-fleshedness is experienced in five interrelated ways.
1. Relation
Union
This movement occurs at the most complete level in sexual intercourse.
2. Complementary
Union
The complementary nature of the sexes that is evident in the creative
design of God continues to be exhibited in every act of sexual union. This is
graphically explained by Dr. Stevens:
In intercourse women receives the
man, letting him come inside her. In this act she makes herself extremely
vulnerable. The man, on the other hand is directed outward. While the woman
receives something, the man relieves himself of something. It means something
different to the man… A woman needs to be psychologically prepared for this
self-abandonment, not only by the public commitment of her husband to lifelong
troth but also by her husband’s ongoing nurture of the love relationship… it is
a gross but instructive overstatement to say that men must have sex to reach
fullness of love while women must have love to reach fullness of sex.
3. Union
with distinctness
Sexuality is the urge to be part of a community of two symbolized by the
act of intercourse: one person moves in and out of another. The differences and
uniqueness of both people are celebrated at the very moment of oneness and
unity. Reverently we may speak of the ministry of one God in three person; we
know they are not merged. Nor do we merge in the human covenant. Partners
should find, not lose, their identity.
4. Consummation
and renewal of covenant
The Creator invoked this practice when he constituted marriage to be
public covenant (“leave and cleave”) ritually sealed in a private consummation
(“become one flesh”)
Like baptism, the initial act of sexual union consummates and seals the
wedding commitment.
5. Physical
joy in love
Sexual intercourse is meant to be intensely pleasurable, and husbands and
wives are given the delightful assignment to grant this pleasure to one
another.
Marital sex is enjoyed within the context of the divinely sanctioned
covenant as an expression of committed love.
Such unions are favored with the blessing of God, spouses are free to
enjoy one another without moral constraint – free from the guilt that attends
violations of the divine will (Hebrews 13:4).
Illumination: Telling God’s Love
Story through Our Love Story
Primary
functions for sex: procreation and one-flesh union. The third purpose that I
will call illumination. This involves the communication of important truths at
a deeper, experiential level.
In similar
manner, sex is designed to impart a level of apprehension that transcends the
capacity of the intellect. “God designed us to learn in the body and through
the body the intimacy of a close personal relationship”.
Sexual union
designed to illumine. This purpose is linked to the picture-function of
marriage. Marriage is a reflection, first of all, of the unity-in-diversity
that exists within the godhead; and second, it is a metaphor or parable of the
covenant relationship between Christ and his bride, the church.
Doug Rosenau and Michael Todd Wilson
summarize:
Our sexuality was designed to be the
greatest parable of the ultimate love story – God’s great love for us. Sexual
intercourse between husband and wife is to reflect God’s love for us – pure,
priceless, and protected from all who seek to destroy it… God designed our love
stories to tell his love story.
The emphasis
there is on the mutual upbuilding of husband and wife as they carry out their
roles with an attitude of sacrificial servanthood empowered by the Holy
Spirit.
The only sex
act that illuminates the picture-function of marriage is sex as an expression
and symbol of the marital covenant. Sex without covenant tells a selfish tale;
covenant-renewing sex discloses God’s love story through our love story.
First, Illuminating
function of sex does not put married believers into a different spiritual class
than single Christians.
Second,
illuminating purpose of sex is part of God’s design, it is not automatically
experienced by all married couples – even Christian ones.
Example: a couple admiring a painting
in an art gallery, they discuss those features of the composition that appeal
to them, they joined by the another person who, it turn out, is the artist who
painted the picture. In response to their interest, he interprets his work for
them by explaining what he was attempting to convey through his presentation of
the subject matter. With his exposition of his own work, their perception is
vastly expanded and their appreciation is heightened.
In the case
of marriage, it is more accurate to say the Holy Spirit connects the dots
between his revelation and our experience of it.
God’s Purpose of Marital Sex
1.
Procreation
of children
2.
The
experience and expression of “one-fleshedness” (unity)
·
Relational
union
·
Complementary
union
·
Union
with distinctness
·
Consummation
and renewal of covenant
·
Physical
joy in love
3.
Illumination
of the picture-function of marriage
Beyond Recreation to Meaning
First, it
exposes the illegitimacy of the concept of nonmarital, recreational sex.
Sex is a
meaning-laden activity, given as a gift to human beings for divinely ordained
purposes.
“Sexual
intercourse must be reserved for marriage, because single persons cannot
express through this act the profound meanings intended by it.”
Chapter 11: Sex and the Moral Will of
God
Let’s
explore a biblical morality of sex
Locating the Fence
Sexual
immorality is the violation of the limits set on permissible sexual activity –
namely sexual intercourse within marriage.
Prohibited
behaviors and patterns, in rough order of their appearance:
·
Adultery
·
Incest
·
Homosexual
intercourse
·
Bestiality
·
Rape
·
Fornication
·
Lust
Stanton Jones summarizes the biblical
revelation on sexual morality:
The Christian sexual ethic… at its
core [is] the teaching
·
That
our sexuality – our embodiedness, our gender and all aspects of what it means
to be men and women – is a precious gift from God;
·
…that
full sexual intimacy is properly experienced only between a man and a women who
are married;
·
…that
those who are not married should refrain from full sexual intimacy with others;
·
…that
all persons, married and unmarried, should be characterized by certain virtues
that will guide and mold their living out of their sexual natures before God
and their fellow men and women.
We must
affirm that the moral purity required of all Christians, single and married, is
possible.
We Christians must insist that
self-control is possible. We have to learn to control our temper, our time, our
greed, our jealousy, our pride: why should it be thought impossible to control
our libido? To say that we cannot is to deny our dignity as human beings and to
descend to the level of animals, which are creatures of uncontrolled instinct.
Problems with Sexual Sin: Biblical
Reasons
The body is not for sexual
immorality, but for the Lord, and Lord for the body.
Do you know
that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have
from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price. Therefore
glorify God with your body.
The
apostle’s reply is both forceful and clear: the believer must “flee
immorality.” And this is so for at least six reasons:
1.
Sexual
sin has an enslaving power. This is the dead opposite of the freedom deluded
people think they are exercising.
2.
Sexual
sin a violation of God’s purpose (design) for the human body: “The body is not
for sexual immorality, but for the Lord”.
3.
Because
the believer is united to Christ, when a Christian man hooks up with a
prostitute (in this case), he is involving Christ in his sin.
4.
Illicit
sex creates a one-flesh union apart from covenant. As such it is a perversion
of the divinely established marriage union.
5.
The
body of the believer does not belong to himself but rather to Christ, who
redeemed it with his blood. Faithful stewardship prohibits immoral behavior.
6.
Unlike
other sins, sexual immorality constitutes a sin “against [one’s] own body,”
which is the temple of the Holy Spirit. Sexual immorality is thus a form of
idolatry that constitutes sacrilege in the holy precincts of God’s dwelling place.
Lewis Smedes summarized the important
There is no such thing as casual
sex, no matter how casual people are about it. It is wrong because it violates
the inner reality of the art; because unmarried people thereby engage in a
life-uniting act without a life-uniting intent. Whenever two people copulate
without a commitment to life-Union, they commit fornication.
Problems with Sexual Sin:
Experiential Consequences
Recreational
sex fails to deliver what it promises.
Counselors
have long recognizes that sex alters the relational dynamics of an unmarried
couple. “Sex intensifies your experience of closeness, whether in a committed
relationship or not.”
Sexual
coupling is a physical event with physiological effects that stimulates strong
feelings of connectedness. Hormones that are released during sex (oxytocin in
women, vasopressin in men). “The human tendency to attach to our sexual
partners is built into our biochemistry and is more than to attach to our
sexual partners is built into our biochemistry and is more than simple cultural
conditioning…
Few couples
realize that their hormones may create an ‘involuntary chemical commitment.’
When they
are dumped, many sexually active women who had experienced a succession of breakups
felt “burned, angry, and betrayed.” The result is a “cumulative negative
attitude on subsequent relationships,” expressed in a “global mistrust and
antagonism toward men.” It generates emotional baggage that has a potentially
damaging impact on at least two other people who are not yet on the scene –
future partners of the current pair.
Chapter 12: Sex and the Single
Christian
From Ethics to Strategy
If Christian
singles are going to be successful in honoring God with their sexuality, they
must pre-think how they are going to carry out their relationships. They need
to decide in advance not only how they are going to behave, but more
importantly why they are going to act in certain ways.
A Strategy for Sexual Stewardship
Here are
seven components
1.
Diligently
guard God’s design for sexuality in oneself and others.
2.
Distinguish
between gender relating and erotic relating.
3.
Identify
stages of intimacy on the bridge between friendship and marriage.
4.
For
each stage on the bridge, determine what constitutes appropriate relational
dynamics.
5.
Prior
to romantic involvement, learn how to relate with appropriate intimacy to God
and fellow Christians.
6.
Learn
to discipline sexual energy through reframing and redirecting.
7.
Be
proactive in dealing with sexual temptation.
Strategic
elements:
1. Value,
Celebrate, and Protect God’s Design.
An effective management plan begins with a commitment “to value,
celebrate, and protect God’s design for sexuality – body, soul and spirit – in
oneself and others.
Reflect the vocabulary of stewardship, reminding us that we are called to
faithfully manage something of great value that actually belongs to Someone
Else.
The focus is on God’s design, and we
are only our bodies, but our souls (mind, emotion, and will) and our spirits
(capacity for relational intimacy with God and others). Finally our
responsibility is both personal and communal. Within Christian community, we
are our brothers (and sisters) keepers.
2. Distinguish
Between Gender Relating and Erotic Relating
Relationships are characterized by a love that is social and nurturing
the broader family of God, gender relating promotes healthy friendships between
Christian brothers and sisters.
Erotic relating, on the other hand, is romantic and arousing. The
ultimate purpose of erotic relating is true intimacy.
3. Identify
stages of intimacy on the bridge between friendship and marriage.
Ø Connecting relationships include
friendships and casual dating. The focus at this juncture is on building skills
for interactions with opposite-sex friends.
Ø Coupling: dating exclusively with a
view to marriage
Ø Covenanting: marriage
In between this phase have three
substages.
i.
Considering:
ü The beginning of a romantic
relationship
ü It includes a period during which the
woman and man agree to date exclusively.
ü Each begins the process of evaluating
the other as a potential life partner.
ii.
Confirming:
ü This is sometimes described as the
stage when the couple is “engaged to be engaged.”
ü Couple should explore any and all
issues that may affect a future marriage.
ü This is most effectively accomplished
with the help of a pastor or counselor through pre-engagement counseling.
iii.
Committing:
ü Formal engagement.
ü The intention to marry is publicly
announced and plans are set in motion for a wedding.
4. Predetermine
Appropriate Relational Dynamics for Each Stage
All connecting relationships (friendships and casual dating) that have
not evolved into romance should feature gender relating that is nonerotic.
Sexual intercourse must be reserved for the Covenanting phase (marriage).
Three times in the Song of Songs, sexually mature adults are warned not
to “awaken or arouse” erotic impulses prematurely.
“A stop sign is any behavior you choose, by the deliberate act of your
will, not to engage in until you’ve reached a certain level of commitment in
your relationship.” The next-to-last stop sign they suggest is the bikini
line.
5. Cultivate
Healthy Skills and Relationships
Before you become romantically involved with a specific someone, learn
how to relate with appropriate intimacy to God and fellow Christians.
If two lonely singles marry, what they will likely experience is a lonely
marriage.
If one never marries, healthy, growing relationships with God and fellow
Christians will be sufficient to overcome loneliness with companionship.
One of the major developmental tasks of single adulthood (in particular)
is the development of a vital sense of masculinity and femininity.
A perception of one’s sexual identity is shaped within the parental home.
The cultivation of friendships, the development of relational skills, and
the maturation of one’s sexual identity should be a priority for Christian
single adults.
6. Constructively
Discipline Sexual Energy
Understand the sexual ache that you feel is more than physical and
hormonal. It is designed to motivate you toward intimate connection that is
more than physical.
We have the ability to feed our arousal or to discipline it. Two means
for processing sexual ache are reframing and redirecting.
Reframing is mostly a mental exercise that involves looking at something in a
different way. A biblical worldview acknowledges the reality and legitimacy of
eros as a magnetic force that draws two people together.
Philos (friendship love) and agape (a sacrificial, unconditional love
that focuses on meeting the needs of another) are clearly appropriate
expression of gender relating between nonromantically connected friends.
Redirecting is more behavioral. It involves channeling sexual energies
toward nonerotic activities and accomplishments.
You might overtly invest in your relationship with God through devotional
disciplines such as Bible study, prayer, or other forms of personal worship.
Connecting with good friend for a time of in-depth conversation, enjoying
fellowship with other Christians in a church group, or engaging in a compassion
ministry in one’s community enable the single Christian to move outward into
the lives of other people.
Exercise, yard work, hiking, jogging and team sports increase adrenaline and
promote mental as well as physical health.
7. Deal
Proactively with Sexual Temptation
The temptation lies in the enticement to indulge erotic thoughts (Matthew
5:28) or engage in sexual behaviors that violate the boundaries of God’s design
– to misuse what is otherwise good. Those are two categories:
·
Fantasy
·
Behavior
Temptations in the thought life may lead to an activity that
does not directly involve another person – masturbation.
Two forms of sexual expression not prohibited in the bible: sex within the
marriage relationship (bible’s overt affirmation) and masturbation (bible’s
silence on the subject).
The bible’s silence puts masturbation in the category of debatable
matters.
This issue falls within the jurisdiction of wisdom.
Better question to ask is “Does masturbation lead me toward
sanctification?”
Moral will of God is not restricted to our behaviors and also concerned
with our thoughts and motivations.
In order for self-stimulation to not be sinful, it must be done without
entertaining lustful thoughts toward another person, it must not become
compulsive or addictive, and it should not be practiced as an erotic effort to
meet nonerotic needs such as loneliness, fear, grief, or boredom.
Pornography intentionally provokes lust and lures men and women
away from God’s intention and design for sex. Porn actually does:
·
It
counterfeits God’s design with an empty imitation. It replaces relational
intimacy with solitary sensual pleasure and conveys a false message that sex is
about personal gratification.
·
It
dehumanizes women, making them objects to be penetrated rather than lovely
creatures in the image of God to be valued, honored, and appropriately known.
·
It
literally reconfigures a man’s mind in destructive ways.
Sexually acting out in response to pornography creates sexual
associations that are stored as hormonal and neurological habits. These
associations are seared into the fabric of the brain. These memories can then
be pulled up at any time and replayed as private sexual fantasies. In sexual
fantasy, the neurological circuit is replayed, further strengthening it. The
result is an increase in autonomic sexual arousal, which requires an outlet.
These memories and fantasies keep him in bondage and worsen the consequences of
the earlier behavior.
·
It
often enslaves the voyeur through escalation and addiction.
·
It
will cripple the individual depriving him of the ability to function in a
sexually healthy way. It trains him to bond emotionally to an image rather than
a person and prevents him from entering into the relational intimacy that sex
is designed to promote. One man reported that he not able to consummate
intercourse with his wife after they were married because of his premarital
masturbating. This was, of course, degrading to her wife and destructive to
their marriage.
·
It haunts those who would like to leave it in
the past. Image from past sexual fantasies intrude into the legitimate acts of
lovemaking between spouses, disrupting the intimacy that such union is designed
to produce.
·
It
steals from a future marriage the fulfillment and joy that is intended by God
and anticipated by a bride and groom.
The other area where a commitment to purity will be
challenged is in a romantic relationship with another person. In this case the
additional risk is that of going too far in expressing erotic passion.
Retreat and Avoid
The first principle can’t be missed:
when you first encounter temptation, run for your life!
That principle
is reactive.
Second principle is avoiding
circumstances where you’re sure to be tempted.
Negative steps to proactive guarding
against sexual temptation are
i.
To
actively avoid situations where you’re sure to be tempted
ii.
To
flee from it when it arises.
Positive side provides the
motivation.
Learn to love God more than you love
sin.
Helpful suggestion: “Enjoy the
companionship of those who call on the Lord with pure hearts”
The constructive roles of other
believers in helping us grow and maintain purity is often underestimated. The
grace that we need for spiritual transformation has its origin in God. But he
often channels that grace through other people. Sometimes we need discipline
and structure; sometimes we need acceptance and support. These factors in
spiritual health are best supplied by brothers and sisters with whom we
experience mutual commitment, trust, and love.
Third principle for fending off
sexual temptation: Cultivate your relationship with God and with his people.
Connecting
with God and other believers is both the goal of that design and the best means
for subverting temptation.
It is not
strategy that determines your behavior – it’s your character.
A good
character, a virtuous character, can usually do the right thing without having
to think about it very much.
Chapter 13: Cohabitation: A Dangerous
Liaison
Defining
features of cohabitation – nonmarital sex.
Whether this
state of affairs is due to ignorance (lack of instruction) or willful disregard
of scriptural guidelines, the subject needs careful attention.
It Seem like a Good Idea at the Time
Those who were leery of or just not
ready for matrimony, living together seemed to offer some advantages over
marriage.
·
Cohabitation
is easier to begin and end than marriage.
·
It
can be less expensive that living apart.
·
It
seems to be more loving because cohabitation does not rely on the external prop
of marriage.
·
It
offers a relationship where sex roles are less stereotyped.
·
It
combines the sexual and emotional closeness of marriage with the autonomy
(independence) of singleness.
As an
alternative to or preparation for marriage, cohabitation is far from
beneficial; it is, in fact, detrimental.
Specific Problems of Cohabitation
Higher Likelihood of Breakup
The
cohabiters experienced lower levels of competency or satisfaction in four
areas:
i.
Less
marital interaction
ii.
More
serious marital disagreements
iii.
More
prone to marital instability
iv.
Reported
higher incidence of divorce
Sobering statistic:
Only two out of ten cohabiting
couples are able to build a lasting marriage.
“Cohabitation
– it’s training for divorce.”
Differing Expectations
The dominant
motivation for many men is convenience – available sex and shared expenses.
Liabilities for Women
A woman
faces other disadvantages in a cohabiting arrangement.
When a woman
lives with a man without… a marriage certificate, she immediately lose the
following things: her independence, her freedom to make choices, her privacy,
all of her mystery, any practical bargaining position in the power struggle of
love…the prospect of having a child other than an illegitimate one, the
protection of the law.
Why Cohabitation Doesn’t Work
Cohabitation
is a violation of the Creator’s design for relationships between men and women.
Cohabitation is a corrupted hybrid of the two sanctioned states of singleness
and marriage.
“Marriage is
an exclusive heterosexual covenant between one man and one woman, ordained and
sealed by God, preceded by a public leaving of parents, consummated in sexual
union, issuing in a permanent mutually supportive partnership, and normally
crowned by the gift of children.
Two
essential components of a marriage include the public commitment in which
faithfulness is promised at the wedding (“leaving and cleaving”), and the
private consummation (“become one flesh”) in which faithfulness is kept and
expanded into a fully shared life.
Cohabitation is Different from
Marriage
·
A
distortion of love
·
Absence
of vows
·
Isolation
from community
·
No
place for children
·
Perversion
of freedom
Cohabitation is Dangerous for Marriage
The idea of
a trail is faulty simply because it is impossible.
The
mentality between cohabiting partners and married spouses are building
compatibility. Cohabiters focus on obtaining satisfaction from their partner;
spouses focus on giving satisfaction to their partner.
Second, the
experience of prior cohabitation introduces dynamics into a marriage that, left
unattended, will undermine it.
v Lingering
Mistrust
v Regret
and Guilt
v Intruding
Memories
v The
Comfort Factor
v Practiced
Self-Withholding
Cohabitation and You
The bible
uses one word to describe our appropriate response any time we find ourselves
walking outside of the moral will of God. That word is repentance. You should
repent and receive God’s forgiveness.
For
repentance to be genuine, it must be expressed in action.
This action is required for four
reasons.
i.
Most
important reason is obedience,
ii.
Separation
will allow you to create a disruption between the old arrangement and the new
style of relating. It will allow you to prepare for your marriage by correcting
the mistakes of your past and establishing new commitments and patterns for the
future.
iii.
Separation
will allow you to establish what some call “secondary virginity” based on God’s
forgiveness and restoration. This step will let him create a new thing in your
life and allow you to plan your wedding with a real honeymoon.
iv.
Separation
will give you a legacy from which one day you can instruct you children. If you
do nothing, all you can say to them is “Do as we say, not as we did.”
Heart of married love is
self-sacrifice.
If you truly
love this woman, this is your best opportunity to prove it.
Part 5: Looking for a Mate
Modern Myth
5: The most important criterion for a good marital match is chemistry.
Introduction to Part 5
God’s Design: Overview
1.
God’s
design for decision making can be summarized in four principles:
i.
Where
God commands, we must obey.
ii.
Where
there is no command, God gives us freedom and responsibility to choose.
iii.
Where
there is no command, God gives us wisdom to choose.
iv.
When
we have chosen what is moral and wise, we must trust the sovereign God to work
all the details together for good.
2.
The
choice of singleness and marriage are non-commanded decision
3.
We
make our choice in partnership with God.
4.
Sequences
are important in decision making.
5.
Marriage
was God’s idea.
6.
Though
marriage was to be norm in a sinless world, both singleness and marriage are
equally valid vocations in the age of redemption.
7.
While
marital decisions are not dictated by the moral will of God, they are regulated
by it.
8.
It
is perfectly legitimate for those who hope to get married to take initiative
that might lead to that outcome.
The wisdom of Counselors
1)
Wisdom
is not revelation
2)
Being
human, the counselors don’t always agree with each other in every area
3)
The
counselors cannot make your choices for you
They (the counselors)
formed conclusion based on
·
Years
of counseling experience
·
On
research
·
Illustrates
identifiable biblical principles
Practical
wisdom aims to maximize opportunities, manage difficulties and avoid mistake.
Chapter 14: Top Ten Missteps to a
Miserable Marriage
Wisdom of
Proverbs regarding the selection of a marriage partner can be condensed to four
words: Don’t mess it up.
Misstep 1: Marry Too Young
Few human
beings reach psychological maturity before age 25. Bill Hybels identifies at
least four components in this developmental task:
1.
The
process of individuation – becoming separate from one’s parents and siblings
2.
The
determination of core values – the beliefs and priorities by which one will
live
3.
The
development of core competencies – gifts, talents, abilities, and life skills
that will be channeled through a career path
4.
The
work of spiritual formation – identifying and solidifying one’s convictions
about God and the role he will play in one’s life
During such
developmental flux, one doesn’t know oneself well enough to choose a marriage
partner, much less make a wise evaluation of someone else who is going through
the same process.
Grow up
first, Marriage is for adults.
Misstep 2: Marry Too Quickly
Have a
really short courtship.
They are
long on fantasy, short on reality.
For couples
who have not known each other over a long period of time, it should last
several months, not just several weeks.
Early stages
of a relationship, both individuals are putting their best selves on display.
At least
three months for imperfections to begin to surface, for patterns to begin to
show through.
“Keep all of
your bonding dynamics [trust, reliance, commitment, and sexual involvement] in
check during the first three months.”
It takes
more than three months to discern the character qualities that one ought to
require in a spouse – honesty, faithfulness, loyalty, commitment, forgiveness,
self-control, discipline, endurance, and the like.
We were
convinced that the number one reason couple divorce is not money, sex, or
infidelity, but rather the decision to get married was made too quickly.
Three months
is the minimum length for courtship. Don’t be in a rush.
Misstep 3: Marry Too Eagerly
People who
pursue marriage driven by fantasy, fear, or need are going to the wrong place
to get their expectations met.
The
corrective: Learn God’s purposes for matrimony and get realistic about
marriage.
Misstep 4: Confine Your Courtship to
a Narrow Range of Experiences
This occurs
is through superficial dating experiences that are long on fantasy but short on
authenticity.
Courtship
should provide opportunity for a man and woman to get to truly know one another
through diverse experiences and in a variety of settings.
A couple
needs to see each other at work and at worship as well as at play. They need to
serve God together in challenging circumstances. They need to experience
hardship together, resolve conflict, negotiate competing values, and sort out
financial issues, whether some storms. They should become well acquainted with
each other’s families and friends.
The
corrective: not just time but variety.
Misstep 5: Test Compatibility by
Living Together
This is the
opposite mistake from the previous one.
Corrective:
maintain appropriate boundaries during each phase of courtship.
Misstep 6: Marry to Please Your
Father/Mother/Peers/Lover
Most
external pressure on single adults to get married is well-meaning, and not all
of it is verbalized or even intended.
Firstly,
wrong person(s) is controlling the decision making. For a covenant to have
legitimacy, both partners to it must give willing consent. Husband and wife
must have the ego-strength to choose for themselves.
Second, the
motivation for such marriage decisions is misplaced. Valid reasons for marriage
should emerge from our understanding of God’s design for marriage plus a mature
evaluation for our situation in life.
I hasten to
add that we should not err on the opposite side – failure to consult with
others about marital decision. We need counsel of family members and friends to
identify blind spots in our relational perceptions.
The
corrective: make deliberate, freely chosen decision based on biblical reasons.
Misstep 7: Make Assumption Rather
Than Mutual Decisions About Marriage Expectations.
Every
newlywed comes into marriage with expectations. But most of our expectations
are subconscious and therefore, unspoken.
The faulty
assumption here is that the person I’m getting married to is thinking pretty
much the same way I am about how our marriage is going to work.
The
corrective: Explore and discuss expectations ahead of time. This is where
premarital counseling becomes so important. Discussing expectations with a
third party monitoring the conversation can be extremely valuable. Also during
courtship, watch the marriages of people that you know and analyze them
together.
Misstep 8: Marry Someone Who Does Not
Share Your Commitment to Christ
For believer
and an unbeliever are fundamentally different at the very core of their lives.
When one
considers God’s design for marriage – its mission, purpose, and functions – it
should be obvious that a shared and growing commitment to Christ on the part of
both partners is essential.
Corrective:
marry a committed Christian who is growing spiritually.
Misstep 9: Ignore Unaddressed
Personality and Behavioral Problems
People do
not simply outgrow childhood trauma.
Growing up
in a severely dysfunctional home inculcates unhealthy patterns of responding to
others that become deeply imbedded in a person’s psyche. Some of these learned
behaviors appear positive to outsiders – high achievement, an extraordinary
sense of compassion, a remarkable sense of humor.
60 percent
of American adults say they had “Difficult childhoods featuring abusive or
troubled family members or parents who were absent due to separation or
divorce.”
Two broad categories of problems:
i.
Issues
stemming from one’s family of origin.
Should alert for the Big Three: Divorce, Addiction or Abuse
Good news: the systems that children from dysfunctional families learn
and apply to life are widely understood by relationship expert and can be
comprehended by ordinary people.
Some people choose to deny the reality of their injury, hoping that time
alone will heal the wounds and dim the memory.
It is also important to discuss these kinds of issues in premarital
counseling may be required.
ii.
Troubling
behavior or personality patterns.
The best
time to deal with such issues is prior to marriage. Rather than correcting such
problems, marriage usually exacerbates them.
The
corrective: unpack the baggage. Bring the issues to resolution. Get involved in
counseling if that’s what you have to do. Or run for your life.
Misstep 10: Choose your Spouse with
Your Heart, Not Your Head
|
TOP TEN MISSTEPS TO A MISERABLE MARRIAGE
|
||
|
|
Missteps
|
Correctives
|
|
1
|
Marry too young.
|
Grow up. Marriage is for grownups.
|
|
2
|
Marry too quickly.
|
Court slowly. Get to know each other
well.
|
|
3
|
Marry too eagerly.
|
Get realistic about marriage.
|
|
4
|
Confine your courtship to a narrow range
of experiences.
|
Not just time, but variety.
|
|
5
|
Test compatibility by living together.
|
Set appropriate boundaries.
|
|
6
|
Marry to please someone else.
|
Make freely chosen decisions based on
biblical reasons.
|
|
7
|
Make assumptions rather than mutual
decisions about marriage expectations.
|
Explore and discuss expectations ahead
of time in premarital counseling.
|
|
8
|
Marry someone who does not share your
commitment to Christ.
|
Marry a committed Christian who is
growing spiritually.
|
|
9
|
Ignore unaddressed personality and
behavioral problems.
|
Unpack the baggage and bring issues to
resolution.
|
|
10
|
Choose your spouse with your heart,
not your head.
|
Engage your mind, preferably before
you fall in love.
|
Get Healthy
Seeds of
divorce are present prior to marriage.
God’s grace
is sufficient, but it will be needed.
“Get yourself healthy before you get
yourself married.”
“No marriage can ever be stronger
than the emotional health of the least healthy partner” (Dr. Warren)
He explains:
If you try to build intimacy with
another person before you have done the hard work of getting yourself whole and
healthy, all your relationships will become attempts to complete yourself.
Moreover, if you are not healthy yourself, you will almost always attach
yourself to another person in hopes of validating your self-worth.
Two other reasons for this critical
task are given.
·
Healthy
people make healthy choices.
·
Healthy
people attract healthy people.
What do you look like when you are
healthy? Henry Cloud poses this question.
ü You can make an emotional connection.
ü You have self-respect and clear
boundaries. (People know where you stand and what you want.)
ü You are real and free okay about
yourself. (You don’t have to be perfect or find a perfect person.)
ü You are competent and have opinions
and talents of your own, and you treat others as equals.
ü You are comfortable with your
sexuality, but not acting it out like a teenager.
Les Parrott
teamed up with Neil Clark Warren to write Love the Life You Live. They identify
three hallmarks of wholeness:
1)
A
profound sense of significance (getting right with God)
2)
A
lifestyle of unswerving authenticity (getting right with yourself)
3)
An
attitude of self-giving characterized by generosity, truthfulness, and
kindness. (Getting right with others –love)
Chapter 15: Profile of a Keeper
You can have
chemistry first, relationship second. Or you can have relationship first,
chemistry second.
There is the
fragility of chemistry as a basis for lasting relationship. So lacking the time
to cultivate the relationship, the chemistry just petered out.
Relationship First (Robin Maxson)
Should ask
what sort of man/woman should I be looking for? Mostly it consisted of
character qualities with commitment to Christ at the top.
The lady who
lights my fire is the women I am married to.
Everyone’s
experience is different, but mine illustrates three themes that are prominent
in this book. The first is the judgment-impairing effect of chemistry. Dr. Van
Epp calls it “that intoxicating attraction.” He passes along four warnings:
1.
Chemistry
is not always a good judge of character.
2.
Chemistry
sees what it wants to see.
3.
Chemistry
is not constant even in the best of relationships.
4.
When
chemistry precedes relationship, it prompts premature sexual involvement.
The second
theme illustrated in my experience is the preferability of relationship first,
chemistry second.
The List
The next:
the benefit of developing a profile of the kind of person who would make a
well-matched spouse – a keeper.
“Don’t marry
a person who doesn’t have all of your top-ten ‘must haves’. Similarly, don’t
marry a person who has any of your ten can’t stands.” No exceptions.
Taking the
effort to carefully think through and literally write down our specifications
for a spouse was very helpful to us. To be useful, it must be highly specific.
More Than a Soul Mate – a “Mission
Mate”
Henry Cloud
maintains that someone who is good for you will have a threefold effect on you
over time:
1)
You
end up closer to God
2)
You
end up closer to others
3)
You
become more of yourself.
This is the
value-added nature of a healthy marriage.
Laura Smit
summarizes it well: “Christian should marry only those who enhance their
ability to live Christ-like lives, those able to be true partners in Christian
service, those who give them a vision of the image of God and the glory of
Christ.”
What about Compatibility?
“You need
the marriage relationship for the opportunity to learn to become compatible,
and it takes the first decade for marriage for this to become a reality.”
Appraising the potential for
compatibility
This difference is subtle, to be
sure, but important for two reasons.
i.
It
injects a healthy dose of reality into the process.
ii.
It
should help to refine your focus on what you should be looking for – the
qualities that will contribute to compatibility.
As you consider the desired
specifications for a potential mate, then you should ask two questions:
1)
What
are the qualities of a person I could effectively join forces with in the
pursuit of God’s goals for our marriage?
2)
What
qualities in a candidate for marriage will contribute to compatibility?
Chapter 16: Calculating Compatibility
Those who
advocate the creation of a profile of a keeper – preferably before you fall in
love.
The starting
point is the biblical design for spouses: vocational partnership (a teammate)
and relational companionship (a soul mate).
Two good
questions to ask are:
1.
What
are the qualities of a person I could effectively join forces with in the
pursuit of God’s goals for our marriage?
2.
What
qualities in a candidate for marriage will contribute to compatibility?
Since
compatibility means being “capable of living together harmoniously or getting
along well together; in agreement, combine well,” true compatibility is not
something a couple starts out with.
You will find helpful to organize the
profile into five ingredients in the recipe for compatibility: (Five Keys to
Compatibility)
·
Character:
Godliness that is the product of one’s past and ongoing relationship with God
reflected in specific, Christlike virtues.
·
Commitment:
Faithfulness to the marriage covenant underwritten by the reliability of the
promise keeper.
·
Comparability:
Similarities that promote unity of perspective and purpose
Ø Where you came from – background
Ø Where you are going – goals
Ø What you are like – personal makeup
Ø What matters to you – values
Ø What you hope for – expectations
·
Complementarity:
Differences that help each other grow, to be better than either could be your
own.
·
Chemistry:
A powerful feeling of attraction for another person.
5 keys to Compatibility
Character
Character is one’s moral nature – those
convictions and traits that guide one’s attitudes, motives, and actions.
When
considering a prospective mate, character is the most important thing.
In fallen
world, one purpose of marriage is the growth of spiritual character in the
lives of each family member. Each spouse is to intentionally build the other up
in godliness. Christian single adult should be looking for someone of
sufficient spiritual maturity and commitment to have the inclination and
capacity to pursue those God-given purposes.
The only
things that last are in a person’s character.
Character is
fleshed out in specific traits. New Testament abounds in lists of desirable
virtues: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,
gentleness, self-control, humility, compassion, integrity, forbearance, mercy,
gratitude, endurance, contentment, generosity.
The Best and the Worst
If two
people who are kind, there is no possibility of divorce.
Both men and
women rate kindness as the second most important quality to look for in
a mate.
The other
three virtues emphasized by the Jewish commentators were humility,
responsibility, and contentment. Young and Adams highlight 5 character
qualities: faithful, honest, committed, forgiving and giving.
Dr. Warren
warns against obstreperousness – “a big word for a person who is harsh,
critical, unappreciative, difficult to please and never satisfied.”
First, nobody’s perfect. Anyone you consider
will be a work-in-progress. A realistic standard is relative maturity.
Second,
according bible, production of godly character is a joint effort between God
and the believer. “The fruit of the Spirit” that comes as we “remain” in
Christ. Accordingly, you should pay attention to the priority a prospective
spouse places on the cultivation of their relationship with God. Furthermore
since relationship is the best expressed and advanced in community, that person’s
involvement with a local church is highly relevant.
Apparently I
said, “Find the most spiritually mature person who will have you, and marry
them.”
Commitment
Cohabiters
test compatibility, spouses build compatibility.
Commitment
is more than continuing to stick it out and suffer with a poor choice of a
spouse. It’s not just maintaining; it’s investing. It’s not just enduring; it’s
working to make the relationship grow. It’s not just accepting and tolerating
negative and destructive patterns on the part of your spouse; it’s working
toward change. It’s sticking to someone regardless of circumstances.
Comparability (Similarities) and
Complementarity (Differences)
Two partners
have a blend of similarities and differences in personalities, backgrounds and
lifestyles. The balance of this blend is what makes or breaks the couple.
If you are
looking for an intimately in fulfilling God’s mission, then you’re going to
want your partner to be like you in ways that promote unity of purpose and
perspective, while bringing distinctive characteristic and aptitudes that
strengthen the team.
Constructive Similarities
As you
compile your profile, you will want to pay attention to the following five
areas:
1.
Where
you have come from. – Background similar will affect the ease with which you
develop compatibility.
2.
Where
you are going. – Our goals and dreams give direction to our lives.
3.
What
you are like. –Features of personal makeup where similarities are important
include level of ambition, level of energy, level of intelligence (education) ,
sense of humor (laugh at same things?), desire and ability for verbal intimacy,
personal habits (punctuality, cleanliness, orderliness, social graces, weight
management), work habits and personal interests.
Similarities in these areas (especially common interests) will advance
the cause of compatibility.
4.
What
matters to you. Values are the convictions and principles that guide the way we
live and make decisions. This is the most important category where alignment
between allies is required.
5.
What
you hope for. Your expectations of what your marriage will be like are shaped
by the previous four categories.
Complementary Differences
Significantly
different from you in at least one respect – gender
Variety in
the temperaments, aptitudes, skills, gifts, talents, abilities and experiences
that people bring to their relationship
Dangerous Differences
Instead of
mutual relationship of love, an unhealthy dependency is established.
Unbalanced
people have a knack of finding each other: addicts find codependents, abusers
find the victimized, controlled find adapters the emotionally need find
rescuers.
John Van Epp
gives three helpful guidelines:
1.
Complementarity
exists when time ends up refining the blend of differences in mutually
beneficial ways.
2.
This
produces a deep and mutual appreciation of differences
3.
Partners
with true complementarity become less different and more alike overtime.
This is one
evidence that they are becoming compatible.
Matching Temperaments?
The DISC
personality inventory to help individuals understand their behavioral styles,
identify the distinctive patterns of others and recognize how those variations
affect their interactions. This format helped us to see both the similarities
and differences.
More
important, the value of that diversity
Those
differences will make us more effective as a team – if we value and utilize the
strengths of each type and make allowance for those tendencies that are
different from ours.
Each style
has strengths and weaknesses.
We will
become most effective in relating to and working with each other when we
1.
Understand
each other’s styles and perspectives
2.
Appreciate
the value of the other’s distinctive makeup
3.
Resist
the impulse to try to change that person to become like us
4.
Show
respect in every interaction
Henry Cloud
and John Townsend encourage singles to keep an open mind in this area.
Sometimes people are too restrictive, limiting consideration of potential dates
to those who are “my type.” A lot of happy married people who kept an open mind
were surprised by the kind of person they ended up with.
Chemistry
·
Powerful
feeling of attraction for another person
·
Is
kind of emotional magnetism that draws two people toward one another
·
It
creates the desire to be close, to hold hands, to kiss, to have sex
·
Sense
of connectedness that is the precondition of falling in love
·
No
one knows what causes it.
·
Appear
to be a spontaneous response to a complex of factors that could include some
combination of physical appearance, personality, sense of humor, charm,
intellect, status, talents, spirituality, or the release of pheromones.
·
You
either have it or you don’t
Million couples whose marriages were arranged have started by
“rubbing two sticks together” with highly satisfactory results.
I found out, one can always pray.
Chemistry: “Don’t get married without it”. The more prevalent
warning is, “Don’t get married because of chemistry alone.” As the chemistry of
passion without a base of deeper, more important compatibilities, typically
lasts only about six to eight months.
Marry a Friend
If chemistry
is the icing, friendship is the cake. “Don’t fall in love with someone you
wouldn’t be friends with.”
A real and
lasting relationship must be built upon friendship first. You are going to
spend a lot of time with that person.
1.
Chemistry
is not always a good judge of character
2.
Chemistry
sees what it wants to see
3.
Chemistry
is not constant even in the best of relationships
4.
When
chemistry precedes relationship, it prompts premature sexual involvement
Sketching the Profile
[Character + Commitment] +
[Comparability + Complementarity + Chemistry]
→ Compatibility
If you were to find someone who is perfect, there
would be no way for you to contribute to their spiritual growth, which is one
of the primary missions of marriage.
Disqualification by a prospect on any single criterion
is a deal-breaker.
Here’s a suggestion: go on a one-day retreat and get
it done. Study, reflect and pray.
How Does This Affect Me
Personally?
First, if you are going to evaluate similarities and
differences, there must be a standard for comparison. So the first corollary is
“Know yourself.” Before you can think of investigating someone else’s assets
and liabilities, you need to become an expert on yourself.
This is why marriage is for grownups. One measure of
mature adulthood is a sense of identity that is separate from your parents and
your peers. You must have clarity on your own goals, values, convictions,
interests and expectations.
With respect to the first subset, character and
commitment, the second corollary is: “Become the profile.” It is simply not
legitimate to require qualities in a prospective mate that you do not have
yourself.
While it is important to find the right person to marry,
it is more important to be the right person to marry.
Chapter 17: Courtship: Getting Our
Bearings
By virtue of
the explanation provided by the Designer, you have a clearer picture than
anyone of the destination.
While the
choice of whether to go there is given to you, you are provided with the
criteria for making that decision. Unlike
your peers, you do have a compass that can keep you from getting lost – the
moral will of God. You have access to trustworthy guides (wise mentors) who can
help you find your way along the path. You have a Travel Agent who guarantees
your safe arrival at the destination of his choosing as he secretly guides by
means of his sovereign will.
What will
you use for a map?
5 paths
contend there is a reliable, sanctioned route to follow.
Christian Alternatives
Courtship
A process in
which a man and women of marriageable age intentionally explore the possibility
or marriage
They do this
by spending time together in a variety of setting, sharing in diverse
experiences.
Practitioners
of courtship do not engage in casual recreational dating.
They are
conscious of moving through phases in development of their relationship – from
casual friendship, to deeper friendship, to purposeful intimacy with integrity,
to engagement. This process may be terminated by either party at any juncture
prior to a wedding.
Any man
interested in cultivating a personal relationship with her must gain the
approval of her father and subsequent courtship will be carried out under his
watchful eye.
Betrothal
If a man
identifies a woman that he finds suitable or desirable as a wife, he approaches
her father and expresses his interest.
After a time
of thoughtful reflection and prayer, the girl decides how to respond to the
proposal.
This period
of betrothal is seen as a time of preparation authorizing the couple to begin
“releasing their hearts to one another.”
Taking Responsibility
R. Paul
Stevens answer: “In reality there are only two ways to get married: have an
arranged marriage (someone else does the arranging) or arrange one yourself!”
Imagining Courtship
The journey
begins with the development of connecting relationship, which include
friendships and casual dating.
The focus at
this juncture is on building skills for interactions which opposite-sex
friends.
“Crossing
the bridge (coupling)” entails moving through three sub-phases: Considering,
Confirming and Committing.
Considering
·
Man
and woman agree to date exclusively
·
Process
of evaluating the other as a potential life partner begins
Confirming
·
“Engaged
to be engaged.”
·
Couple
explores any and all issues that affect a future marriage.
·
This
most effectively accomplished through pre-engagement counseling.
Committing
·
Formal
engagement
·
Intention
to marry is publicly announced and plans are set in motion for a wedding.
If we
superimpose, then the concepts of dating, courtship and betrothal onto the
steps involved in crossing the bridge, we see following equivalencies:
Connecting = casual dating
Coupling =
·
Considering:
dating/courtship
·
Confirming:
dating/courtship
·
Committing:
dating/betrothal
Covenanting
= dating/marriage
The Role of Dating
1.
Dating
gives people the opportunity to learn about themselves, others and
relationships in a safe context.
2.
Dating
provides a context to work through issues.
3.
Dating
helps build relationship skills.
4.
Dating
can heal and repair.
5.
Dating
is relational and has value in and of itself.
6.
Dating
lets someone learn what he or she likes in the opposite sex.
7.
Dating
gives a context to learn sexual self-control and other delay of gratification.
Chapter 18: Courtship: Devising the
Plan
“Good
planning and hard work lead to prosperity, but hasty shortcuts lead to
poverty.” Proverb 21:25
Prosperity
is always product of good planning and hard work.
Prerequisites for Crossing the Bridge
The person
who is prepared to take initiative in finding a mate should meet the following
conditions:
·
You
are a grown-up and growing adult.
·
You
are emotionally healthy.
·
You
have a life (you don’t need to get married to be OK).
·
You
understand God’s design for marriage and are committed to it.
·
You
know yourself well.
·
You
have established boundaries of moral behavior.
·
Your
have constructed your profile of a keeper.
·
You
are pursuing godly character.
·
You
have good friends.
If any of
these characteristics are not in place, you need to focus your energies on
self-preparation rather than looking for Mr. or Ms. Right.
The Tasks of Courtship
On the one
hand, there is plenty of precedent for women setting the courtship process in
motion.
Task 1: You need ways to meet
prospective mates.
“People who
meet people go where people are”
Henry Cloud
offers list of places where singles have met their future spouse.
1.
Visit
churches
2.
Talk
to your friends (close and extended) about setting you up.
3.
Attend
events sponsored by organizations.
4.
Go
parties of all types.
5.
Join
organizations and activities related to your interests.
6.
Check
the newspaper and web. Most papers have postings of local activities.
7.
Throw
some parties.
8.
Start
something up. (create event)
9.
Seek
out and attend cultural events.
10.
Visit
singles’ vacation and recreational spots.
11.
Exercise
where singles are.
12.
Take
a class
13.
Join
your coworkers when they go out.
The first
rule to practice in such exploration is safety.
The second
rule is to be persistent. Most people don’t find their keeper on the first
match. It may take quantity to get quality.
Task 2: You need ways to acquire the
social skills necessary for relationship building.
Henry Cloud
“I will no longer see dating as a place only to find a mate, but as a place to
learn, grow, experience and serve other people. It is my laboratory of
learning, growth and experience.”
So on your
first date(s), leave the profile at home, just have fun!
Task 3: You need ways to get to know
another person very well.
I=T+T+T.
Intimacy
equals Talk (mutual self-disclosure) plus Togetherness (diversified
experiences) plus Time.
Maxson’s Maxims
My first
idea as to do with actually making a date
My
suggestion: recruit a broker
My second
idea is to establish and practice two categories of dating:
·
Social
dates (Relational companionship)
·
Service
dates (Vocational partnership)
Example: we
worked together on a worship team. We are able to observe one another and
participate together in work and ministry situations.
He
recommends that you give a priority to service dates over social dates for
three reasons.
1.
You
may find that an invitation to share in a ministry project is less threatening
and easier to accept.
2.
Service
date provide a better setting for demonstrating and evaluating the more
significant components of your profile – character and commitment (but also
comparability and complementarity)
3.
Starting
out with service-related interactions follows the sequence in the arranged
marriage where a couple launches the vocational partnership first and grows the
relational companionship over time.
Third idea is related to the second: whether a given date is social or
service-oriented, approach it (and your date) with a ministry mindset.
“You shall
not be like the pagans who go on dates mainly to impress the other person and
evaluate their suitability to meet their needs. Instead, seek to advance God’s
rule and righteousness in the life of your date, and these other things will be
properly ordered in your relationship.”
Whether you
choose to follow Maxson’s Maxims or not, you must find ways to enter into the
other person’s world – work, family, friends, recreation, service and worship –
in order to truly know him or her.
These shared experiences are two
areas of behavior to pay special attention to:
the situational and the relational.
Situational behavior: how the other
person acts in various situations.
Relational
behavior: how the other person treats you in those shared experiences.
Task 4: You need strategies and
structures to address and mitigate the judgment-impairing effects of romantic
attachment.
The only
thing wrong with those strategies is that the timing of Cupid’s assault is
often very inconvenient. The resultant inflammation of the heart is notoriously
difficult to schedule. But while love’s euphoria is very powerful, one’s mind
and will are not rendered helpless. And one of the ways to maintain sanity
while under the influence is by taking preemptive steps before the arrow
strikes.
Steps to Preempt Cupid’s Assault
First step
is simply being aware of the potential problem.
Second,
while feelings of attraction maybe unruly, something can be done to manage the
expression and intensification of those feelings.
This
involves setting boundaries at the beginning of a relationship about how
affection is going to be expressed and phased in over the course of the
relationship.
Third step
is to call in the cavalry. Community involvement was one of the strengths of
the arranged marriage.
As you
consult counselors, do not overlook the potential benefit of giving your
parents a prominent role.
Task 5: You need to learn how to
balance and manage agape, philos and eros.
Good
marriage is enriched by all three shades of love as they become interwoven in
the fabric of life.
Having said
that, agape protects the loved one
from the abuses of unfettered eros
during courtship and superintends its expression during marriage. Agape guards
the heart and allows philos to grow
into a devoted companionship that will sustain a marriage for a lifetime.
Agape: This
quality of selflessness cannot be produced by sheer determination or effort. It
is a fruit of the Spirit. One’s growing relationship with God will be the most
important aspect of a courtship that results in a godly and fulfilling
marriage.
Task 6: You need to keep the “find a
mate” project in proper perspective and balance with the rest of your life.
The middle
ground between a resigned passivity and self-reliant orchestration of events is
a “contented initiative” or “relaxed engagement” that determines and carries
out a course of action while resting and relying on the sovereign will of God.
Our greatest
experiences of happiness come to us as a by-product of something else – holy,
love-giving living.
Task 7: You need to get you person of
interest on board with your approach so that you are traveling together.
Ask him or
her read a copy of this book and then discusses how the principles and insights
are going to shape the conduct of your relationship.
Afterword
Purpose of
this book is to equip unmarried Christians to make wise marital choices
according to the will of God
In the
pursuit of this objective, you need to remain clear about three things:
1.
The
framework for marital decision making
2.
The
requirements for making wise choices
3.
The
proper attitude for this pursuit.
Framework
Your marital
status is not the main thing about your life. As a child of God and a disciple
of Jesus, the choices you make about singleness and marriage should be viewed
in term of your stewardship of a life-on-loan.
Requirements
To make wise
marital decisions according to the will of God, you should do 5 things:
1.
You
need to pray for wisdom and about your desires.
2.
You
need to understand and commit to God’s design.
3.
You
need to grow up and become a healthy, maturing adult.
4.
You
need to make relational choices that are moral and wise.
5.
If
you find a suitable prospect for marriage, you need to prepare well together.
Optional: if
you want to get married, create a profile and devise a plan.
Attitude
Appropriate
attitude for marital decision making is TRUST.
Trust in the
goodness of God’s character, the wisdom of His timing and the sufficiency of
His power should give you confidence that your plans and efforts will lead to
an outcome that brings benefit to you and glory to God.
For as you
devise and implement your plan, you can count on God to bring about his
purposes in, through, around and beyond it.
Recall the advice of counselor Larry Crabb:
“Pray for your desires; work for your goals.”
It should be
your goal to live in a way that honors God whether through singleness or
marriage. It should be your goal to “become the profile.” What is your desire?
A godly mate? Your heavenly Father is eager to hear what is on your heart.
Philippians
4:6-7
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