輕鬆學九型- 王天佑著

我們一生中最重要的兩件事就是：「認識上帝」及認識自己」

1） 「九型人格」幫助你更「認識自己」

「九型人格學」幫助我們從「內心」世界去了解人，而不是從人的「外表」來認識人，了解人行為背後的「動機」，「慾望」及「懼怕」。

「九型人格學」不是從每個人對「單一事件」的反應來辨認他們的性格，而是從每個人「慣性思考模式，情緒反應及行為模式」來辨認。

透過九型人格，我們不但能認識自己的「特點」，「優點」及「缺點」，也能看見自己的「盲點」。比如，第二型的人往往沒看見自己有一個問題，就是他們有「救世主情結」，就是喜歡當「救世主」，當他們幫助別人的時候，能感受到自己的偉大。「救世主的滿足感」是很多第二型的盲點。

2） 「九型人格」幫助你更「認識別人」

尊重和包容的基礎是了解與理解，「了解」創造出「諒解」，培養出新的關係。

有很多人際關係的問題（包括婚姻問題）都是因為性格不同，彼此不了解，又不知道如何「有創意的化解彼此的差異」。

「婚姻幸福美滿與否的關鍵不是《性格的差異度》，而是他們會不會''化解彼此之間的差異''」 我們透過明白及學習其他類型的「語言」和人建立關係。

「了解」能夠創造出「諒解」，透過九型讓我們的人際關係因為彼此了解，甚至可以用幽默的方式去化解衝突。

認識九型人格可以讓我們知道如何去幫助人。

［例］耶穌帶門徒就是「因材施教」。

［2，3，7，8］型的是比較「熱血沸騰」型的人，祂的方法就是幫他們'剎車一下'，讓他們冷靜下來⋯對他們說：'狐狸有洞，飛鳥有窩，人子沒有枕頭的地方'。［7］容易一下子就火熱，但會虎頭蛇尾，三分鐘熱度。

我們教會是「小組化」教會，「九型人格學」是每一個學習牧羊的同工不需修的科目，因為他們必須學習認識人，人是非常不同的，有的人你是需要幫他'煞車'，有的人需要你'推一把'所以我們透過這個課程他們就會知道怎樣去關心人，懂得怎樣「因材施教」。

認識九型人格學也能幫助我們有效而和諧的與人團隊。聖經用身體上的「肢體」形容我們每一個人，意思是說我們每一個人都有不同的功用。所以我們一定要「做回自己」。每一型的人都很精彩，都很不一樣，我們要「快樂的做自己」。

如， 全身是眼睛，哪裡可以看見呢？這叫做「恩賜投射」就是把自己的恩賜強壓在別人身上，希望別人和他們一樣。

我們每一個人都應該要按照上帝給你的功用去做。認識九型人格學可以減少很多同工關係的摩擦。有很多時候同工的摩擦不是「靈性」問題，而是「個性」的差異，「恩賜」不同而產生的！

當我們了解個性的差異，我們就能夠彼此互相欣賞，彼此互相接納！

九型人格是什麼？

我們有三樣東西

1. 情感，

2. 思想，

3. 意志

我們成長之道即在於要平衡發展這三個方面。

「心中心」- 「情感」是他們生命的主導。

「腦中心」- 「思想」是他們生命的主導。

「腹中心」- 「意志」是他們生命的主導。

九型人格學基本是把人先分成三大類，「心中心」，「腦中心」及「腹中心」，再根據「正，反，合」的原理分成「九型」。

「心中心」- ［2］［3］［4］型

［2］付出型 - 悲憫人者，助人者，給予者，全愛型。

［3］成就型 - 好勝者，追求成功者，地位尋求者，實踐者。

［4］追求個性型 - 感覺型，浪漫型，藝術型人物。

我們必須用情感和他們交流。

「腦中心」- ［5］［6］［7］型

［5］觀察型 - 觀察家，智慧型。

［6］謹慎型 - 行事謹慎者，質問型，尋求安全感。

［7］豐富型 - 樂觀開朗型，夢想家，享樂主義者，冒險

特別是［5］［6］型的人，我們一定要讓他們「多知道一些細節」他們才會有安全感。

「腹中心」- ［8］［9］［1］型

［8］保護型 - 支配者，領導者，主張者，能力型。

［9］和平型 - 調節者，媒介者。

［1］跟從原則型 - 追求完美，理想主義者。

他們是「行動」主導的人，所以我們一定要和他們一起行動！

九型人格體系的優點

1. 因為它能夠指出人背後隱藏的動機，能預測行為的產生。

2. 它能完全而精準地描述人類變化多端的人格。

     a) 了解人的「基本人格」

     b) 了解人的「側型」- 就是基本型左右的兩個性格。

     c) 了解各型「健康」及「惡化」的方向。

除非使用九型人格，否則將永遠難以正確解答人性之謎。

對性格的基本認識

1. 每個人都屬於九種類型之一

* 特別在人生重要關鍵時刻，影響你決定的，仍是你主要性格類型。

2. 沒有任何型態天生比其他好或壞。

* 每一型只要健康都很可愛，若不健康都很不可愛。

3. 人不會由某一「基本型態」變為另一種。（基本型=天生➕五歲前的環境影響，所以五歲前已經定型）

4. 對某一種人格類型的描述，並不全然用於某一個人，因為相同型的人會因許多因素而仍然有許多的不同。

學習認識性格型態幾個需要的規則

1. 要得著九型人格真正的精髓，必須從真實生活體驗裡去認識。

2. 蛻變是痛苦的過程，是不斷「放下自己」的過程，所謂「江山易改，本性難移」認識自己的性格型態不是最終的目的，我們必須願意改變，並求上帝不斷的施恩，上帝會給我們改變的動力和能力，單靠人性的努力終將白費。

3. 不要因某個特質相同就斷定自己是某個型的人。每一個人都可能因為成長的背景而產生所謂的「功能性」性格。

- 「功能性」性格不是這個人的「基本型」是因為他身處的環境，讓他某一種特質的性格特別的明顯，成為他「功能性」的性格。

4. 避免以自己所喜歡的人格類型來代替真正的類型，特別是那些原本不太喜歡自己性格人更應當留意。

5. 若有人得分每項差不多，看不出那類特別高分，只有兩個可能性，就是這人已經非常健康或根本未發展。

6. 不能成為推卸責任的藉口

7. 不要為別人貼標籤

如何確認你的類型

1. 須以「整體生活」作為藍本，「回顧自己成長過程的感受」。

- 五歲之前，你是怎麼活的？

- 你所重視的東西是什麼？

- 你最常做的事或最常有的感覺是什麼？

2. 注意你在困難中是如何反應的。

3. 找人幫你觀察你並誠實相告。

4. 做測驗

［1］最求完美的檢察官

- 容易看到人，事，物的缺點

- 要學習「笑看不完美」

- 就能夠「接受不完美」

- 該追求「卓越」，而不是「完美」

- 追求卓越的人雖然竭盡心力把每一件事做好，不同的事，他不會事事要求零缺點，他可以接受不完美，而且可以「慶祝」，欣賞自己的成果。

* 老鷹 -眼睛很銳利，很精準。

第一型人日常生活呈現出來的特質

1. 原則性很強

* 心中有一把尺（有一個標準）來評核自己，別人，甚至甚至社會的是非對錯。

* 注重公平，公正

* 對於不守規矩的人很不接納

* 他們希望別人照他們固定的模式生活

- 他們該學習尊重別人不同的做事方式及時間表，讓別人做他們自己。

- ［7］型人的人的天敵就是［1］型人

- 若［1］能欣賞［7］的點子和創意，［7］的人「使命必達」，「有始有終」讓［1］的人放心，他們其實是最佳拍檔。

2. 理性很強

3. 責任感很強

* 生產力很強

* 自我訓練強，自律性很強

* 覺得每一個人都應當自己為自己負責，所以他們很不喜歡別人搭便車，走捷徑，不腳踏實地。

* 很務實

- ［1］成長之道是要學習［7］的長處，懂得享受人生，享受過程，活在當下。

4. 完美心強

a）對現狀感到很多不滿有很多的怒火；學習笑看不完美

* 接受瑕疵

* 選擇看重關係，喜樂的氣氛，勝過整體清潔以及把事情做的完全。「你沒有辦法掌握你的《環境》，但是你可以掌握你的《心境》」快樂的秘訣就是「你可以選擇快樂」，你要把快樂的鑰匙握在自己的手中，不是別人的手中。我們的生命不是被基因，被童年，被環境來決定的，而是被我們的「選擇」決定的。不健康的［1］會「窮到只剩事情進行順利，卻失去了人與人之間的美善與柔和」！

- 所以當我們遇到事情的時候要先按 「暫停鍵」，求聖靈掌管你，讓你有正確的「反應」！選擇不要失去更多，放過錯誤」！

b）不要太會說甜言蜜語，比較會指出錯誤之處：［1］要知道，要改變一個人，用「愛，恩典，接納及鼓勵」比用「要求，責備及處罰」更有力量。因為上帝決定「用恩典和愛」來吸引我們，也成為我們改變的動力。

* ［1］學習認識恩典，給自己及他人多一點的恩典！［1］要享受「神兒女自由的榮耀」，而不是整天背負奴僕的軛！

c）別人做的事總是不放心，批評一番之後，自己又重新做，所以整天很忙碌。

d）進步對［1］是重要概念，常說「努力！努力！努力」！

e）常抱著「恨鐵不成鋼」的心態對周圍的人，所以［1］是九型人格裡面「最想要改變別人」的人。

f）當有人批評［1］「太愛批評」時，他們覺得不可思議，他們自認為只說出內心批評的十分之一而已。

5. 反省力很強

* 要常常講肯定他們的話，因為［1］太在意自己有沒有做好。

6. 道德感強 （以良心為引導）

* 是非分明，有正義感

7. 得體性很強

a）表現大方得體，不想製造尷尬場面，即使內心憤怒，也堅持表面和諧完美。

b）不懂幽默，沒有彈性。

c）肢體不柔軟，對別人的熱情，親熱很難接受，並且會批評別人沒有禮教。

8. 秩序性強

a）事事要求乾淨，清爽，有條不紊。

b）衣著很整齊，乾淨，並且一絲不苟。

c）家裡乾淨，有秩序，所有東西放在固定的地方，要求家人遵守規定。

以免收拾環境，一邊罵人，而且是嘮嘮叨叨唸個不停。

d）守時，守秩序，很細心，注重小節，讓人覺得吹毛求疵，［1］對兒女很多要求，包括坐姿，穿著等⋯

［1］可能的童年背景

1. 他的父母之一有可能就是［1］。

2. 很多［1］的是家裡面的長子或長女，所以從小就承擔責任和責備。

健康情況的［1］

1. 道德導師

2. 溫和的強者

3. 正人君子

不健康情況的［1］

1. 好責難的完美主義者（不批評自己，不承認自己有錯，都覺別人不好）

2. 不快樂的人

［1］要學習放鬆，否則會以為他們是不允許別人快樂的人。

［1］成長之路：往［7］最好的特質發展

學習樂觀，放鬆，晴朗，安詳，寧靜，不要那麼認真。

* 學習放鬆：

1. 得放下工作，有些事不一定立刻做，不要給自己太大壓力。

2. 安排玩樂成產力會更高：定期給自己「禮物」，獎勵自己，常對自己說「享受人生是正確的！有時候我們理當歡喜快樂！」

3. 學習交託：（太11:28）交託給耶穌。 凡事盡了本份後更讓事情自然發展，要學習放手，不去控制或限制生命。

4. 學習享受工作的「過程」，而不只是「成果」

5. 培養幽默感，多讀笑話，多看喜劇。

6. 有時作「想做的事」，而非「應該做的事」。

7. 參一個可以幫助你表達消極情緒（特別是憤怒）的小組或團體。

* 學習樂觀

1. 凡事看往好方面。［1］多做感恩的禱告，有助減少挑剔自己和別人的錯誤。

2. 學習笑看不完美。

- 接受瑕疵

- 選擇看重關係

- 不要失去更多，放過錯誤。

- 以信心相信上帝會接管你所交託予祂的事。

* 學習尊重

* 學習忍耐

如何與［1］相處？

1. 感謝他們給你在人際關係中的道德觀，高標準，堅定和安全感

2. 你必須用理性跟合乎邏輯的方法跟他們溝通

3. 說話直接了當，真誠，不要轉彎抹角

4. 當指出他們錯的時候要小心，最好你先承認自己也有錯，這樣他們比較容易接受。

5. 常指出他們本身及周圍很多正面的事，如果配偶有幽默感可以化解［1］消極情緒，那麼會更好，所以［1］的人跟［7］配搭是很不錯的。

6. 告訴他們讚美及鼓勵比批評對你來的更好，鼓勵的魅力勝過批評。

7. 承認錯誤，［1］特別喜歡別人懂得認罪悔改。

8. 做好份內事，井然有序，準時完成，要負責任，守規矩。

9. 鼓勵他們排出時間放鬆自己跟享樂，甚至幫他們安排時間或強迫帶他們去度假，［1］安排離家，工作場合時會變得很快樂。

［2］付出型

- 主要的特徵，就是「付出容易，收受不自然，不習慣並且很難講出自己的需要」

- 不習慣被照顧，不太習慣被同情

- ［2］健康之道在於「知道及相信在上帝眼中有無與倫比的價值」，知道「我的價值不是建立在我很強及我有能力付出上面」！

- 被稱為「成就他人」型，「付出型」，「助人者」，「古道熱腸型」，「全愛型」

- 是最讓人覺得溫暖，有愛心的人。

［2］要學的功課： 真正屬靈的人，是願意給並且能坦然接受別人給你的人！

［2］錯誤觀念： 認為「如果我有需要，不貢獻，我就是一個沒有用的人」

［2］成長之道在於需要注意兩個問題

* 注意給的動機

- ［2］最大盲點，就是以為他們的付出是不要求回報的。

- ［2］付出確實不要求「利益」的回報，但他們要求的是「關係，愛，情感及感激」的回報！

- 他們渴求親密感並渴望與人親密的連結，害怕孤獨與害怕不被喜愛。

- 有人說不健康［2］人是「害怕不被愛而投注於花生命來使別人愛他們的人」。

- 他們的愛裡面有很多的「懼怕」

- 他們會落入「被人剝削，快樂身不由己，被人掌控。」

- ［2］對人付出的目的是希望得到人的親密關係，這會讓人感到「窒息的愛」。

- ［2］希望別人享受他的付出，但是卻可能成為別人的壓力。

- ［2］還有另個動機，就是他們渴望被感激，被重視，在給的當中能夠覺得自己有價值，被重視。

所以［2］健康之道在於「知道及相信在上帝眼中有無與倫比的價值」，知道「我的價值不是建立在我很強及我有能力付出上面」！

- ［2］往往在不被感激，重視或者別人把他們的付出視為理所當然的時候，就是他最危機的時刻，他們心中會產生強烈的空虛和孤獨感，甚至會覺得自己被利用而生出苦毒來！

- 所以［2］要往［4］最好的特質發展 —「最注意照顧自己情感」的人。

- ［2］要多「注意照顧自己的情感」，要多多「發展自己」，而不是一直犧牲自己，要多發展自己興趣及專長！

- ［2］也渴望被需要甚至被依賴，給他們一種「偉大感」，因此［2］需要知道「真正愛一個人應該是要讓他能獨立自主」

- ［2］若與殘缺者談戀愛時要小心分辨：是「愛情」還是「同情」

- ［2］的人會找比較軟弱的人談戀愛，因為他們才有發揮「救世主精神」的機會。這是很危險的動機，幸福婚姻雙方必須建立在「平等的地位」上，若是從照顧對方的立場來結合，最後一定會變質，會變成掌控。

- ［2］要活得健康，必須「無條件的付出」，把你能夠付出當成是上帝給你的「恩賜與使命」，而不要把付出當成「得著關係，價值感」的手段。

* 注意界線問題

- 「擔子」是指每一天「應盡的責任」，「重擔」是指「過重的負荷」。

1）沒有界線

- 就是不能說「不」，不容易拒絕別人，別人的擔子你幫他擔。

- 這也是今日父母的寫照，因為沒有界線，為兒女做過多的事，以至讓兒女失去成長的機會！

- 要讓人學習責任感，就必須要和他們「立下界線」，最難做到的是「讓他經歷其後果」

- ［2］要知道你是個有限的人，所以很多時候幫助別人時，對方一定要做他該做的部分。上帝對我們也是這樣，如果你不做你該做的部分，上帝也不幫你做的！

- 第二個錯誤是「必須你來做的事你卻要上帝幫你做」

2）侵犯界線

- 就是「不能被別人拒絕」，「不能不聽」

- 他們有可能有「驕傲」的問題，要留意。

［2］可能有幾種驕傲

1. 認為他們最有愛心

2. 心中會說：「你看，如果不是我，你今天就完蛋了！」

3. 對人說：「你不知道你需要什麼，我比你更知道你需要什麼」！

* 單顧己事

- 不能說「是」。應當記念主耶穌基督的話說：「施比受更為有福」

* 不願意敞開

- 不能聽「是」。自己有重擔卻不願意敞開。

［2］日常生活呈現出來的特質

* 熱情洋溢，樂於助人

1. 很懂得感激別人，很熱情地對待人，對人很好，做人誠懇又溫暖，而且很大方，慷慨，有耐心，典型的「好好先生」和「好好小姐」

2. 心地慈悲願意貢獻自己所有施予別人，服務別人時會廢寢忘食不覺得累，反而很興奮。但會對別人太投入，以至自己應負的責任會忽略。［2］須注意生命「次序」的問題，要把「上帝」擺在「第一位」，很多［2］甚至會把與神親近，給神的時間拿去幫助別人。［2］不要像「馬大」。［2］非要注意生命次序問題。

3. 把他們所愛，所幫助的人的成功，快樂以及幸福，都看成是自己的成就。

4. 以為別人需要就拼命地給，別人拒絕的時候還以為是客氣。［2］要留意，許多時候你的愛心有可能變成別人的「負擔」！［2］要等別人開口時你再幫助他，這樣可能比較有效果呢！

5. 喜歡別人依賴自己，因為依賴就是一種被重視，那是一種幸福的感覺。

6. 付出的時候，別人若不欣喜接納則會有錯折感。

7. ［2］幫不了別人的時候，心中會很痛苦，然後會在想辦法，設法幫上忙！

* 佔有慾

* 防衛機制：「個人需要的壓抑」

* 脆弱處：沒有自己，不認識自己的存在，為別人的需要而活。

［2］可能的童年背景

* 可能是家裡的老大。扮演「小爸爸」或「小媽媽」來照顧家人。

* 成長過程中發現，當他們表達說：「我需要你們注意我，我希望你們關心我，我希望你們愛我。」沒有人理他。但是當他們開始去「付出」的時候，父母就會注意到並且誇獎他們。慢慢養成一種習慣：透過「付出」得到他渴望得到的愛和關心。

若遇到像這樣的小孩，就應該告訴他們：「沒有關係！你不用幫阿姨的忙，阿姨就很喜歡你了。」

［2］的健康之道在於，把你能「付出」當作是上帝給你恩賜。

健康情況的［2］

* 細心，溫暖： 很敏銳人的需要

* 自然的奉獻和付出

* 包容性強 （九型人格對人的包容度最高的就是［2］+［9］

不健康狀況的［2］

* 控制，佔有

1. 感情上佔有欲很強，會追著別人跑，請別人接受給予，但不回報的時候會殺人。

2. 固執以自己的方式，不管別人是否需要。如果你拒絕的時候，他們會控告你的良心。

3. 因為並非無條件地給予，當得不到預期的回報時會生氣。

* 好管閒事：容易干涉別人，容易說出別人的隱私。

* 可能為了討好別人，而講一些比較好聽的話，甚至是一些奉承，拍馬屁的巧言。

［2］成長之道—往［4］最好的特質發展

1. 多去滿足自己的需要，你才會更有力量幫助別人。要多注意自己的成長，裡面的喜樂。

2. 學習「得」：那個是真謙卑。原因跟別人分享自己的軟弱跟創傷，讓別人可以伸出援手。

3. 當你覺得他人的要求過分的時候可以拒絕。

4. 不要為了討好別人而把自己的感受壓下來：可以表達自己的意見及感受。

5. 注意自己家人的需要和滿足。

6. 發現別人真正的需要。

7. 讓人學習承擔自己的責任。

如何與［2］相處？

1. 感謝他們的熱心，寬大，洞察力，常對他們知道你的需要感到感激。並且一再的謝謝他們，切記感激要浪漫一點。

2. 一再向其保證他對你有特別的意義，位置。

3. 謹慎地跟他討論你們彼此的界線。

4. 當他們過了界線的時候，你要跟他們討論說「對不起，我覺得你的愛有點讓我喘不過氣來。」但你還是要保證：「我還是很喜歡你，我不是不喜歡你，但是我希望你給我一點空間。」談戀愛更要注意這個問題。拒絕時，要讓他們知道你不是不喜歡他們。

5. 給他們空間：過度被需要時是會令人窒息，所以需要空間讓其重新得力。［2］常會招惹別人讓人不給他們空間。

6. 不要問他們需要什麼，只管為他們做些事情。

7. 當你想要為他們做某件事的時候，告訴他們這樣做會讓你覺得快樂，這就是叫做「用他們的語言」來和他們對話。

8. 直接鼓勵他們誠懇說出他們的需要：鼓勵他們接受別人的幫助，他們請求幫助時會感到困窘，鼓勵他們不一定要付出，試著去體會「白白的恩典」

9. 和他們一起開會或講話時，要給他們更多的身體語言，因為他們會很在意你是不是很接納他們。

［3］追求成功的形象先鋒

- 為人動機及動力在於「成為別人稱羨的對象」

- 希望成為別人「稱讚，羨慕」的對象

- 非常在意「別人對他們的看法」

- 得救之道在於「敬畏上帝」：就是「不要只在意別人怎麼看你，更要在意上帝怎麼看你」。

- 如果一個人只在意別人怎麼看他，而不在意神怎麼看他，他就一定會活在「虛假」當中。

- 稱為「成就型」，「奮進型」，「強烈的企圖型」，「形象先鋒」

- ［3］如果健康，會成為「最卓越，最有效率」的實踐者。

［3］的優點

我們的人生有兩件事是很重要的，一個是「態度」，一個是「價值觀」

「態度決定你的高度」，「態度決定一切」(Attitude is everything) 

* 高能量

- ［3］最高能量的人。

- 若用「能量」來分九型：

［3］，［7］，［8］的人是「高能量」；

［1］，［2］，［6］的人是「中能量」；

［4］，［5］，［9］的人是「低能量」。

若是低能量的人怎麼辦？

1. 雖然是「低能量」的人卻可以是「高產值」的人。

2. 當人找到神在他身上的使命時，他的生命會越來越有動力，他的能量就會往上升。

［3］最不好的情況就是當他們遇到挫折時，可能會往［9］最不好的特質發展，就是「凍結能量」。

* 大格局

- 就是有「旺盛的企圖心」，九型裡面最有「旺盛企圖心」的人是［8］，而［3］也是如此，這是我們需要學習的。「渴望為什做大事」是我們需要學習的。有句話說：「你的格局會決定你的結局」，「擴大你的視野」，「雅比斯的禱告」-求主擴大我的境界。

* 主動，積極

- ［3］，［7］，［8］都比較主動型的。

- 主動的人他們的機會會比別人更多。

- 主動的人有什麼好處？

1. 他們學習的機會會比別人多。

2. 他們成功的機會也會比別人多。

有人說：「第一種人是主動去［創造機會］的人，也是最成功的人；第二種人是［抓住機會］的人；第三種人是［等待機會］的人；而失敗的就是［錯失機會］的人。」

* 積極正面

- 一個人思想「正面」或「負面」，也是成功與否的關鍵因素。

- 負面思考的人總是在「機會」中看見「問題」；正面思考的人則在「問題」中看到「機會」。

基督徒應當學習成為一個「常常數算上帝恩典」的人。

［3］往往有一個缺點，就是他們常常「報喜不報憂」，容易「灌水」，誇大他們所做的「豐功偉業」。

* 很有毅力

- 有人用兩種動物代表［3］。第一個動物是「孔雀」，因［3］愛「表現自己」，但這也成了他們的致命傷！

- 渴望「別人的欣賞」是［3］的人生動力，也成為他們的致命傷！

- 另一種動物代表［3］是「小強」。許多［3］真的是「打不死的蟑螂」！

［3］日常生活中呈現出來的特質

* 全力最求成功的人生

a）他們對成功的定義是「被人推崇，接納，羨慕，被社會認為有價值」，［3］行事為人的動機及動力在於「成為別人稱羨的對象」

- ［3］難講出他自己失敗，軟弱，負面的東西。

- 不健康［3］因為在意別人對他們的看法，所以特別在他們失敗的時候，會活在「自欺欺人」的光景：「打腫臉皮充胖子」，甚至會活在「虛假」及「欺騙」中。

- ［3］得救之道在於「敬畏上帝」：就是「不要在意別人怎麼看你，要更在意上帝怎麼看你」。

- 他們會注重 追求名，利，地位。

- 很多［3］的人不管他們在怎麼樣的環境，他們都可能追求的就是：在那個環境中的人認為有價值的事物。

- ［3］有許多正面的「態度」值得我們學習，而［3］最大的危機，就是會有「錯誤的價值觀」，所以［3］最需要學習的就是「調整你的價值觀」，重新定義成功。

- 另外要提到特別針對［3］應當強調的幾種成功！

1. 「品格的成功」才是真正的成功。你能夠留下來讓人記念的就是你的「品格」。

2. 「關係的成功」：［3］若能把關係的成功包含在他成功的定義，他才會朝健康的方向發展。「所有的人在臨終前會遺憾的是和家人在一起的時間不夠多，從來沒有一個人遺憾的是他在辦公室的時間不夠多。」

3. 幫助別人成功： ［3］健康之道在於往［6］最好的特質發展，［6］很「注意團體」及「委身團體」。［3］把別人的成功當成你的成功。

- ［3］成長之道就在於：「改變你對成功的價值觀」。

- 真正愛你的人，是那些「用愛心說誠實話」的人。

b）把成功當作生命的全部

- 為了成功努力不懈

c）情感不太能夠絆住他們

- 要成功就不能讓負面的情感絆住。

- 「心」中心，他們以「情感」為中心的「正，反，合」三種反應的三個型。［2］［3］［4］都以情感為主導，但他們有不同的發展：［2］的人-「情感過度發展」的人（正），［3］的人走到另一個極端- 為了成功而「遠離情感」（反），［4］則是中間一點- 「情感發展不足」（合）

- ［3］也是情感豐富的人，但是他們為了追求成功而隱藏和遠離他們負面的情感。

- 九型人格中有兩個型的人不表達「負面」的情感： ［3］+［7］的人。［7］是因為「不喜歡不快樂的場合和氣氛」［7］的人要相信：「許多時候反而在哀慟，悲傷的場合，反而是我們生命最有［深刻學習］的地方。」

- ［3］怕負面情緒影響別人對他們的看法。要認出［3］和［7］的人是較容易的，［7］特徵就是「常常講笑話」；［3］常「講自己的豐功偉業」。

- ［3］人際關係，就是很善於「社交」，但是不善於「深交」。

* 自我推銷：有「自戀」的傾向

1. 在意別人面前的表現，也為了能夠博得別人的評價，經常卯足全力表現自己。

2. ［3］常誇耀自己的好，自己做每一件事都很棒自我膨脹的很厲害，喜歡談成功面，很棒的一面。

3. ［3］逢人就推銷自己，廣告自己，替自己增加知名度。

4. 常拿一些大人物，名人的名字和自己連在一起，表示自己交友廣闊，有辦法，好讓人稱羨他們。

5. ［3］有嘴巴吹噓，少耳朵傾聽，總是把自己虛誇得意忘形，忘了別人也有心聲。

6. ［3］喜歡當主角，希望得到別人的注意力，［3］+［8］都需要舞台。

7. ［3］看重形象，看重形式重於實資。

8. ［3］最怕及逃避的情結就是：「失敗，別人拒絕，不尊重」。「承認無能」對他們而言是一大恥辱。

* 不斷競爭： ［3］喜歡和別人比較，不斷競爭，想要贏都是他們的特點。

［3］可能的童年背景

* 有些［3］從小就不知覺有個觀念：唯有成功和成就的人才會得到愛，光是做自己是不夠得到愛的。他們小時候放學回家，家長關心的問題是他們在學校的成績和表現，對於他們和同學的相處不聞不問，也不關心他們的感覺，父母只會按成績的好壞和有沒有成就去獎賞或懲罰。「只有成功和有成就的人才得到愛」的價值觀。

* 有些［3］可能在成長過程中，接收到極度強調成功的信息，有可能他們出生在比較貧困的家庭，甚至他的父母從小就告訴他：「我們家就靠你出人頭地！光宗耀祖了！」

健康情況的［3］

1. 自我接受：不在意別人看他，只注意上帝怎麼看他們

2. 充滿自信

3. 動機者： 能鼓勵別人效法自己

4. 踏實的目標：不追求快速成功

不健康情況的［3］

1. 只重效率忽略過程，重量不重資，重事不重人。

2. 為了達到目的不擇手段，會犧牲朋友，家人，變成忽略家庭的工作狂。

3. 虛偽，好競爭，勢利眼。

［3］成長之道：要往［6］最好特質發展

* 不要只求自己的成功，也重視他人的成功；不要只注意自己被注意和欣賞，也要注意和欣賞別人。記住！你能夠激勵別人，別再自私自利，別把別人當做成功的踏腳石，不要利用別人。

* 在人際關係中發展人恕寬厚與合作，你會成為一個更可愛，可靠的朋友。

* 不要突顯自己：要知道每個人都不同，要謙卑，不要自我膨脹。（腓2:3-4） 要脫離「得人欣賞」的綑綁，脫離想在別人心目中留下深刻印象，而膨脹自己的重要性。真正讓人留下好印象的是真實，而非自誇。

* 信任別人：「用愛心說誠實話」（弗4:15）

* 追求真正的成功：就是關係，品格及幫助人成功。

1. 交友不要問「這人有沒有利用價值？是不是有地位？是成功的人？」重點該放在對方的「生命」多於「價值」。

2. 常對自己說：「我要記得人生最重要的不是事業」

3. 停止「表演」，注重個人內含多於所做的，多留意內心真正的感受，做真正的自己。

* 接受失敗： 把失敗當成反省的好機會，人往往失敗的時候才注意神，注意與人的關係及內在的成長。

如何與［3］相處？

1. 讚美他們的成功，卓越，自信，樂觀，效率及無限的精力。

2. 了解他們若沒有生產力會生病，成功是他們的滋味，當他們忙碌時不要打擾他們，如果需要的話，從事自己有興趣的事。

3. 了解他們對人際關係付出的方式就是努力與勸勉。他們不易表達真正的關心，而以為別人做事來表達。讓他們知道你在乎的是他們的真我，而不是成就，而且感覺到脆弱時沒有關係的。所以讚美他們時不要單獨強調他們的成就。

4. 不要光向他們提出負面的問題或工作上的困難，而沒有設想解決的方案。當你希望他們改變作風，或是思考其他方案時，最有效的方法便是告訴他們：「這樣做可能有助於你獲得更好的結果」。

5. 儘量不要用感性或哭訴的方式和他溝通，最好以「解決問題為前提」的態度講通！

6. 過度的批評他們只會讓他們為了討好你，順應你而矯情的改變，所以真正改變他們，應該是去愛他們，設法讓他們去探索自己真正的感覺。

7. 鼓勵他們培養內心的生活，探索他們的存在，真我！

8. 鼓勵他們與人發展親密友誼。

9. 要懂得在人面前尊重他，不要讓他認為你破壞他的形象。

［4］感覺型

- 他們生命中的心就是「感覺」

- 他們很注意情感

- 最能夠提升生命，活著最認真，真實的人。

- 他們追求深度的生命和人生

- 很多［4］從小就問：「到底人活著做什麼？」

- 往往對哲學，文學和靈性的追求有興趣。

- ［4］會花時間在尋求活下去的勇氣

- 九種性格中，［4］活得比較辛苦的人，但是他們的人生也可以活得最精彩！

- 「追求獨特型」，「追求個性型」，「浪漫型」

- ［4］是「很有個性」，他們常很有自己的想法。

- 如果健康的話，他們是為生命增添色彩的人！［4］是「描述內心世界的高手」，他們能把人深刻的情感勾勒出來。

- ［4］的藝術是為了「表達自己」，其他型的藝術可能只是一種興趣而已。

我相信每一個型的人只要健康都會成為很好的領袖，只是他們的風格各有不同。

我們從大衛身上看見兩件事情可以幫助［4］成為健康的人：

* 和「上帝建立親密關係」。只有上帝能夠滿足我們每一個人情感的需要，也只有祂最能夠請聽我們的心聲，而不會厭倦，而且只有祂最了解我們，最能安慰我們。（歌：全新的你）。在耶穌基督裡面有一個盼望：就是我們可以「改變過去」！ 也許你把上帝對你生命的「A計畫」搞砸了，但是只要你願意回到上帝的面前，上帝會給你的人生一個全新的「B計畫」， 耶穌能夠使我們過去所有不好的經歷，不再是我們的負債，反而成為我們的資產。

* 有強烈的使命感： 「因著和上帝有親密的關係及因著知道上帝對他的一生有美好的計畫，讓大衛總是能在生命的低谷中死裡復活」。［4］一旦有了使命，就比較不會任著自己的個性去活，他的意志力會戰勝他的情感！

［4］的人可能的童年背景

許多［4］的人有「失落或被遺棄的經歷」，他們的人際關係往往是「若即若離」

* 他們害怕受傷

- 上帝的面前處理「被遺棄」的傷害，否則這種怕受傷的不安全感會影響他們人際關係的健全發展。

- 很多［4］往往對三種人，事，物很有感覺：

1. 對得不到

2. 對失去的

3. 對別人的

- 所以［4］的人當學習更多「為自己現在擁有的」感恩。

- ［4］的人內心是很熱情，很多情的，但是，一定要靠著上帝醫治釋放「被遺棄」的傷害，才能有美好的人際關係。

［4］日常生活呈現出來的特質

* 落入凡間的精靈

- 第一種發展： 很努力的和這個世界融合在一起，因為「人在江湖，身不由己」。這樣的［4］會比較務實一點，對［4］也是好的。［4］和［1］是兩組很不同的性格

［1］很「務實」；［4］很「浪漫」

［1］很「理性」；［4］很「感性」

［1］很「自律」；［4］很「任性」

［1］自我要求很嚴格，是「做該做的事情 」；［4］是「做想做的事情」

所以［4］健康之道就是學習［1］的務實，理性，自律。

- 第二種發展：就是「特立不群」，保持［4］原汁原味，藝術家的路線。

［4］可能要先求「生存」再求「理想」的實現會更實際一點。

* 很注意自己的忠於自己的感受

- 他們很誠懇，真實的表達自己的情感，他們喜歡表露真我，追求真我，不斷的自我探索⋯⋯，往往需要很長的時間抒發才能滿足。

- ［4］最需要的愛之語是「精心的時刻」，給他們時間並聽他們的心情和感受。

- 喜歡感情的交流，不喜歡表面的應酬。

- ［4］的人相處有個原則是很重要的：「傾聽就是愛，了解中有醫治」

女人痛苦的時候，她們療傷的方式是透過「傾訴」；而男人療傷的方式是藉著「躲山洞」，這是男女雙方的差異。

- ［4］健康之道在於他們必須注意：我們的生命不應該只由「情感」來主導，上帝讓我們人裡面不只有「情感」，還有「思想」和「意志」，一個健康的人就是他的生命裡面這三方面能平衡發展。

［4］如何在情感，思想及意志上成長呢？

a）「情感」要得醫治： 

- 所謂「過邀反應」顧名思義就是「過度激動的反應」

b）「思想」上相信，順服真理：

- 「發洩情緒」不能使人得自由，只有「聖經的真理」才能使人得著真正的自由。

- 第二個聖經真理能給我們動力饒恕那些傷害我們的人，就是「我們相信過去的不幸因著上帝的愛和全能能成為我們的祝福」

- 所以選擇「相信，順服真理」，而不是「相信，順服你的感覺」是［4］很重要的功課。

c）［4］要在「意志」上學習順服「真理」，順服「紀律」，「制度」及權柄者。

- ［4］常「不按牌理出牌」，常不願意照著「規律」來做事。

- 很多［4］很排斥「規矩」。

- 自由是去做「必須」做的事，而非做「自己高興」做的事。

- 最自由的人就是「上帝給你有力量去做上帝要你去做的事情」

- ［4］反而必須願意被「責任」把你綁住一點，才會更成長，更成熟。

- 「愛不是［短暫的感覺］，而是［意志的抉擇］。」

- 聖經中所說的「愛」，是一種「意志的愛」，是無條件接納的愛。愛不是「短暫的感覺」，而是「意志的抉擇」。

- 「深刻的情感」是［4］精神的支柱，所以［4］會藉著藝術創作，把自己深刻的情感表達出來。

* 浪漫

1. 希望有戲劇般的人生，可望享受感覺⋯⋯

2. 常被生活中的多樣化及不尋常的東西吸引，活得飄忽⋯⋯

3. 喜歡下雨天和陰天，因為比較符合他們的心情。

4. 他們甚至會憧憬死亡來臨，喜歡想像死亡時的情景。［4］把死亡美化了！

5. 常說一些抽象，幻夢的比喻，讓別人聽不懂他的話，這是很多［4］的痛苦。

* 細膩，敏感，脆弱

1. 情感深刻，深刻體會人生面面觀，［4］做輔導諮商是很合適的，因為很能明白別人的心境。

2. 很真，很坦白，可以說自己不風光，不體面，軟弱和矛盾的心情。［4］反而應當更多注視神的恩典，學習更多為自己現在所擁有的感恩。

3. 他們因為感受自己的不同，就覺得自己的需求該以不尋常的方式滿足，所以以自己的方式，進度來做事，或乾脆都不做的自由感到驕傲。［4］成功之道就是要學習「平凡中就出手」真正的自由不是「我想做才做」，而是能夠去做「必須做的事」。

4. 由於心思細膩，又喜愛自我探索，［4］多數內向，甚至有冷漠，高傲的樣子。

5. ［4］常過分敏感，常把別人無意的批評或是閒言閒語放在心內，造成情緒上不必要的困擾。

6. 有些［4］在自我否定的情況下離開人群，封閉在自我的世界裡面，開始責怪自己，憎恨自己，否定自己，所以［4］要留意：不要落入「有毒的羞恥感」中，也就是不要落入「魔鬼的控告」或者「自我控告」中。

7. 有些［4］情緒低落時，好像身處黑洞中，要盡量遠離人群，把自己困在密室裡，不與外界接觸，令他們深陷困境，不能自拔，加上他們不願意接受外界任何幫助（不希望別人同情他們），呆在封閉的空間裡胡思亂想，沈溺在沮喪的情緒中，情況會相當糟糕。

8. ［4］遇見憂傷的事情，痛苦會比別人久，復原的過程也會比較緩慢。

* 渴望與眾不同

1. 不喜歡別人告訴他們怎麼做，做什麼，不願被大眾牽著鼻子走，他們有「遠離主流文化」的傾向，討厭庸俗，不甘平凡，不模仿，不抄襲，獨具卓見。

2. 他們不喜歡死板和公式化的工作。

3. 常不接納自己，覺得自己有太多的缺點，只看見別人所有的，以及自己沒有的。［4］的人在他們裡面常常又有「優越感」，又有「自卑感」。所以［4］不要覺得自己要和別人不一樣，不一樣就代表你比較優越，每一個人在神面前都是獨特的，不需要顯出自己的獨特；另一面，［4］也要常常看自己所有的，為自己所有的感恩。

健康狀況的［4］

1. 靈思泉湧：［4］ 只要能夠有好的訓練，他們可以把潛意識的脈動與很內在的東西轉換成藝術性，啟發性，心靈性的作品。

2. 感覺敏銳纖細，內心世界豐富，擁有理解細膩感情的共鳴能力，所以他們能夠成為別人所能依賴的船錨。

3. 想像力豐富：創意十足，並且以自己的方式表達出自己的內涵。

4. 愛好藝術及一切美好的事物，可在藝術及音樂領域內充分發揮。

不健康情況的［4］

1. 十分自我中心

2. 情緒化，情感脆弱，容易受傷，過分敏感，多疑，較難相處。

3. 自卑又自大

4. 脫離現實

5. 善妒： 妒忌別人快樂，自在，能表達自己及才能，常不容易與人合作，常與人比較，因此不開心，而忽略好好工作所帶來的成就感和快樂。

［4］成長之道—往［1］最好的特質—發展有情感的行動

* 在教牧人員幫助下，處理小時候被遺棄的記憶

* 不要緬懷過去和幻想明天，學習活在今天，此時此刻！不要為自己過去悔恨。

* ［4］最大錯誤之一是「把自己和自己的感覺劃上等號」要注意「你的感覺不就是你，你的感覺只是在某個特定的時刻的你而已」！

* 嘗試客觀的思想，不要感情用事！學習［1］的「客觀」與有「原則」，從「主觀」世界移動到「客觀」世界，依「信念」和「原則」做事，而不依「情緒」做事。

* 情緒低落時不要呆在家裡，出外走走或找個朋友傾訴。有人說：「治療憂鬱最好的方法，就是不要單獨憂慮。」

* 藉著藝術及運動表達自己的情緒。

* 列舉一些感謝的事張貼在顯眼的地方，提醒自己不要把注意力放在失去的東西，以致忘記了所擁有的。寫下上帝給你的恩賜才能。

* 健康的自我訓練：如：規律的工作，睡眠，運動等，這些與自由，創意無衝突。

* 道成肉身：務實，有行動力及責任感。

1. 要知道好好活每一天，神量給我們的責任就是不平凡。偉大的事是由許多日積月累的事完成的。

2. 要求自己做生產性，有意義的工作，那對你和別人都有好處，不管那貢獻多少。活在現實的世界中，那將會豐富你，讓你發現你自己，在空虛中你不可能發現自己，所以永遠活在真實世界中！與其花時間想像你的人生，不如開始實際去體驗。

3. 避免等待「適當的心情」而拖延事情：自尊與自信只有在正面的經驗中，務實的行動，才能發展（學［1］做應該做的事）。真正的自由是做「必須」做的事，而非自己高興做的是你！要有勇氣停止：「拖延自己」的生活！

* 把面對憂鬱的能量化成為別人憂心的能量。去愛別人才會發現自己是誰，因上帝造人，每個人都有他的角色。有一［4］向上帝禱告說：「上帝啊！求你幫助我，從現在開始，我的眼淚不再為自己流，而要為別人而流」當我們開始去關心別人的時候，我們就比較不會把注意力放在自己的身上，他裡面的傷害就會得醫治。

* 把所得到美感及創造力於社會及日常生活中：發揮創作和藝術的天份，嘗試在日常工作運用創作力，令公式和呆板的變為活潑和充滿新意。

* 如果你的職業不能發展興趣，可以運用餘暇去發展興趣和天份。

* 另外多參加社區活動，有助減少羞怯，且發現自己美好的一面。

* 不用追求與別人不同，我們本就是神造的，就是獨一無二的，你所需要的不是如何與人不同，而是如何完成神給你獨特的使命，且有時與人看齊不一定不好。

如何與［4］相處？

1. 欣賞她們的創造力，理解力，感受力和理想主義，真實性及美感。

2. 稱讚他們，特別是當他們能發揮自己的特質而有所貢獻時，因為他們是極容易有負面情緒且容易否定自我的人。

3. 向他們保證你不會遺棄他們，你關心他們並且願意支持他們。

4. 不要逼他們參加太多社交

5. 不要批評他們太敏感

6. 接納並承認他們真實的感受。

7. 感覺對他們而言是最重要的，與他們講通一定重視他們的感覺如何。

8. 不要老是以理性來要求他們，評斷他們，雖然他們有時講話較「抽象」，但是他們講的東西往往很有「深遠的看見」，所以聽聽他們的「直覺」，可能會開啟你不同的視野。

9. 鼓勵他們享受現有的生活，要有創造力與生產力（透過寫作，藝術，音樂，舞蹈等），並把他們的工作發揚到各地去。

10. 與他們相處時要真心相待，不要刻意奉承，他們最討厭偽君子。

11. 在他們心情不好時和他們討論工作，你最好首先關心他發生什麼事，先安慰及舒緩他們的情緒，如真心關心好朋友一樣，然後才討論工作，他才會有心情與你一同處理問題，即先面對「心情」再面對「事情」。但切忌虛偽的關心。

12. 批評他們時會帶給他們的不是忿怒，而是羞恥，以致消沈，隔離，變成活死人，所以要說他們時不可以太粗糙，氣氛，語言要對勁。

［5］觀察家

* ［5］相信「知識就是力量」，甚至他們相信「知識就是一切」

* 以為人生要靠「知識」，靠「理性」就夠了。

* 必須知道：雖然「知識」的確是力量，但是「知識不是一切」。

* 許多時候「情感」是很重要的，我們需要用「情感」和人交往，要勇敢表達自己的「情感」。

* 「敏銳的觀察力」，「理解分析的旁觀者」叫做「抽離」

* 他們善於運用他們觀察綜合分析的能力，鑑往知來，分析未來的情勢，他們往往很有強的「先知性的洞察力」。

* ［5］的人往往就是靠他們敏銳的觀察力成功。

* ［5］還有一個成功的特點，就是他們是「專注力很強」的人。

* ［5］如果健康，他們會成為「化知識為力量的先驅」

* 他們是「思想的巨人」，卻是「行動，社交及情感」的侏儒。

* ［5］有三方面的弱點需要突破：

a）行動的侏儒： 行動力不足

- 九型人格裡面「最內向，最內斂」甚至有點孤僻的就是［4］+［5］

- ［5］是「思想的巨人，行動的侏儒」，［4］就是「情感的巨人，行動的侏儒」，所以［4］+［5］都需要「道成肉身」。

- ［4］要發展「有情感的行動」，［5］要發展「有思想的行動」。

- ［5］需要學習［8］行動力。

b）情感的侏儒： 情感完全封閉，完全以理性為做人做事的依歸。

- 許多［5］有最大的問題，就是他們不但相信「知識就是力量」，甚至他們相信「知識就是一切」，以為人生只要靠「知識」，靠「理性」就夠了。

- ［5］必須知道「知識」的確是力量，但是「知識不是一切」。

c）關係的侏儒：相信社交無用論

- ［2］透過「付出」得著肯定和喜愛，［3］透過「成就」得著肯定和喜愛，［4］透過他們的「獨特」得著肯定和喜愛。

- 「腦中心」的［5］［6］［7］的人，共同關注點是「安全感和焦慮」的問題。［5］透過「自給自足」，「自己蒐集和分析資料」來面對「安全感和焦慮」的問題。

- ［5］如果不健康會罹患「被害妄想症」。

* ［5］因為覺得這個世界充滿「焦慮和恐懼」，所以他過著「極簡主義」的生活。這樣他就不需要依賴別人，因為依賴別人代表一種潛在的危機。

* ［5］藉著「自己收集，分析資料」來得著安全感。

* ［5］透過「自給自足」來面對「安全感和焦慮」的問題，［6］透過「依附團體和權威」來面對「安全感和焦慮」的問題，［7］透過「不停的活動」來逃避他們的問題和焦慮。

* 「腦中心」的「正，反，合」

- ［5］的人是「行動不足」（合）

- ［6］的人是「遠離行動」（正）

- ［7］的人是「過度行動」（反）

［5］的人日常生活呈現的特質

a）「思想的巨人，行動的侏儒」

* 觀察力，分析力及專注力強：

1. 以事實為導向的觀察家，總是把心思集中在外在的世界，「客觀性」是他們追求的目標。代表動物「貓頭鷹」

2. 洞察力比常人更勝一籌，除了科學家，哲學家是［5］之外，很多的「偵探」也可能是［5］的人。

3. 會是「存在心裡，反覆思想」的人。

4. 不會人云亦云，是很有主見的人，對自己的決定，自己的信念很執著。

5. 喜歡事情有清楚的界限，協議必須清楚，工作範圍和要負責的責任都要清楚界定。

* 行動力不夠：

- 但是一旦他們決定去做，就會很堅定地去做。

b）「思想的巨人，社交的侏儒」

1. 不善於社交，因為大部分的社交場合都很「膚淺」，談話沒有深度，［5］不喜歡與人哈啦。

2. 由於他們的情緒很難處理，所以他們很需要「私人空間」，否則會枯竭及焦慮。社交活動與人交往會失去這些空間，他們非常需要獨處的時間。

3. 沈默寡言，好像不會關心別人似的，冷漠害羞想要跟他們交朋友，卻好像打不進他們的世界裡，但當你有事情請教時，他們會仔細傾聽並將事情鉅細靡遺地分析得很清楚。

4. 當他們的立論被人攻擊或質疑時，反應就很強烈。［5］很有自信，有時很驕傲，很執著，所以會與人筆戰或舌戰。

c）「思想的巨人，情感的侏儒」

1. 他們拙於表達自己的「情感」，你問他們有什麼「感覺」，他們通常回答的是自己的「想法」和「意見」。［5］因為對人沒有安全感，所以他們較不容易分享自己更深的內心世界。我們要有耐心幫助［5］，引導他們學習分享自己的「感受」，因為分享「感受」才是更深入與人分享自己的人。

2. 他們也怕有太多情緒感受，內心的「感覺」對［5］，絕非做人做事的依歸。這一點與［4］相反。［5］認為「擁有情緒」，「會表達情緒」，「會變得情緒化」的人是「不正常」的人，理智客觀的人才叫做正常。

有些性格的人和［5］相處會較辛苦：那就是［2］偏［3］，或者是［3］偏［2］的人。因為他們非常熱情，情感豐富，但很多時候他們較不注重「思想」，所以［5］會嫌棄他們「不用腦袋」

3. 他們也盡量控制自己的情感，把感情壓抑，但其實心中是充滿愛和關懷的，就是不願意表達出來，他們的內心世界只留給自己，怕有人進入這個世界，他們要的是絕對，極大的隱私空間。所以要和他們心靈交流會很挫敗，要以溫柔和耐心開始，讓他們確定你不會強迫，這個時候他們才會放鬆，所以需要時間。

4. 他們不喜歡親密的感覺，只喜歡專注於思考，專注於心智的活動。

5. 他們遇見挫折或不滿時，通常會選擇沈默或者轉身離開，他們習慣以冷漠當作武器。

d）「注中精神，不重物質」

1. 在乎精神上的講通，不太重視衣著，因為這些都是身外之物，他們可能會為了讀書或蒐集資料，常常忙碌到無法打理自己。他們通常是「清貧書生」型的人

2. 通常很「節儉」甚至有點「吝嗇」。有時他們最吝嗇不是給出「金錢」，而是給出他們的「時間和精力」，因為對［5］「個人知識，時間和精力」就是力量，是他們安生立命的依靠。所以［5］要慷慨一點，更願意給，特別是貢獻你的智慧，時間和金錢

健康情況的［5］

1. 極強的洞察力：他們擁有優於常人的能力，他們很能夠鑑古知今，從過去瞭解現在並能展望未來，所以［5］很有「先知般」的洞察力。

2. 說話清晰有條理，切中要點，冷靜客觀，是很好的幕僚人才。

3. 先驅：是知識和智慧的先驅，在教會中可以請他們去思想個樣理論基礎，架構及解決事情的方案。

不健康情況的［5］

1. 雞蛋裡挑骨頭

2. 敵意與攻擊性：對意見不同的人

3. 孤立和憤世嫉俗，以揭露人生的黑暗面為樂。嘗試證明人際關係的虛假，並指出人類天性的徹底腐敗！表示敵意的方式並非暴力，而是以叫囂發表狂言，苛評或是突然退縮到一種充滿憤怒與憎恨的沈默中，加深孤立。甚至可能認為別人憎恨他們，像迫害他們，防人之心很強，十分不易相處。殊不知他們所謂的「別人的醜陋，腐敗」多半只是信念不同所產生的誤解而已！

［5］成長之道：往［8］最好的特質發展

1. 道成肉身：去行動。［5］要知道明白生命奧秘最好的方法是參與，而非只是讀書，觀察和思想。

2. 用專業知識幫助人：不吝嗇。［5］常告訴自己：「我知道的已經夠了，即使知道的不夠多也可以行動了」！

3. 接近人：少做獨行俠，多和人合作，不要只用頭腦，要多用一點心，帶著同情和愛心區觀察人。

4. 學習更多表達自己的感受，做一個有心的人。［5］要常對自己說：「經歷及與人交往有助我發掘真正的知識」（林前8:1）

5. 參加自我開放的小組：在互相接納的氣氛下可以幫助表達自己。

6. 除了用腦之外，也要用信心。人不可能什麼都知道，什麼都在自己的掌控之下，因此［5］當更多的倚靠神，求神賜下智慧，多以默想和禱告來滋潤生命，面對焦慮！（詩94:19）

如何與［5］的人相處？

1. 說話要直接，簡短，不要喋喋不休，他們最討厭沒系統的交談。

2. 絕對不要讓他們感到困窘或置他們於困境中。

3. 他們在面對人群表達自己時往往有困難，所以不要給他們太大的壓力，要表現出親切的善意，以減輕他們的緊張，焦慮。

4. 不要逼他們參與社交活動。

5. 他們喜歡與人保持一定的距離，要尊重他們的界線。如果你想和他們見面，必須預約，不要突然在他們門口出現。

6. 如果你是［5］的配偶，需要給他們自由，獨立，私人空間。

7. 他們不喜歡多說或多做解釋，要接納他們。

8. 告訴他們，他們的智慧給你很大的幫助，他們就會覺得值得貢獻智慧。

9. 你應該跟他們分享感覺，會慢慢幫助他們也表達感受，而不只是談論事情。

10. 「尊重」是打動［5］最有效的方法，［5］最討厭被人壓迫的感覺。

［6］行事謹慎型

* 狀態常常是充滿「緊張」，「膽怯」，「焦慮」和「恐懼」。

* 很不容易作決定，常常反覆不定。

* 成長之道在於「向上帝借膽」！

* 勇敢是從信靠上帝而來的，當我們有信心的時候，我們軟弱的個性就可以變為剛強，勇敢！

- 有人稱他們為「忠誠型」或「行事謹慎型」

- ［6］的忠誠行事謹慎，都和他們的「不安全感」有關。

- ［6］的人雖然會提出較消極的看法，但是一旦他們有了安全感，他們會是很忠心，認真去完成任務的人。

- ［6］如果健康會成為最忠實，善良，可愛的夥伴！

［6］的人日常生活呈現出來的特質

a）追求安全感：

- ［6］+［1］的人有很多相似之處。

- ［1］［6］的人都很「挑剔」，很容易看「負面」的東西，都很「盡責」，也都很「守法注意」的傾向。

- ［1］對他所遵守的原則較不會受人動搖；［6］雖然有一些原則，但是比較容易被人動搖。

- ［1］把盡責當成「對自己道德的要求」；［6］則是「盡力防範危險的發生」，不要出錯，不要被罵。

- ［1］注重的是「對和錯」；［6］關注的是「安不安全」；［3］關注的事「成不成功」；［7］關注的是「好不好玩」

b）危機意識：

* ［6］九型人格中最有「危機意識」的人。

- ［6］很有災難思想。

* ［6］很難下決定，經常看到所有可能的挫折。

- 過度分析易導致造成行動的阻礙，容易焦慮。

- 不健康［6］「以憂慮代替行動」。

* ［6］必須學習「正面思考」，訓練自己「有解決問題的能力」。一個有解決問題能力的人才是一個真正成熟的人。

- 正面思考就是「遇事有解決問題的動力與能力」，遇到挫折和挑戰會產生解決問題的企圖心，並找出方法正面迎接挑戰。

- 然而「過度樂觀」根本不去解決問題也是屬於負面思考。

- 許多［7］一位不去想問題就是「樂觀」，問題是他們常常把問題丟給別人。如果悲觀卻擁有解決問題的企圖心和方法就是「正面思考」，這種叫做「防衛型悲觀」。

正面思考是可以學習的，正向思考能力強的人有三種特質：

1. 他們能夠坦然面對現實。能夠放掉「錯誤」

2. 有即時解決問題的驚人能力，（九型中最有解決能力的，有可能是［8］）

3. 他們擁有深信生命有意義的價值觀念：他們相信「每一個困難都是有正面意義的」。

- 「樂觀」是「個性」；「信心」是「靈性」。

- ［6］成長之道在於「向上帝借膽」！

- 我們相信「危機就是轉機」，相信「如果上帝給你關一扇窗，祂就預備給你開一道門」！我們要信任上帝的全能和智慧，我們就會相信上帝掌管每一件事，以致我們不會坐困愁城。

- ［6］+［9］的人都會因為「害怕改變」，以致把神給我們的才幹埋沒了。因為「害怕犯錯及害怕失敗而不敢行動」是［6］需要改變的態度。

4. ［6］常無法信任自己，無法信任自己的決定，感覺，判斷，感情，能力，導致自信低落。因此［6］要建立「健康的自我形象」。「你怎樣看你自己會決定你成為怎樣的人」！得勝自卑最好的方法就是「從上帝的眼光看自己」。

5. ［6］對事物時常反應過度，愛瞎疑猜，所以［6］常常「自己嚇自己」

6. ［6］也有「反恐懼」的現象。就是常做錯事的時候，因怕被責備而「死鴨子嘴硬」，不但不道歉，還會指責別人，推卸自己的責任。當我們了解到其實他們知錯的，他們的反擊是因為「害怕」，因此只要我們給他們有「安全的保證」他們的態度會柔軟下來。

7. 有人用「事事大，事事小」來形容［6］。就是［6］不平穩時，生活每件事物，不管大小，皆為「大事」，不宜勝任，但當他們心中平穩時，許多看似沈重，有壓力的事物皆可輕鬆挑擔。有人用「豹」來形容［6］因為它的特性就是「敏捷」。

c）依附權威和團體：

- 他們因有不安全感又焦慮，所以希望有權威人士告訴他們如何做，為他們蓋章。幫助［6］最好的方法不是幫他們蓋章，幫他們作決定，有兩個原因：

* 雖然他們希望你幫他們蓋章，但是當做錯了決定時，他們又會責怪你

* 若我們幫他們作決定，他們會更依靠我們，而失去了學習解決問題能力的訓練。

- 所以［6］要避免兩個極端：

* 避免在他們焦慮時嘲笑或輕看他們

* 在他們焦慮時直接幫他們作決定。

- 最好的方法就是有耐心的鼓勵他們找出解決問題的方法，藉此建立他們解決問題的自信心。

1. 循規蹈矩：他們責任感強，善盡義務，是個行事謹慎的人照規矩及傳統做該做的事。

2. ［6］看重團體，他們以為自己終身的幸福就繋於建立並維持良好的關係，所以他們看重團體共同價值，群體利益，為了團體總是全力以赴，對朋友及家人總是盡心盡力，亦看重弱者的需求。［6］友誼是長久的。即使被虐待，夜不會離開虐待他的人。

3. ［6］也較安於現狀，不喜歡轉換新環境。

4. ［6］容易「反權威」，性格充滿矛盾。如：青少年想當大人，又對自己沒信心。；所以跟隨權威，加入團體，成為安全感的來源。

［6］可能的童年背景

* 有可能經過「自己的信任被利用」，或經歷過極大的驚嚇（暴力，綁票，災害，或家人突然變故或身故），以致對身邊的環境無法信任，甚至覺得這個世界是恐怖的。所以他們藉故「投射」危險（預先想像危險）及「安全結盟」（對團體，家庭或朋友及權威者的忠誠），擁有後盾，支援，而無需獨自一人面對又大又恐怖的世界。

* 有些［6］小時候以服從權威來獲得安全感，贊同以及回報。童年起，就非常需要父親的稱讚，否則他們容易感到焦慮。他們學會如何遵守父親的要求，以取悅他。

［6］健康情況

* 自我肯定：自信來自於自我價值的認識，不再從外界，尤其是權威者身上尋求價值，自己與自己間的平衡關係，他們感到安全，被接受並且容易與人親近，信賴自己和他人，獨立但也能與他人互相依賴，並且平等地互相合作。

* 具吸引力：容易與人親近，容易引起弱者的共鳴，心地善良，樂於助人等特質正也是健康［6］的特質。

* 忠實夥伴：他們想要擁有能讓自己依賴的人，能夠被無條件的接受，並且有一個委身的地方，他們非常忠誠的態度來表示自己的交託，面臨任何挑戰時，他們從不猶豫地去護衛彼此的關係和友誼。

［6］不健康情況

* 信仰規條：可以犧牲一切服從命令，規條，當內有自我反抗的情緒時，他們仍將此壓抑下來，繼續聽命，但卻抱怨連連。

* 無價值感，缺乏自信

* 極端焦慮：他們被非理性的恐懼束縛，在芝麻小事上，都可以找令自己不安的證據，而且無法以理性說服他們排除這些恐懼。

* 誇大問題：只看問題以致不行動；沒信心，用「憂慮代替行動」，只不想做，把事情拖垮了。

［6］成長之道：往［9］最好特質發展

* 內在平靜：先與自己和平共處，在與人和平共處，讓所有的力量含蘊在內，而緩緩出擊；與內在權威相遇。（賽卅15）

* 自我肯定：不要限制自己的發展，劃地自限。

* 笑看「焦慮」：焦慮可以變成激勵，幫助你變得更有生產力，更能察覺自己在做什麼。

* 信靠神勝過膽怯及恐懼：不要自己嚇自己，以信心倚靠神。

* 恐懼時找出事實真相，是否及人憂天。

* 把恐懼的東西一件件寫下來，為每一件祈禱，再為每一件擬定處理時間表，時間到便去做！

* 恐懼時不要推卸應負的責任，更不要埋怨別人。

* 不要崇拜權威或以一種「我只是聽別人的命令行事」的態度縮在後面，「迎合權威」就長期而言，只會讓你沒有方向，讓你更沒有安全感和自尊。

* 要有勇氣表達自己，特別是對那些權威人士，但不要走到另一個極端，而變得好戰和與人對立！

* 能以優雅，成熟的態度承擔責任，作抉擇，甚至敢冒險。不要以害怕作為藉口和埋怨別人。

* 把因恐懼而常常警覺的性格變作「敬畏神」及為教會守望的力量。

如何與［6］相處？

1. 欣賞他們在緊急或危急情況展現的忠誠，智力，憐憫，機智和其他能力。

2. 他們喜歡被保證關係是永恆的。公開，誠實把對他的感激立體化，具象化，才會讓他們有安全感，他們需要多一點保證。

3. 他們是多疑的，所以很難相信你對他們的讚美，唯有不斷地傾聽，並願意支持他們，和他們站在一起，才是取得他們信任最好的方法。

4. 認真看待他們的恐懼，作什麼事先告之，他們需要知道細節。

5. 不要譏笑或批評他們的多疑，這會使他們更加缺乏自信心，應當幫助他們面對。

6. 他們知道選擇和改革要承擔風險，鼓勵其要多變化，與他們一起承擔風險。

7. 身為［6］伴侶，請務必讓他們知道你每天的行動，他們不是要控制你，干涉你，只是他們必須知道這些才能放心，因為［6］很容易有「災難思想」。

8. 當他們有問題解決不了時，鼓勵他們朝更有建設性的思考和計畫的方向走，鼓勵他們有信心。

9. 鼓勵他們說出他們的恐懼，只要聆聽而不要企圖解決他們的問題。

［7］樂觀開朗型

- ［7］給人感覺都是很開心，很有活力，很喜歡講笑話的樣子—但是［7］會透過「不停的活動」來掩蓋及忘掉他的痛苦和焦慮，以致「缺乏內省的習慣」

- 需要學習獨處，安靜，內省，把你們的經驗「內化」變成你的生命的一部分。

- ［7］要分辨「享樂」和「喜樂」是不同的。

［1］「笑看不完美」，能夠「接受瑕疵，接受瑕疪」的人才是真正的完美。

［2］「無條件的愛」才是真愛。

［3］「追求神眼中的成功」才是真正的成功。

［4］真正的自由是「你能夠去做你應該要去完成的事情，必須做的事」

［5］人生有很多的智慧必須從「與人交往」，從「實際的經歷」裡去得到。

［6］要注意不能因為安全而劃地自限。

「享樂」是靠「外在的」，感官的刺激得著快樂。

耶穌說：「凡喝這水的，還要再渴；人若喝我所賜的水，就永遠不渴；我所賜的水要在他裡頭成為泉源，直湧到永生」

- 「喜樂」是一種「內在」的滿足，因著與上帝，與人有美好的關係，及完成事情所帶來的滿足和快樂！

［7］的長處

1. 他們能給環境帶來喜樂：

- 和［7］在一起，讓人覺得無拘無束，很快樂，很自由，所以很多人會自然地喜歡和［7］在一起。

- ［7］有時候被誤解為不夠認真，因為有人認為「嚴肅」的人才是「認真」的人，這是錯誤觀念。 我們的確可以成為「又喜樂，又認真」！

2. ［7］是很有創意的人：

- 「創意」是上帝給人的。所以教會不應再抹殺創意，創意不是人的辦法，是神給我們的智慧！

［7］要面對的問題

1. 接著多采多姿，新的事物來逃避痛苦和問題：

- 腦中心的［5］［6］［7］共同的關注點就是「面對安全感和焦慮」的問題，只是面對的方式不同。

- ［7］是透過「不斷的活動」來逃避痛苦，焦慮和問題。

2. 缺乏「內省的習慣」：

- 由於［7］會透過「不停的活動」來掩蓋及忘掉他的痛苦和焦慮，因此［7］會產生第二個問題，就是「缺乏內省的習慣」

3. 虎頭蛇尾：

- ［7］的人興趣廣泛，多才多藝。

- ［7］往往都是點到為止，「貪多」而不注重「精益求精」。而且為他們的逃避「合理化」。

- ［7］的人需要問［5］的人最好的特質發展，就是學習［5］的「深，專，遠，靜」：深入一點，專心一點，想得遠一點，並且學習內省，內化的習慣。

- ［7］若能不要只享受「開工的快樂」，也能享受「完工的快樂」，他就會很不一樣

- 「合理化」是［7］的「死角」，［7］太聰明了，所以總是能為自己轉移和逃避「合理化」

- 想得「遠」，一點也是［7］需要學習的。第一個「遠」，就是指不要注重眼前的享樂，要為長遠「做有意義，有價值的事」打算。［7］還要想得「更遠」一點，那就是思想「永恆」的問題。

- 我們若想到有一天我們都要面對上帝的審判時，我們一定不敢浪費生命，而會把生命投資在上帝對我們一生的計劃上。

［7］日常生活呈現出來的特質：

* 追求快樂

［6］像青少年

［2］像媽媽

［8］像爸爸

［9］像大哥大姊

［7］像小孩子

［7］的人

1. 喜歡戲劇性，多變化，多姿多彩的生活。

2. 對感官的需求特別的強，喜歡美食，服裝，縱情於娛樂。

3. 相信及時行樂是絕對重要的，至於未來的事不必過於庸人自擾。其實「及時行樂」是一種逃避現在痛苦的方法。

4. 擅長製造活潑富變化的氣氛，可以讓身邊的人感到新鮮有趣，和他們在一起不拘束，很輕鬆。

5. 不健康［7］會看重朋友勝過家人，較喜歡與朋友在一起，有時會有一種錯覺，覺得和朋友在一起比較快樂，有些［7］丈夫覺得和別的女人在一起比較快樂，和自己的妻子在一起卻有很多的衝突，其實這是一種不公平的比較。（夫妻之間都會多的衝突，但對於逃避痛苦的［7］，就會誤認為在外面和朋友在一起，比在家裡更快樂，以致家庭的關係會更惡化。是［7］要留意的）

6. 很注意自己的健康，注意自己是否年輕充滿活力，因為那是找樂子的本錢。

7. 人緣很好，口才好，舌燦蓮花，令人覺得很甜蜜，是最愛講話型。

8. 只喜歡與有趣的人做朋友，對無聊的人卻懶得交往，所以和［7］在一起，要和他們一起歡樂，才能和他們做成朋友。

* 逃避痛苦

1. ［7］不喜歡太認真，太嚴肅，怕負面的情緒，因此［7］在人際關係上，表現得很不直接，因為直接表達怒意會令情況尷尬，所以不直接表達，他們會用幽默的舉動來表達不滿，在幽默中蘊藏尖刺，然後小心翼翼地釋放出不滿的煙霧。

- ［7］常常用「開玩笑」的話語，蘊藏尖刺和不滿。如果［7］發現這樣的方式不通時，他們就會趕快「轉移話題」，以免有尷尬的場面發生。

2. 是很敏感的，對於別人痛楚也很敏感，但由於不想面對，他們常會採取「嘻笑辱罵」的態度，希望讓氣氛輕鬆一點，然而卻往往令人誤會，認為他們不夠認真，不懂得體會別人的感受，這實在是個誤會，他們這樣做是他們不懂得用其他方式去處理痛楚，只好用「嬉笑」的方式來緩和一下。

3. 他們喜歡自由不喜歡朝九晚五的工作，吃東西喜歡有多樣化的選擇，他們不給自己任何限制，害怕沒有選擇。［7］喜歡做「新鮮」的事。

4. 有需要的時候沒有耐心等待，要立刻滿足，慾望不能達到，或別人限制他們自由的時候，他們會很憤怒！

［7］當他們慾望不能達到，或別人限制他們自由的時候，他們要留意會往［1］最不好的特質發展，就是轉成「挑剔」，「批判」甚至「攻擊」那些，他們認為「阻擋」他們慾望和自由的人！

他們會常常想辦法置身於麻煩，承諾，甚至責任之外。好幾類型都不喜歡「承擔責任」，但原因不一樣。他們不承擔責任因為：

［6］怕犯錯，危險

［4］希望想做才做

［7］害怕責任會帶來壓力，並剝奪他們的自由和快樂

* 過度活躍

1. 不停地以新的「事物」來滿足自己對快樂，刺激和冒險的飢渴。

2. 想要逃避不安和痛苦的感覺，所以他們不喜歡把精力和時間投注在例行事情上。

3. 如果他們不保持動態的話，會有一種被困住的感覺。

4. 他們有天份，多才多藝，學什麼都比別人快，他們也很有提供願景和方向的能力，是個「點子王」，是九型人格裡面腦子轉得最快的人，但［7］點子很多，去做得並不多，開會時點子特別多，散會以後卻常什麼都沒做。

5. 好奇心旺盛，喜歡冒險，要新鮮感，包括感情生活。［7］要留意自己有「喜新厭舊」的傾向。

* 缺乏深思的樂觀主義者

1. 我們提過，［7］的「樂觀」不見得就是「正面」思考，因為他們並沒有真正去面對問題。

2. 過度好動，導致膚淺而瑣碎，同時做太多的事情，虎頭蛇尾。［7］常沒辦法把一本書從頭到尾看一遍。

3. 少用心聽人說話，聽別人的心情，只喜歡說俏皮話，打打屁，說笑話，自娛娛人。

4. 他們為人自信，有點自戀，經常高估自己的能力與魅力。

［7］的脆弱處： ［7］「缺乏徹底面對和解決問題的能力」

［7］的童年背景

1. 可能生活環境充滿限制，他們決定：「既然他們不能讓我快樂，那就要靠自己，我要讓自己快樂，過多姿多彩的生活，再也不要活在難以忍受的世界裡。」他們藉多姿多彩的生活以平衡，逃避他們面對的痛苦。

2. 也可能成長於溫暖的家庭，有愉快的童年回憶，從然有一些［7］成長時遇見家庭變遷，嘗到了傷痛，腦海裡卻沒有留下痛苦回憶，憎恨及埋怨。因為他們慣於選擇性地記憶過去，不願提及不快樂的童年，他們傾向只記得美好的回憶，腦海裡只留下快樂的童年片段。人都有「選擇性記憶」，［4］的人容易選擇「痛苦」的記憶，［7］的人較容易選擇「快樂」的記憶。

健康情況之下的［7］

1. 熱愛生命，肯定生命，很能夠用快樂的心來擁抱每一天。

2. 熱情洋溢：是一個可以讓人很愉快的夥伴，有活力，也很有熱情，對每件事情都採取正向的態度。

3. 擁有豐沛的生命力

4. 多才多藝，只要專注就能夠有所成就，對人們有所貢獻。

5. 樂意分享：成為別人快樂的泉源。

不健康情況的［7］

1. 過度物質主義，把時間浪費在享樂上而沒有時間去做有目標，有計畫的行動。

2. 逃避現實：他們無法理解自己不滿於生活，是因為缺乏「內省」的習慣。雖然表面上他們擁有許多美好的東西，但是不快樂的感覺確實存在。因此他們會往自身之外去尋找原因，沒有目標的行動著，逃避著，任何事物只要能夠提供快樂或消除緊張的焦慮，他們都來者不拒，但他們不願意，也無法真正面對自己或真正接觸任何事物。

［7］成長之道：往［5］最好的特質發展—「深，專，遠，靜」一次只作一個夢，只要專注就能夠有所成就。

1. 要學習［5］，適當的抽離，找時間獨處，學習內省，體會靜默和獨處的好處，不要以看電視或收音機等去轉移注意力和焦慮，學習讓生活中少一些外在的刺激，要「重質不重量」。

2. 專注於正確，有價值的事情，真正的快樂才會產生。不要「愛宴樂不愛神」（提後3:4）只有上帝能滿足我們，而不是藉著更多人生的享樂與刺激。生命的重點不應該是「快樂」，而是「討神喜悅」！

3. 相信施比受更有福：關心別人的需要，不要太自我中心，讓更多人與你一同喜樂，用你的才華去服侍別人。且要學習與哀哭的人同哭，而不只是和歡笑的人同樂。

4. 忍耐地作完！詩人說：「我受苦是與我有益，為要使我學習你的律例」（詩119:71）

5. 不用不停的活動來逃避問題，知道問題若沒有解決，問題不但在，甚至會產生更多問題。［7］要常告訴自己：「面對痛苦比逃避痛苦更不痛苦」。需知到完整的生命包含快樂和痛苦，奇幻和現實，開心和責任，笑聲和眼淚，作夢的飄飄然和實現理想時的陣痛！

如何與［7］人相處？

1. 欣賞他們對新的經驗所保持的樂觀，自然和熱忱。

2. 發展你自己的興趣，而不是依賴他們陪伴和娛樂你。

3. 提醒他們如果不面對問題，問題會找上他們！

4. 要聽他們講故事，參與他們熱誠的對話，加入他們冒險的經驗。

5. 不要企圖用時間表和日常工作來約束他們，但鼓勵他們了解「決定，穩定」很寶貴，「定性」會有深度。

6. 鼓勵他們看重別人，並專注他們以外的事物。幫助他們認知由於專注於享樂而失去的事物。

7. 鼓勵他們體驗不同的情緒，快樂和痛苦，愉悅和悲傷，提醒他們忠於自己的情感，承認他們自己的恐懼，引發它們多談負面的情緒，鼓勵他們不要以講笑話來逃避，遮掩他們的痛苦。

8. 讓他們有空間發揮創意。

9. 盡量表現對他們欣賞和敬佩，而且熱情的回應他們提出的看法，如果你是一個比較有框框的人就必須留意，許多時候我們對［7］的人的第一個反應就是打壓他，而［7］如果他提出許多的點子，得到的結果都是被否決的話，他就會退縮。所以我們應該有更開放的心胸來接納他們的意見，這樣就會鼓勵他們多多貢獻他們創意的點子。

10. ［7］人是自傲的，沒有包裝的批評會讓他們惱羞成怒。

［8］大有膽識的義氣大佬

- 如果健康，會成為「最寬大為懷，積極進取」的領袖。

- 是九型裡面最有「爆發力」的人，他們是最有「影響力」的人。

- 然而他們的影響力，可能是「建設性」的，也可能是最有「破壞性」、反社會性」的。

- 他們常常是「毀譽參半」。因為他們敢做一些別人不敢做的事，敢說一些別人不敢說的話。

- 稱為是「保護型」，「支配型」或「主張型」，「領導型」。

- ［8］比較果斷，比較直接，因此容易出錯，也容易樹敵，所以［8］人要留意，當他們不健康的時候，會往［5］最不好的特質解離，就是「猜疑」。

［8］的人日常生活呈現出來的特質

* 保護者

［8］最強烈的特點就是「保護」和「控制」。不健康的話也是個「欺壓者」。

* 權威者

    1. 天生的權威，他們會毫不猶豫地發揮他們的權力。

    - ［6］到任何一個環境，特別是陌生的環境，他們認為「環境是比我大的」；而［8］卻認為「我比環境要大」，到任何一個地方比較不害怕。

    - ［8］會支配別人，指揮別人。他們可以毫不猶豫地發揮他們的權力，甚至他們講的話都很特別。

    2. 他們是「負責人」型的人物，想要把自己的意志貫徹在環境中的每個人，每件事。

    - 很多［8］會試圖用「拳，權和錢」來得到權柄。

    - ［8］要學習［2］最好的特質，就是用「愛和服事」得到別人對你的尊重！

    - 耶穌得著權柄的方法就是「愛和服事」。

    - ［8］若學會了「作僕人」就會是一個好的領袖。

    - 有部電影叫做《霍元甲》，他母親對他說：「讓別人［害怕］你，和讓別人［尊敬］你是兩回事！」別人「怕」你是因為你的拳頭比他大，但是別人會「尊敬」你是因為「愛」你！」

    - ［8］要學習「謙卑」，能夠聽別人的建議，不要一意孤行，只一點對［8］非常重要。

    3. 不喜歡求人：常常培養自己的能力，［8］很不喜歡「軟弱」的人，很多時候會納悶：「為什麼大家都這麼怕我呢？」因為［8］不喜歡軟弱的人，又是傷到人也不知道。而且［8］脾氣很大，很嚇人，所以周圍的人會比較怕他們。

    4. 愛幫助別人，但常常讓別人感受到是強迫性的幫助，用自認為最好的方式幫助人解決事情，忘了尊重別人的想法和感覺。

    5. 遇強則強，遇弱則弱，也就是「吃軟不吃硬」所以不要和他們硬碰硬。

    6. 發起脾氣來很嚇人，周圍的人都不敢招惹他。［8］脾氣來得快，去得也快，因此很容易「誤殺」。［8］是「本能型」的人，他們的血氣很強，直接反應，不平則鳴，很容易「誤殺」。

    - 很容易「誤殺」所以要學習聖經所說的「要快快的聽，慢慢的說，慢慢的動怒」（雅1:19）

    - 也要注意，千萬不要聽信「傳言」，「傳言」往往和事實會有很大的出入，因為人很容易「誤傳」。

    - 第［8］+第［9］要留意，［9］感覺比較慢，很多［9］，白天有人罵他，他沒有感覺，等到晚上睡覺的時候才想起來。［8］脾氣來得快，去得也快，但是［9］的人卻是「後作力強」的人。所以［8］［9］要留意這差異，［8］最討厭「當面不說清楚」，這是他們很容易誤會之處。

每個人都有「心靈按鈕」，我發現［9］往往有一個「心靈按鈕」，就是他們很孝順，所以當你罵他的時候，他不一定有反應，但是如果你罵他的父母，可能他的怒氣就會爆發。［9］要注意自己的感覺和怒氣，免得到最後變成一顆更具毀滅性的「核子彈」。

    7. 不在乎別人是否喜歡他，只緊張別人是否尊敬他。［8］很需要被尊重的感覺。

    8. 由於很在乎家和家的成員，在家中表現包容及忠誠，可以與兒女打成一片。［8］是保護型的人，是胳臂往內彎的人，是很護衛自己的人。形容［8］動物是「老虎」，有人說「老虎」是最能夠和孩子打成一片的。

* 挑戰者

    - 勇於向生活挑戰，是對抗不法的挑戰者，第［8］是不怕去挑戰別人，對不法，不公義的事情他都敢於挑戰。很多「工會」的領導者都是［8］的人物。

* 進取

    1. ［8］做任何事都是「盡力」，「盡情」和「盡興」。［8］會痛快的工作，也會痛快的玩，對每件事都是盡力，盡情的做。

    2. ［8］對新的事物及創新有高度的敏銳度，他們總是在尋找新的機會，一成不變的環境令他們窒息。

    3. 他們對想要的會窮追不捨，直到得到手為止。

    4. 一副天下無難事的態度，一有事情立刻想方法解決！

    5. 喜歡效率，不喜歡拖泥帶水，任何事情喜歡明快，乾淨俐落的處理。

    6. 不讓自己生活有空白，只要有事情要做，立刻全身充滿活力。

    7. 信奉「優勝劣敗，適者生存」的道理，「想要贏」是他們生命中很重要的事。

* 冒險

    - 他們酷愛危險與興奮，也喜愛享受挑戰成功的高峰感覺，想法做不可能的事，辦不到的事或別人失敗的事，由於他們的直覺集中在外在事物和探索新的可能性，所以那些能發揮這些特性至極的職業，常是他們所擅長的（例如：企業大亨，投機者，政治家⋯），他們常是最具爆發性的人物。

［8］可能的童年背景

1. 可能從小他自己被欺侮，或者他家庭的成員，可能是他的兄弟姊妹，或者父母被欺負，所以他就要負擔起保護家人的角色，以致認為生存就必須變得強而有力。

2. 有些［8］，從小就希望獲得父母的愛和關懷，卻學到必須強烈的堅持己見，大叫，發脾氣，父母才會有反應，他們就漸漸學會了用強硬的手段支配別人。有個［8］女孩，她說她從小她向父母要一樣東西，如果父母不給她，她就鬧一整天，鬧到父母給他為止。

3. 也可能來自管教嚴厲，甚至是虐待的家庭，從小就學習對抗和保護自己，有些是小時候從同輩中學會了一套強人哲學，如強忍眼淚及不甘示弱，才會被人尊重，懦弱的人會被人看低和踐踏！

健康狀況的［8］

* 寬懷大度：寬大為懷，不支配人，且有偉大宏觀的志願，會運用所擁有的資源來謀求大眾的福利

* 自信滿滿

* 引導前進：人們要他們來解決問題，代表大眾去戰門，是父親形象的化身⋯

他們能激勵人們為自我以外的目標去奮鬥，也能激勵人們去做本以為不可能做到（及不想做）的事，藉此幫助人們建立自尊，勇氣及自信！

不健康情況的［8］

* 欺壓者

* 大肆破壞：在九型人格，［8］如果健康會最有「建設性」，相反的，會最有「破壞性」和「反社會性」。不健康［8］認為不管對不對，擁有武力以致勝才是最重要的，只要可以達到目的就好，而且報復心很強。

［8］成長之道：往［2］最好的特質發展

1. 更多了解別人的軟弱，體恤別人，用愛帶領人，服事人：避免攻擊別人，攻擊別人並不是真正的力量，真正的力量是更多激勵和提升別人，造福別人，為別人創造希望和成功。仁慈，會讓別人對你更忠心，而不是靠粗暴的力量，權力是要造就人，而不是要轄制人，要人屈服的。

2. 對人讓步：學習與別人協商。

3. 給人時間：非現在就要。

4. 尊重別人

5. 不隨便或未加思考變否決別人的看法，學習真心聆聽，聽清楚才回答！

6. 承認自己的有限與軟弱，承認自己需要別人，歡迎自己的脆弱與無力。［8］當學習保羅，他雖然是一個剛強的人，但是他卻仍然承認自己的有限與軟弱，而謙卑倚靠神。（林後11:29-30）

如何與［8］相處？

1. 以熱情，直接的方式與他們交往。

2. 誠實，直接說出你的想法，他不喜歡你不說實話。

3. 被傷害時告知，他們可以在有共識下吵架而沒事，他們也常不知道自己傷害了別人。

4. ［8］重情重義，所以不要懼怕他的強勢姿態，把他當作好朋友一般地釋出你的關心。

5. 接受他們據理力爭的方式，而不要以為是人身攻擊。你認為你們彼此起了爭執，衝突，他們卻可能覺得這是很過癮，是很有效的講通模式。［8］直來直往的方式，他們覺得是「講通」，但是別人可能覺得他們是在「罵人」，或者與人「吵架」，這是［8］很容易讓人誤會之處。因此提醒［8］，大部分的人都喜歡避免對抗，喜歡用比較平和，不傷感情的方式來處理問題！也就是大部分的人「心臟沒有他們那麼強」！

6. 他們希望你與他們一樣，對自己有信心，勇敢面對困難，為自己所做的事負責，要留意他們這些期望。

7. 鼓勵他們聆聽別人的觀點。

［9］和平型

「與世無爭」是［9］價值觀

- ［9］的確是談泊名利的人。

- 他們的「與世無爭」，往往變成沒有目標的過人生。

- 不健康［9］會變成「行屍走肉」的人。

- ［9］要往［3］最好的特質發展，就是要學習［3］：人生有目標，有雄心壯志，更積極主動，做事更有效率。

- ［9］只要有目標，其實他們是很容易爬到高位的。

「和平型」，「維持和諧型」，［9］最重要的特質就是「追求內心的寧靜」。

每一型人都會追求一些東西，但是他們常追求到「假貨」。

- ［8］追求的是「權力」，但常追求到「假的權力」，［8］要知道，真正的權力是從「愛和服事」來的；

- ［9］追求的是「平安」，但常追求到「假的平安」，［9］試圖透過「逃避奮鬥，衝突和問題太追求內心的寧靜」，真正的安息是外面可以做很多事情，會遇見許多事情，但是你「內心」卻有上帝所賜的平安，這才是真正的安息。

- ［9］健康之道就在於要從上帝那裡找到他「人生的使命」。當人找到上帝創造他，對他生命的計劃時，他就會找到「生命的動力」！

- ［9］的人有「使命感」，裡面有「火熱的心靈」，他的力量就出來了！

九型人格「腹中心」［8］［9］［1］「正，反，合」

腹中心的人傾向不同的方法去對抗現實世界給他們的衝擊和產生的怒氣：

［8］：他們努力「向外出擊」，以致世界不能太接近來傷害他們（正）。

［9］：他們以「被動攻擊」及退讓行為，來保持內在平安穩妥（反）。

［1］：他們以「盡力壓抑」內心感受，以致不用對外界做出反應（合）。

- ［9］常會逃避衝突，他們當明白「逃避衝突」只是一時時「寧靜」，問題並沒有解決。

華理克牧師：要學習三個功課

1. 避免衝突

    - 避免衝突和逃離衝突有不同。

    - 避免衝突是指我們人和人之間，應當學習盡量避免一些不需要發生的衝突。

    - ［8］就很需要學「避免衝突」。如：說話不要那麼急躁，那麼衝，個人多一點空間等⋯

2. 面對衝突

    - ［9］需要建立「衝突是有益處」的價值觀。

    - 衝突有「消極性」和「積極性」的好處。

    - 消極性的好處就是：「衝突是親密關係的必經坑道」。當我們關係愈親近時，愈在乎對方，也會開始要求對方改變，衝突就會發生。

任何一個團體的成長都需要經過四個階段：

第一個階段：「探索期」（或「形成期」）

第二個階段：「衝突期」（或「風暴期」）

第三個階段：「凝聚期」

第四個階段：「發展期」

一個團體若通過了「衝突期」，就會進入「凝聚期」。感情就凝聚起來，之後才能夠進入「發展期」。

［9］一定要認知並相信「衝突是親密關係的必經坑道」，以致不逃避衝突和問題。

衝突有一個更積極的意義，就是「衝突能讓彼此生命，個性更成熟」

3. 解決衝突

a）先解決覺「心情」在解決「事情」

很多人和人之間的衝突，「心情」比「事情」更重要。要先解決彼此因對方話語及行為受傷的心情。（雅5:16）

先解決「心情」再解決「事情」是解決衝突很重要的原則。

b）衝突必須達到「雙贏的共識」

特別是［9］在面對衝突時，會「假裝與人達到共識」，因為［9］如果發現你並沒有真正想要尊重他的意見和感覺時，他會立刻讓你，只要能「息事寧人」就好了！而事實上他們未必同意你的看法，當你們達到共識的時候，他也未必照著去做。所以面對［9］必須表達出你真心想尊重他們的意見和感受，甚至給他們一些時間和空間來思想，最終達成「雙贏的共識」，這才是真正解決衝突之道。

［9］一定要建立「衝突是有益處」的價值觀，如此他們才會積極學習不逃避衝突，勇敢面對衝突。

［9］日常生活呈現出來的特質

* 追求寧靜，規避衝突

* 消極，附和，被動，需要被推動

    1. ［9］很溫和，放鬆，不自誇，不愛出風頭，個性很淡薄，十足好人的樣子，但因為太淡薄，消極，也顯得懶散，缺乏活力。

    2. 以隨和的消極面貌示人，覺得自己生命的角色在於成全他人而非成全自己，不敢堅持己見，其實［9］很固執，很有自己意見的人。［9］+［2］都是「成全他人」型，不同的是［9］在人際關係上較「被動」，［2］較「主動」。另外，［9］的人是「你要我做什麼，我就會做，這樣我就能隱形了」；［2］的人是「你要我做什麼我就做，這樣你就會看到我了」。

    3. 由於［9］容易收藏自己的意願去迎合別人，所以有時候會給人陽奉陰違的感覺。當別人問他一意見，辦某些事時，他會慣性的同意，但未必去做，因為他內心是不同意的。［9］要留意不要「自我麻醉」。

［9］他們的感覺很慢，甚至有時候自己都不清楚自己的想法，因為［9］習慣漠視自己的感覺和想法，而附和別人，但事實上他裡面是有感覺和想法的。所以我們要學習去了解［9］心裡的想法和感受。

    4. 總是在事情啟動後才付諸行動，但是一旦啟動就能夠發揮強勁的潛力。

    5. 他們喜歡超然，置身事外，不強求，甚至淡漠，所以不容易成為決策者。

    6. 有時會漫不經心，粗心大意，常常會忘記約定。

    7. 他們忙碌的事往往不是因為爭取自我實現，而是忙既定的章程或行程。

    8. 他們深信船到橋頭自然直，認為凡事不必太早去做，一定能在限期前完成，可惜多數［9］過度樂觀的想法，往往規定期限已過，他還是做不完。

    9. 他們容易失去焦點，造成他們常常忽略了最重要的事情，而是去忙一些沒有急迫性的事務。

我們每天做的事可以分為四種：

        * 重要又緊急的事（工作，上課，服事⋯⋯）

        * 不重要但緊急的事（有人邀請你去逛街，看電影⋯⋯）

        * 不重要又不緊急的事（娛樂，或發呆⋯⋯）

        * 重要但不緊急的事

a）所有身，心，靈成長和健康，都是屬於「重要但不緊急」的事（運動，靈性成長⋯⋯）

b）「關係的經營」（夫妻，親子的關係）

c）我們人生「中，長期的目標」這些都不是緊急的事，但卻是重要的

［9］應該要留意更多去做生命中「重要而不緊急」的事！

* 「懶惰」是［9］最大的問題

    1. 懶惰特別是指「內在沒有活動，運作歇止」

    2. ［9］最容易在四個方面「懶惰」

a）懶惰於「思考」

b）懶惰於「改變」

c）懶惰於「做決定」

d）懶惰於「衝撞」（逃避與人「對質」，面對問題及衝突）

懶惰很容易讓［9］缺乏效率，他們會把「精神轉移在不重要且能讓人放鬆的事上，他們就不用面對真正的問題了。

    3. ［9］防衛機制是「麻木」

［9］面對壓力時會把自己內在的開關關掉，壓力越大就像一塊石頭，你越要跟他吵架，越要他做一件事情，就越發現在面前的是一道推不動的牆，越要和他衝突，吵架，他就越沉睡。

* 溫和容忍

    1. 罵他不回應，也不辯解，頂多問：「罵完了嗎？」

    2. 很願意傾聽別人，也很有同理心，可以完全了解並認同說話人的立場，困難，想法和個性，能讓人安心的透露心聲。［9］很能當別人的「垃圾桶」，因為他們不會亂傳話，能看見事情的正反面，替兩邊說好話，了解雙方情緒和委屈的能力。

    3. 很容易認同別人，所以很能適應環境，對一切都不太挑剔，很容易接受各樣的人，奇怪難纏都無所謂。

［9］可能的童年背景

1. 很多［9］的人的童年被人輕視和忽略，他們也許成長於大家庭，又比如他們兄弟姊妹很多，很多［9］從小就覺得自己「人微言輕」，他的意見別人不會接受，因此他們忘記自己，做別人所期望的事。

2. 有［9］小時候無法改變家庭某些矛盾及衝突（如父母吵架），［9］無法改變，他們面對痛苦的方法就是用「金鐘罩」（如離開家）眼不見為淨，若沒有辦法跑掉就「大被蓋過頭」睡覺或是專心讀書，看電視或聽耳機。

3. 有些［9］和父母有很好的關係，而且從小就很順服和聽話。這樣［9］長大以後，有可能會發生父母過度干涉他們生活的問題，特別是有了婚姻之後，這是［9］要注意的問題。

健康情況的［9］

1. 自我統合：

與自己統合，認識自己的思想，感受和慾望，能清楚認識自己，也隨之能清楚認識別人，更為人所喜愛，潛能完全發揮，為世界，當代，他人付出。

2. 接納他人，信賴他人：

健康的［9］是「最值得信賴」的人，他們能成為人們情緒穩定的中樞，是人們的避風港。

3. 調停人物：

［9］是「和平之子」，別人喜歡找他們當「和事佬」，因為他們給人很公正，很可靠，值得信賴的感覺。

不健康情況的［9］

1. 恍惚冷漠：

害怕改變，不做擾亂心情的事，一心想要維護內心的平和，不喜歡努力而深入的發揮自己，寧可希望每件事都自動處理完畢，養成不動手的習慣，懶得動腦，懶得操心。

2. 鴕鳥式的宿命論：

由於壓抑自己的優點和能力，所以他們總是在逃避現實，規避問題中渡過，以「大事化小，小事化無能」的態度解決問題，即降低問題的嚴重性來自處，凡事用認命，放棄的態度去面對，這已不是天生樂觀，而是天生自私，變成以犧牲他人來維持自己的寧靜。最大缺失在於他們拒絕面對問題，沒有興趣了解危機，直接低頭認命，如果別人為此生氣，就趕緊讓步，不計代價追求平靜。

［9］必需要學習「認真面對問題」，不要只是「息事寧人」。

［9］成長之道：往［3］最好的特質發展

1. 肯定自己，積極發展自我，希望天賦發揮到極致，從自律變為開拓自我，從被動轉為主動積極，不行屍走肉，更活潑地參與你周遭的世界，化解冰凍的心情，使心火熱，動作輕盈！［9］要找出自己人生的使命，找到生命的動力！

2. 為自己活，不要沉睡。

3. 要表現真我，如果你沒有對別人表現出真正的自己，他們不可能真正的認識你。

4. 你可以學習多說「不」！堅持自己的觀點不一定會破壞跟別人的和諧。

5. 行事為人多採取主動。

6. 多問：「我想要什麼？」而不是問「別人要的是什麼？」

7. 不要用吃喝，看電視，睡覺來逃避問題。

8. 要適當的處理憤怒。［9］要常對自己說：「犧牲短暫的平靜，可以幫我換取長期的平靜」。應該嘗試說：「讓我想一想，決定後才告訴你吧！」

9. 學習設立計劃，目標和完成任務。

10. 分辨什麼是重要的？什麼是緊急但不重要的？全力做那重要的事。

11. 要學習做決定，而且要戒除拖延的壞習慣，又是一拖延就乾脆不作，所以當學習「愛惜光陰」。

如何與［9］相處？

1. 適時地讚美他們，認同他們，他們常常不知道自己的優點，自己的重要性。

2. 向他們保證他們可以拒絕，你不會因此拒絕他們，讓他們真正的動起來。

3. 當他們需要長時間作決定的時候要有耐心。

4. 作他們聽眾，讓他們多講自己，發牢騷，可以講出他們的怒氣和受傷！

5. 鼓勵他們弄清楚自己的感受和想法，說出想要什麼，需要什麼，不要只是附和別人，但要跟他們時間跟空間，否則他們會給你一個「你想聽到的答案」。

6. 溫和地鼓勵他們找出作事的優先次序和訂定目標。

7. 鼓勵他們去做，把他們推出去。

8. 千萬不可以用強勢的態度對他們，他們會比任何人性格型態的人都來的固執。

如何判別相類似的類型？

［1］與其他類型的錯誤認同：

［1］與［2］

相似：

1. 他們對付出都有很高的標準，都把大量精力集中在別人的進步和幸福上。

2. 他們都會壓抑他們自己的需要和期望。

不同：

［1］根據自己內在標準去關注別人的需要

［2］通過改變自己使別人快樂，來關注別人的需要。常注重人際關係，經常發現自己與別人密不可分。

［1］與［3］

相似：

1. 做事都很有效率，組織性也都很高。

2. 都給人感覺冷淡而沒有情感，目標導向。

不同：

［1］「理想主義」者，為生活中每個領域的完美而奮鬥，內在的動機是強烈的道德感和良心，他們根據內在的評價做為驅動力，激勵他們去做那些他們認為對的事，

［3］是有效率的「實用主義」者，對成功，名望和事業有興趣。

［1］與［4］

通常［1］會錯認自己是［4］的原因因為他們曾經朝不健康［4］的方向解離，因此會把焦點放在［1］不健康的特徵上，而非整體來看。因為他們曾經沮喪，被內疚折磨，會感到沒用或為自卑及自憎所苦（甚至感到要自殺）若從整體看就不會誤認！

相似：

1. 他們都有「完美主義」傾向。

2. 都容易生氣及習慣自責。

不同：

1. ［1］不滿意「世界」的現狀；［4］不滿意「自己」的現狀。

2. ［1］對「每件事」都是完美主義者；［4］只對「自己的創作」存完美主義心態，即對「表達自己的感覺」有完美傾向。

3. ［1］通常依循和力行社會規範；［4］通常依循自己的規範。

4. ［1］通常自我克制的，他們會壓抑個人要求；［4］則有強烈的渴望與需求，甚至有時會有些自私。

［1］與［5］

相似：

1. 都是屬於理性型的人物。

2. 都可能有高度標準和強烈的善惡觀念。

3. 都有良好的集中力和能自我訓練。

4. 都可能多慮且試著不要犯錯。

5. 獨立及自恃。

不同：

1. ［1］傾向於實際且能確實地改進；［5］傾向於抽象及理論化。

2. ［1］傾向於傳統且遵循規則；［5］傾向於反傳統及權威。

3. ［1］傾向於演積極的角色；［5］傾向於退縮和保留。

4. ［1］強調縮小選擇而做出決定；［5］強調收集資訊。

［1］與［6］

相似：

1. 都是順從類型，［1］對「他們的超我和理想的要求」順從；［6］對「他們的超我和別人的要求」順從，尤其是對權威形象者。他們都對別人的不順從感到生氣。

2. 都有「守法主義」的傾向，喜歡清晰的指導方針。

3. 都很警惕，害怕犯錯，都會有強烈的良心疚感。

4. 強烈的責任感和重義務。

5. 傾向於工作過度而無法放鬆自己。

不同：

1. ［1］一旦相信一個道理，內心非常篤定；［6］有人提出不同看法，他們也會極力爭辯，但心中有質疑和不安。

2. ［1］怕犯錯是因「覺得事情本就不應該做錯」；［1］是因別人不高興。

3. 過分正直與所產生的氣憤和因道德感而來的憤慨是［1］主要的負面情緒；而恐懼和焦慮則是［6］基本的負面感覺。

4. ［1］的人想要結束，因此通常很快做成決定；［6］也想要結束，但很難去做成決定。

［1］與［8］

相似：

1. 都注重公正，正義，真理和公平。

2. 都很強的意志，都有自己的一套，並且都能積極的命令身邊的人們，照他們的想法去做。

不同：

1. ［1］的人對別人是施壓力去做他們認為的事，是從道德的觀點出發；［8］則是依個人的力量，威嚇或是報復和暴力的威脅，來讓別人做他們要做的事。［1］有著強烈和活躍的良知，當別人不遵從他們的引導時，會因此而生氣；［8］的人抗拒良知，並且侵略性的為所欲為。

2. ［1］可以忍受制式的行為規定；［8］則不能忍受。

3. ［1］對事物習慣設想壞的，悲觀的一面；［8］則習慣朝好的，樂觀的一面。

4. ［1］會試著行事合理；［8］有時喜歡使人感到震驚，而不會介意人們認為他們不合理。

5. ［1］以平穩的方式促使別人改變；［8］時常脅迫別人改變！

6. ［1］壓抑憤怒與衝動，只有當他們覺得洩憤是合理的時，才會變得緊張；但［8］直接表達憤怒，而且容易把衝動變成行動。

［1］與［9］

相似：

容易忘記或壓抑自己的需要，都重視堅定性和常規性。

不同：

［1］堅持自己的立場和標準，要求別人做出改變；［9］容易適應和接受別人立場，常常會忘記自己立場。

［2］與其他類型的誤認

［2］與［3］

相似：

內在驅動力都是為了獲得人的肯定，都精力充沛。

不同：

［2］通常關注人際關係，以及別人的感受與需要；［3］會忽視別人的感受。他們關注力的是任務，目標，以及通過自己的成就得到別人的肯定。

［2］與［4］

相似：

1. 都是情感豐富型的人，都是較浪漫且關注自我形象。

2. 都重視人際關係並且對人具有洞察力。

3. 對於拒絕非常敏感。

4. 會引人注目，緊張，妒忌和有佔有慾。

5. 尋求關注與贊同（尤其是較外向［4］）

不同：

1. ［2］企圖隱藏悲傷；［4］企圖顯露悲傷。

2. ［2］重視他人和想要表現活潑；［4］傾向於自私和易怒。

3. ［2］傾向於接近人群，較外向；［4］時常避開人群，較內向。

4. ［2］主動關注他人需要，且為滿足別人的需要而讓自己做出必要的改變；［4］關注自己的特殊性或真實性，而且他們經常感到不滿。

5. ［2］藉由對別人付出來表現自己；［4］藉由情感的講通來表現自己。

［2］與［6］

相似：

1. 都是親切，可愛，喜歡被人喜歡的。

2. 都有愛人，助人的熱誠，且注重他人的感受，尊重他人的要求或需要，而且值得信任。

不同：

1. ［6］要別人的贊同和保護；［2］要被愛，並且感覺自己對別人很重要。

2. ［2］想要控制別人，以得到自己想要的愛；而［6］是藉著被別人控制，來得到自己要的愛。他們以取悅別人得到安全感和確定性。

3. ［6］謹慎小心地邀請某些經過選擇的對象進入他們的生活；而［2］則是盡情的灑出他們感情的網，看誰落入網中。

4. ［6］的人付出時會求彼此間能公平相待；［2］則付出時，覺得自己是不求同等回報的。

5. ［2］會掩飾或不去碰觸他們的焦慮；［6］太過察覺他們的焦慮。

6. ［2］傾向於樂觀積極；［6］會想像最糟的情況。

［2］與［7］

一般而言［7］比較可能錯認自己是［2］，［2］的人很少錯認自己是［7］。

相似：

都是富情感，活潑，精力充沛，熱情洋溢和擅表演的。

不同：

［2］比較人際取向，對別人有興趣，願意成為家庭或社區的心臟與靈魂人物，他們希望自己對別人是重要的，並且和別人有親密的關係。而［7］並不那樣涉入別人的生活，他們和人在一起是因為，別人對自己所尋求的娛樂或刺激有所貢獻，只是讓他們的活動更好玩而已。他們並不希望被任何人需要，甚至他們對依賴他們的人沒什麼耐心，因為依賴者會讓他們的資源枯竭。也就是［7］比較保持自己的獨立性，以自我為中心，追求他們所想，所愛和所要的東西；［2］較以別人為中心。

［2］與［8］

相似：

都是精力充沛，慷慨，能給別人提供庇護，都認為自己是有力量且具有主導性的。都會有想要支配別人和環境的傾向（雖然［2］較間接，在愛的裝飾之下），因此［2］非常不健康時，會合不健康的［8］很類似。

不同：

［2］會為了取悅別人而改變自己，並壓抑自己的需要；而［8］行事強而有力，常常會嚇到別人。他們堅持自己的立場和需要。

［2］與［9］

通常會是［9］誤認為自己是［2］。

相似：

對人接納，包容，成為人靠近的對象，他們都願意讓別人快樂，都願意滿足別人的需要和要求，都舍己為人。

不同：

1. ［2］更加主動地關注別人的需要。

2. ［2］的自我意識比較強，［9］的人對自己和別人身分的認同沒什麼概念，他們較不尋求別人的感激回報（就算希望，也較容易滿足）。

3. ［2］需要敏感，對自己的情感和優點有高度的自覺，並且會毫不猶豫的談論著；［9］則不會。

4. 越不健康的［2］自我會不斷膨脹，變得自大而具侵略性；［9］則是自我會變得更模糊！

5. ［9］所提供的人多為安慰和信心，而非實質的幫助；［2］則不同！

［3］與其他類型的錯誤認同：

［3］與［4］

相似：

都可望別人的承認與重視，都很注重自我形象，都熱情，有競爭力，有創造性和開拓精神。

不同：

［3］堅持勇往直前，這就需要他們改變自己，暫時忽略自己的感受；而［4］不能一貫地堅持自己的目標，因為他們容易動搖，容易陷入人際關係帶來的困惑中。

［3］與［5］

通常只有［3］會錯認自己是［5］。因為［3］會不斷地尋找適合的印象去投射，而成為一名「思考者」（聰明，有智慧，有創意）正是他們夢寐以求的。

相似：

他們都專注於工作，活動以及該做的事，都會拋開情緒或者壓抑自己的感受，以免自己受到情緒的國度影響。

不同：

1. ［3］對［5］的人而言，追求和擁有知識本身就是目的，可能不會為自己的發現尋求聲望或財富；但［3］卻可能是為了讓人印象深刻，成名，在個人的領域中出類拔萃，被稱為天才，或為打敗對手而努力。［5］較隱密和沈默。

2. ［3］很在乎別人的看法；［5］則較少。

［3］與［7］

相似：

1. 喜歡取悅別人，不喜歡想負面的事，總是做比較樂觀的打算。

2. 都有誇大和自戀的傾向。

不同：

1. ［7］基本動機是為自己提供不斷的刺激來得到滿足；［3］主要動機是在競爭中優於別人。

2. ［3］較能堅持一個長期的計畫；［7］容易感到厭煩，而投入其他更有趣的事。

［3］與［8］

相似：

1. 都具有企圖心，工作狂，渴望當一個成功者及有影響力的人。

2. 都具有侵略性和競爭性，希望超越別人！

不同：

1. ［8］追求的是「權力」；［3］追求的主要是「功成名就，享受別人羨慕的眼光」。

2. ［3］為達目的會改變自己的立場及信念；［8］則不會。

3. ［3］下定決心後，還是很在乎別人對你的看法，強烈希望被別人需要；［8］則下定決定後，對別人的反應意見通常不會太在乎。

［4］與其他類型的錯誤認同：

［4］與［7］

相似：

1. 他們容易「過度」和走極端，但［7］是物質上的自我放縱；［4］則是情感上的自我放縱，是屬於較內在而自私的。

2. 他們都喜歡美好和貴重的東西，但［4］是因為他們的「美」以及每所帶來的感覺；而［7］則是在追求新鮮東西時所感覺到的刺激，所以［7］有「貪求物質的主義」的傾向；而［4］則是「唯美主義」。

3. 他們都很熱情，都屬於理想主義者，而且希望生活充滿冒險和高度刺激都關注自己所想，所需和所感。

不同：

［7］最樂觀，最懂得享受，他們會盡可能地避開痛苦與其他負面的情緒；而［4］恰恰相反，他們試圖探究抑鬱和其他強烈的情緒，而且他們把痛苦當成生活的一部分。

［4］與［8］

相似：

他們都很熱情，表達方式直接而強烈，甚至有些誇張，有時比較魯莽，衝動。

不同：

［4］十分注重自己的感受，並以充沛的精力繼續自己的行動。

［4］與［9］

1. 有些［9］誤認自己是［4］，因為他們具有藝術的天份和創造某些東西的嗜好。但［4］的藝術才能比較個人性和自我表露性。［4］常處理悲劇素材，在在自我超越中找救贖；［9］則處理平常事物，在普通生活和簡單的情況中找慰藉（通常是快樂的結局）

2. 他們都是退縮型的。但［9］以抽離的方式來避免任何不愉快；而［4］則相反，他們為了想達成和解而苦思那些令他們焦慮的事，他們並不從情感中抽離，相反的，他們敏銳的注意到情感，也許是太過注意了。［9］同時脫離外在世界和內在情感，但［4］則是從任何造成痛苦的事中退縮出來。

3. ［9］戴著玫瑰色的眼鏡看這個世界，看到的是愉快的東西；而［4］則在閣樓窗邊以旁觀的態度看這個世界，結果看到的是令他不愉快的東西，似乎其他人的生活都比較快樂，正常。

4. ［9］以他人為出發點，他們會緩解衝突，保持生活穩定，目的是為了獲得舒適以及避免衝突；而［4］以自我為中心，喜歡獨特和與眾不同的感覺。而且為了感受生存的樂趣，隨時可以接受大喜大悲的情緒。

［5］與其他類型的錯誤認同：

［5］與［6］

相似：

做事有條理，深思熟慮。

不同：

［5］通常會忽視或壓抑自己的感受，會劃清自己與周圍事物的界線，並且常常反應緩慢；［6］會立即對周圍的事物做出反應，會誇大遇到危險產生的害怕反應。

［5］與［9］

通常［9］較可能誤認自己是［5］（特別是男性）。在所有人格類型之中，［9］最難以認出自己的類型，因為他們對自己的意識不明確。而且在辨認過程中會引起焦慮，而這是他們深惡痛絕的，無論什麼事，只要會干擾他們心中的和平，他們一概忽視或視而不見，他們避免反省；因為他們想擁有一些愉快的關於自己的概念，維持一個不明確的自我了解，並因之保持情感上的愉快，對他們而言比獲得深層的洞察更重要！

相似：

他們都知道進退，內向，深思熟慮，不引人注目，都有抽離的現象。

不同：

1. 這兩種是很不同的。［9］溫和，態度從容，有耐心，善於接納，易於通融；［5］卻是緊張，意志堅強，善於爭辯，並且高度反抗別人的影響力；

［9］喜歡別人，相信別人，甚至有時太信賴別人；［5］懷疑別人，有時會太冷嘲熱諷，太具反抗性。

2. ［5］習慣與別人保持距離，維護個人界線，其目的是自我保護；［9］則與人保持親近的距離，習慣與人打成一片，能與人很好的相處，希望保持和諧與舒適的生活。

3. 他們相似之處在於有時［9］的人是「思考型」的人能，不同在於［9］通常不在乎細節，專注力也沒有［5］強。

［9］簡單，［5］複雜；

［9］回顧過去，［5］迎向未來；

［9］是幻想家，［5］是理論家；

［9］無拘無束，［5］孤立；

［9］烏托邦式的夢想家，［5］虛無主義者；

［9］樂觀，［5］悲觀；

［9］較開放，［5］較排斥；

［9］心處平和中，［5］則在緊張的狀態下。

［6］與其他類型的錯誤認同：

*［6］誤認自己是［4］的原因有兩個：

1. 有些［6］認為自己身上也有［4］的負面部分（沮喪，自卑，自我懷疑，絕望等），因此認為自己應該是［4］的人。然而這些特徵的背後動機是不同的：

［4］沮喪是因為失去實現自己的機會，而對自己感到失望；［6］沮喪是因為害怕自己做錯事，而讓有權威形象的人生他們的氣。因此［6］沮喪來自外在，只要權威者一句令他們安心的話，就能抒解他們的不安，但［4］的沮喪來自內在，是自責的投射！

2. ［6］的藝術傾向於成為表演藝術家，去表演別人的文字或音樂，不是自己去創作；［4］則傾向有原創性的創作者。［6］即使有創作力，常見的主題是歸屬感，安全感，家庭，政治，國家；［4］則選擇內在靈魂的悸動，個性的揭露，對他們而言最重要的是個人真實的存在！

不同：

1. ［4］尋求緊張及戲劇化的人際關係；［6］尋求平穩又安全的人際關係。

2. ［4］通常會發出安靜而有時是缺乏聲量或悲傷的聲音；［6］通常會發出令人擔心或聽起來緊張的聲音。

3. ［4］傾向與沮喪；［6］傾向於焦慮。

［7］與［9］

相似：

都希望生活快樂，與人和睦相處，力圖避免衝突。

不同：

1. ［7］比較狂熱，行事步調快；［9］比較有韌性且步調慢。

2. ［7］以自我為中心，懂得表達自己的要求，安排與信念；［9］以別人為中心，忽略或拖延自己的要求，安排和信念。

我的夢想 My Dreams

17/8/2016 Great disappointment, pissed off...

Dear Heavenly Father, 

    I'm really disappointed with those arrangement happened in my church Praise and Worship Ministry. 

Firstly, changes done without notice, that really freak me out. Ok... Fine, that's over... I thought it could be a full stop. Again, today I get a text from my church full time sister about I will be the song leader in this coming sat youth service. It was a exchange basis from last week. Why I didn't get this information again... Again need to wait until Wednesday only it would be done. Ok.... Better than last week is on FRIDAY. EARLIER 2 days. Father, I really hate kinda last minutes notice. That's ministry... Not a job, not an entertainment, that's for you. How could we do this to you? I'm really happy to have another chance to serve you! But two days before I had promised to replace a sister to be the keyboardist. I had a bad cough too. Lord, although that's not a problem for me to serve even you tell me few hours before. The problem is... Why can't be noticed earlier which you guys can make it noticeable last Sat. I'm not unreachable or someone which you need to travel far to get me. Just s what's app text, I'm happy with it. You guys can't even spend a text to reply my message? Ok fine, you guys are most busiest! I'm the free man among... God, I'm the most stingy person, I can't take it honestly. I really Angry... 

    God, help me to forgive and forget... The thing which make me pissed off is when I call my 

P&W leader, he still don't take it seriously. Gosh, I'm not the leader, I should sit back and relax and be the irresponsible woman ever. Why I'm worry, Why I'm Angry, Why I'm care so much, Why I take it so serious? WHY..WHY ...WHY.... 

    I keep tearing while praying in tongue... Great disappointment I ever felt. Great disappointment come from high expectation. I shouldn't expect, Lord. My bad, I should rest in you more, not keep doing it. When I feel what I have done without appreciation, I will have disappointment and I forgortten which my serving is not to please anyone. That's only for you, Lord. Father, you don't wish I'm angry and sad like I'm having right now. 

    Keep me stay focus on what you have call me to do, the rest... I don't care anymore. I try to serve my best, you take care the rest... Don't wish to have disappointment again in this ministry. Make sure, I'm doing it right for you. I shouldn't judge and complain. I'm sorry Lord. Thank you for reminding me. Please grant me more of your love and strength to follow you. I need to renew my strength by filled with your Spirit everyday. 

Keep me FOCUS. Thanks you Father. I really love you. 😘

Your beloved daughter, 

Joyce

Singleness, Marriage, and The Will of God.

Part 1: God’s Design for Decision Making

Modern Myth 1: As a Christian, you can expect God to tell you whether to marry and whom to marry.

Chapter 1: Obeying God’s moral will

1^st task is decision making

1. Learn what God want us to do and then do it.

2 facets of moral will of God.

·         In its scope

·         In its impact

God’s moral will touches every aspect and moment of life (in its scope), and  leads to fullness of life (in its impact), it follow that the believer’s understanding of and proper and response to the moral will of God are two if the most important components of decision making that is truly Christian.

Three Principles on the way of wisdom

        i.            Where God commands, we must obey.

      ii.            Where there is no command, God gives us freedom and responsibility to choose.

    iii.            Where there is no command, God gives us wisdom to choose.

     iv.            When we have chosen what is moral and wise, we must trust the sovereign God to work all the details together for good.

Chapter 2: Trusting God’s Sovereign will

1.      Adopted spiritual objectives that were based on God’s moral will.

2.      Devised plans that gave him a strategy for accomplishing his goals.

3.      Throughout the process, his planning was accompanied by prayer.

5 things about God sovereign will.

1.      Certain of fulfillment.

2.      Detailed – including all things.

3.      Hidden – it cannot be known in advance.

4.      Supreme – without violating human responsibility or making God the author of sin.

5.      Good – working all things together for God’s glory and our good.

 God can use the hardships we encounter as a result of living in a fallen world to produce at least 3 benefits:

1.      We can gain a deeper experience of God’s presence and grace that comes from greater dependence upon him (because of our need).

2.      We can grow in spiritual character as we are cured of our self-centeredness and become more like Christ.

3.      We can become equipped, through the process of healing and growth, to minister to others who experience similar difficulties.

Planning is legitimate and necessary enterprise.

Once God’s sovereign control is properly acknowledged, planning is appropriate.

Two truths reinforced in devised plan:

1.      The importance of wise, orderly planning.

2.      The effectiveness of God’s sovereign will in accomplishing the plans of men and the purposes of God.

The sovereign will of God has on our decision making, the answer has two parts:

1.      Believers should make plans humbly, remembering that God is the final sovereign determiner of every plan.

2.      Believers should trust the sovereign God to always work things together for good – even though he does not reveal his sovereign plan ahead of time.

Making decision pleasing God

1.      God provided resources for making decision that are acceptable to him.

God revealed his moral will in its totality.

God has instructed us in his Word to seek wisdom for making decisions.

God has informed us how to do it.

God given us a new nature that equipped us with everything we need to make decision that are pleasing to him.

2.      We work through the process of arriving at a decision, God is continually present and working within us.

Every single act of obedience is proof of God’s personal involvement in our lives.

3.      God give us wisdom.

God answer our prayer about our decisions.

4.      God utilizes the circumstances and the very process of decision making to change our character and bring us to maturity. 

God bless our obedience to his moral will and produces his spiritual fruit in our lives.

Essence of the Way of Wisdom:

Christians are called to make wise decision within the moral will of God, trusting in the sovereign will of God to accomplish his good purpose in and through us.

Part 2: God’s Design for Marriage.

Modern Myth 2: Marriage is fundamentally a “couples relationship” designed to meet the sexual and emotional needs of the spouses. Therefore, the key to a successful marriage is to find and marry one’s soul mate.

Offspring of divorced parents reasoned:

·         The primary cause of divorce is Marriage.

·         The surest way to avoid the pain of divorce is to refrain from getting married.

Converging Elements in the Perfect Storm

·         Commitment to individualism

·         Deinstitutionalization of marriage

·         Evaporation of constraints on premarital sex

·         Increased sexual temptation due to later age for marriage

·         The divorce epidemic

·         Increasing acceptance of cohabitation

·         Rise of alternative “relationships systems”

Chapter 3: Marriage in a Perfect World

“You don’t evaluate the players until you understand the game.”

How to understand the “game” of marriage?

My recommendation: Consult with the Person who invented the game in the first place. 

The Marriage Symphony

4 movements:

The first movement: The Institution of Marriage.

Consist 4 parts:

1.      The mission of the first couple (Genesis 1:26-28)

26 And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.

27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.

28 And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.

2.      The creation of the first couple (Genesis 2:7, 18-22a)

7 And the LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul.

18 And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.

19 And out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof.

20 And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him.

21 And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof;

22 And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man.

3.      The wedding of the first couple (Genesis 2:22b-25)

22 And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man.

23 And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.

24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

25 And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.

4.      The pattern established by the first couple (Genesis 2:24)

24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

The Mission of the First Couple

In order to understand God’s purpose of marriage, we need to recognize his purposes for human beings. For marriage was established to assist the humans in carrying out their mission.

Formation of human beings is the crowning climax of God’s creative work. We were put charge of all the others.

God’s original mission for the first couple, it reveals at least 4 related facts that should profoundly shape our understanding of the nature of marriage.

1.      Their Identity

They were image-bearers who reflected the nature of their Creator.

2.      Their differentiation

It takes two genders to properly represent God’s image and carry out the mission assigned to the image-bearers.

3.      Their role

They were rule over the sphere of earth as God’s vice-regents.

4.      Their allegiance

Their first and ultimate accountability was not to each other but to their Creator.

From this 4 factors we are able to identify the essential mission of the first couple: To Serve God by advancing his rule over the earth. The covenant of marriage was established to facilitate the accomplishment of this mission. 

The Creator set about to bring the whole project to completion. He begins with an announcement that shocks the reader: “it is not good for the man to be alone” (Genesis 2:18). Something about the man that was incomplete.

Human beings were not created to be solitary creatures. We have a built in capacity and need for relationship. Adam needs help.

The first thing reveals the nature of the woman’s purpose is the terminology used to describe her: “corresponding companion” (Someone who comes to aid of or provides a service for someone).

Man = whom the assignments were initially given.

Women = comes alongside to give man aid, not to take over.

Corresponding = suitable

Women were not a clone of her husband, but an equally human person with complementing differences.

The wedding of the first couple

God provided what Adam had been searching for – a companion perfectly suited to him.

Woman is designed to be Man’s side to be his companion.

Another way woman’s help was needed – “be fruitful and multiply, to fill the earth and subdue it” was not one-man job.

Eve purpose was to assist Adam in carrying out all his God-given responsibilities, of which procreation was only one.

God’s determination to make a companion for “the man” who corresponds to him (Genesis 2:18) immediately follows

1.      God’s assignment to Adam to care for and maintain the Garden of Eden (2:15)

2.      God’s commandment forbidding him to eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil (2:17)

Adam need more than company, he need help in fulfilling his responsibilities and keeping God’s commandments.

God’s original designs there are two functions for marriage:

1.      Relational Companionship

2.      Vocational Partnership

First couple was given a relationship to cultivate and a work to share (include procreation)

Procreation is such an essential component of the original design of marriage that a strong case can be made for recognizing reproduction as a third function, on a par with relational companionship and vocational partnership.

The pattern established by the first couple

Genesis 2:24

Here is the main idea:

“If a man and a woman are going to become lifelong vocational partners and relational companions, they must forge the strongest possible bond of commitment between them from the very beginning of the marriage.”

This bond consists of two elements:

1.      “ a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife”

2.      “they shall become one flesh”

Sexual aspect is a sign and expression of a union that joins husband and wife at every level.

While “leaving and cleaving” speak of the public covenant in which faithfulness is promised, “becoming one flesh” refers to the private consummation in which faithfulness is kept and expanded into a fully shared life.

Conclusion

In God’s original design, marriage was given to men and women to help them accomplish their shared mission of serving God in the advancement of his rule on the earth. This purpose is achieved as the husband and wife fulfill the marital functions of vocational partnership and relational companionship.

Two glaring differences:

1.      Absence of one of the primary functions – vocational partnership.

Lost the notion of shared work, the mission of most contemporary adults is personal fulfillment and happiness. When their goals diverge, or if the primary function of relational satisfaction is not fulfilled, the marriage may well become expendable.

2.      Autonomy of married couples in relationship to God.

The first couple rules over all the other creatures, but in relation to God. Marital relationship is secondary (and intended to contribute) to the primary allegiance to the King. So long as the husband and wife discharge their shared assignments and carry out their relationship within the framework of a larger mission and a higher loyalty, their marriage fulfill its purpose.

Chapter 4: The Marring and Makeover of Marriage

Pristine perfection of marriage as originally designed has been lost.

When humanity fell, marriage fell. But by the grace of God, it didn’t completely ruin everything. Fall didn’t disrupt the ultimate purposes of God.

The second movement: The Corruption of Marriage

Before the fall, the first couple enjoyed unhindered communion with their Creator. The greatest blessing Adam and Eve experienced was not their marriage; it was their fellowship with God.

Now every aspect of the marriage relationship was corrupted.

·         Companionship: the intimacy of a one-flesh relationship was immediately fractured by alienation and blaming (3:12). Subsequently, spousal harmony was replaced by a competitive power struggle in which the stronger dominates the weaker (3:16).

·         Procreation: childbirth will now be attended by pain and sorrow (3:16).

·         Shared vocation: the domain they were to rule over now rebels against them, turning meaningful labor into life-sapping toil (3:17-19)

 Please pay attention to the fact that you are both sinners.

What’s big deal about sin? Two problems:

1.      Our acts of sin disqualify and disconnect is from fellowship with God (Colossians 1:21)

2.      Our condition of sinfulness corrupts  our character, infecting us with chronic self-centeredness (Jeremiah 17:9, Mark 7:20-23)

In our foolishness, we live out our commitment to make life work on our own terms (Psalm 14:1; Isaiah 53:6)

Our spiritual death (separation from God) produces social death (separation from others) and psychological death (separation from ourselves).

The image of God was damaged, but it was not destroyed.

The third movement: The Redemption of Marriage

Jesus did indeed bring about changes in the status of marriage.

Extreme Makeover, Cosmic Edition

What’s God current project in the universe?

God is currently working to bring all things in heaven and earth under one head, namely, Christ (Ephesians 1:10). He is acting to restore what is ruined (Acts 3:21; Romans 8:20-21) and to reconcile what was alienated (Colossians 1:19-20; 2Corinthnians 5:17-19) – especially human beings (Ephesians 1:3-14).

Mostly remodels, this venture is being carried out in stages.

Phase 1: God dealt decisively with the core problem of sin. – Work done by Christ. To reestablish the connection between man and God and restore the marred image of God in man’s nature, the penalty of sin had to be paid.

 Phase 2: Creation of the community of faith, the church, to embody the rule of God and to recruit others to repent and join the fellowship of faith (Acts 2). We transformed by the Holy Spirit into the likeness of our Creator, deputized as ambassadors of reconciliation, taking invitation of God’s gospel to the rest of the world.

Marital covenant was given to facilitate the mission of image-bearers in the original creation, so it has been retrofitted to advance the mission of disciples in the re-creation.

Jesus has made two major contributions to the transformation of marriage during the third movement:

1.      He has modified the status of marriage itself.

2.      He transforms believing spouses, enabling them to fulfill the functions of Christian marriage and accomplish its purpose for the sake of the kingdom.

Marriage: From Obligatory to Optional

Jesus abstention from marriage was a stunning first clue that the status of marriage in the scheme of God’s social order was under reconstruction.

Jesus said: “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because of your hard hearts, but from the beginning it was not this way. Now I say to you that whoever divorces his wife except immorality, and marries another commits adultery” (Matthew 19:3-9)

In Christ’s kingdom, there are now two conditions in which his disciples may legitimately serve him – married or unmarried.

Marriage: From Primary to Secondary

Jesus made about his “family” relationships.

Matthew 12:47-50

47 Then one said unto him, Behold, thy mother and thy brethren stand without, desiring to speak with thee.

48 But he answered and said unto him that told him, Who is my mother? and who are my brethren?

49 And he stretched forth his hand toward his disciples, and said, Behold my mother and my brethren!

50 For whosoever shall do the will of my Father which is in heaven, the same is my brother, and sister, and mother.

Jesus came to establish a spiritual family that one enters by means of regeneration through faith (John 1:11-12; 3:3; Galatians 3:7, 26; Peter 1:3-4)

Marriage has been relocated from the place of primacy in human relationships to a secondary level of status within the larger framework of the family of Christ, the kingdom of God.

God’s design for marriage must be understood in accordance with the role it plays in the fulfillment of the mission and purposes of the church.

Marriage: A Ministry Institution

For the disciple of Jesus, the dominant preoccupation is to be the advancement of Christ’s rule and righteousness in one’s own life (spiritual growth) and in one’s own world (ministry)

Functions of the spiritual family of Christ through which this mission is to be executed are well-summarized in the Great Commandment and the Great Commission.

Great Commandment (love) (Mark 12:28-31)

28 And one of the scribes came, and having heard them reasoning together, and perceiving that he had answered them well, asked him, Which is the first commandment of all?

29 And Jesus answered him, The first of all the commandments is, Hear, O Israel; The Lord our God is one Lord:

30 And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment.

31 And the second is like, namely this, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these.

Great Commission (make disciples) (Matthew 28:19-20)

19 Go ye therefore, and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost:

20 Teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you alway, even unto the end of the world. Amen.

Two functions correlate well with those given to the first human family.

The Great Commandment corresponds to the function of relational companionship.

The Great Commission matches up with the assignment of vocational partnership.

Both cases, one’s allegiance to Christ is primary.

God’s Design for Marriage
	In a Perfect World (Genesis1-2)	In a fallen World (NT)
Ruler:	Creator God	Redeemer God (Re-Creator)
Environment:	Pristine	Fallen/Hostile
Participants:	Image-bearers	Disciples
Human Nature:	Innocent	Fallen/Redeemed
Family:	Physically related	Spiritually related
Purpose:	To facilitate the mission (through the implementation of the functions)	To facilitate the mission (through the implementation of the functions)
Mission:	To serve God by advancing his rule throughout the world	To serve God by advancing his rule in my life and throughout my world
Functions:	Relational companionship (RC) Vocational partnership (VP) (including procreation of godly offspring)	RC and VP in service to the Great Commandment and the Great Commission
Priority of Allegiance:	A prior and higher commitment to the lordship of the Creator	A prior and higher commitment to the lordship of Christ
Placement in Institutional Hierarchy	Primary	Secondary (part of the church)

Summary

Jesus came to reconcile and restore all things to God.

Two changes are noteworthy:

1.      Primary human institution through which Jesus is carrying out his program is the church; marriage is now regarded as a subset (alongside singleness) of that spiritual family. Marriage is a ministry institution contributing to the mission of the church.

2.      Mission of advancing God’s kingdom now focuses on the spiritual dimension of his rule not only externally (in the world) but also internally (within the individual disciple).

Chapter 5: Balancing Marriage

In the beginning, the Creator stated with a single man to whom he gave assignments. Because the man needed help, God fashioned a woman to be his “corresponding companion.” The original pair was given a work to share and a relationship to cultivate.

But notice, when God provided a helper, he didn’t just clone the man. He created a female human who had built-in strengths and capabilities that were different from those of the male. Powerful distinction between the sexes: Men focus on achievement, women focus on relationship. Gender differences recognized to this day complement each other in ways that correspond to the divinely ordered functions of marriage.

Christian single adult who is considering marriage should pay attention to two points:

1.      The cultural influences on mate selection. The social environment in which you make your decisions is dramatically different from that of prior generations.

2.      Both extremes represent a distortion of the harmony between work and love that characterized the original marriage.

To this end, Jesus has retrofitted the design of marriage.

This renovation entails two steps:

1.      We must correct our culture’s distorted preoccupation with the quest for the ideal soul mate.

2.      We must properly restore the dimension of vocational partnership to a Christian picture of marriage.

Debunking the Soul-Mate Myth

“When you marry you want your spouse to be your soul mate, first and foremost”

“There is a special person, a soul mate, waiting for you somewhere out there”

Fully expect to find that special someone when they are ready to get married

A “fantasy,” an “illusion,” a “false hope that actually works against people in their efforts to create a healthy, lasting, committed relationship.” 

First misleading implication of soul mate is the idea that there is “only one such person” out there for each individual.

“We will live happily ever after” – fairy tale fantasy.

Even the most compatible mate will be flawed – as are you!

Instead of seeking to be matched to the ideal person, each individual should determine to become a godly spouse who will build up the soul of another. “The adventure of marriage is learning to love the person to who you are married.”

Instead of working on the problems that inevitably arise in a marriage in order to make the relationship stronger, the solution that is often explored is to find a new (better) soul mate.

Our society’s distortions of the companionship function of marriage. The marital union is indeed one of the means by which God meets the emotional, social, sexual, psychological, physical, and spiritual needs of his children (Philippians 4:19)

Marriage is primarily a ministry institution.

When the apostles addressed the subject of marriage, the focus of their instruction was not on what spouses should do to get their need met; their emphasis was on the ways that husband and wives should serve to meet the needs of others (Ephesians 5:15-33; 1 Peter 3:1-7).

During third movement, emphasize the constructive influence that Christian spouses have on each other in the process of spiritual growth (sanctification)

A Christian marriage places two redeemed and recovering sinners into close proximity for long stretches of time. If these two individuals, who are strongly committed to one another, utilize the means of grace at their disposal, they can actually help each other grow! By virtue of the intimacy afforded through marriage and the sheer quantity of time available for mutual edification, the marital relationship should enable each of them to be the greatest human influence for spiritual advancement in the life of the other. Whenever this happens, marriage serve as a vehicle for transformation – which clearly a major part of God’s design for marriage in a fallen world.

Reclaiming Vocational Partnership

Believers are called to be God’s servants and priest – that is our vocation.

“The church is the fellowship of the called. In the strictest sense of the word, the church is a vocational institution.”

First step in understanding vocational partnership is to make a distinction between vocation (our calling to be God’s people) and occupation (the work we do to make a living).

Keyword is STEWARD. (Someone who has been given responsibility for the productive management of someone else’s property). The resources belong to the owner; the steward is trusted to administer them in the best interests of the owner.

By extension, we are stewards of God’s creation; we are “a holy priesthood” too.

Our dominant preoccupation (vocation) is to be the expansion of Christ’s rule and righteousness internally in our own lives (spiritual growth) and externally in our world (ministry).

There are at least three “gardens” in which this partnership can be meaningfully carried out.

1.      God grant them the blessing of children, spouses can be partners in parenthood.

Teaming up to disciple children is countercultural at two points

                                i.            Self-focused marriages

Children are an intrusion that detracts from the primary goals of intimacy and self-actualization.

                              ii.            Consigned to only one of the parents, usually the mother.

Christian couples share in the privilege of parenting.

2.      Christian spouse can be partners in ministry as they exercise their gifts and fulfill their commitments to the mission of the church.

3.      Christian spouse can ne partner in their occupations.

The workplace is one sphere where Christians are to exercise their stewardship; marriage is another.

The efforts are mutually contributive rather than competitive. This balancing act requires two commitments.

                                i.            The determination by each spouse to keep their job subservient to the mission of the marriage.  The mission of the marriage – to be salt and light in the workplace.

                              ii.            To be and to encourage one’s mate to be a good Christian worker.

The recognition that our occupation is to be an expression of our vocation as stewards of God’s creation and kingdom.

Model for marriage in the fallen world would be Pricilla and Aquila. (Acts 18:1-3, 18-19, 24-26; Romans 16:3-5; 1 Corinthians 16:19)

Here was a husband and wife who dedicated themselves to a calling greater than mutual satisfaction or tent making. They are always referred to together, never individually; they functioned as a team, as partners in a shared mission. = Mission Mates. The scope of their influence ranged from hospitality to biblical instruction to church leadership. Together they were good stewards of the gospel.

When couples realize that there is more to marriage than personal fulfillment – that they have a work to do together for the glory of God – a fresh wind blows into their relationship. Happily, personal fulfillment is then given as a by-product of a larger activity.

Summary

Marriage was not established simply for the mutual satisfaction of a husband and wife. It was designed to be a ministry institution. Its mission is to advance God’s purposes – both in the lives of the partners (and their offspring) and in the world within which the spouses (and their family) are to live as salt and light.

God’s intention is that each spouse be spiritually transformed by their mutual ministry. At the same time, they are to fulfill their shared vocation by serving others together – through their family, their work, and their personal engagement in the mission of the church. 

Chapter 6: The Ultimate Marriage

The communicative nature of art is also evident when the artist is God. From the beginning of the first movement, God did in fact intend for human marriage to represent and reflect a more ultimate reality. And yet in unfolding revelation of God’s design for marriage, he did not disclose – indeed could not disclose – this specialized function of marriage until the third movement. It was only when Christ had activated his mission to restore all things under God that the picture function of marriage could be explained. The assignment to divulge this bonus function of marriage was given to the apostle Paul. His announcement of this previously undisclosed role of marriage was given as an unexpected punch line to his marital counsel: (Ephesians 5:25,28-32).

Paul says two remarkable things

1.      A “great mystery.” Marriage is mysterious. Whenever he speaks of a “mystery”, he is using that term in a technical sense to refer to a truth previously hidden in God (undecipherable to humans on their own) that has now been revealed by God through his apostle.

2.      Previously hidden truth is that the definition of marriage recorded in Genesis 2:24 is actually describing the covenantal relationship between Christ and the church. God intended that the institution of marriage would be a picture of the relationship between the Savior and his people.

When Christian spouses, in reliance upon the Holy Spirit, minister with each other (vocational partnership) and to each other (relational companionship), they both emulate and reflect the marriage between Christ and the church.

The Symphony of Marriage

First movement: The Institution of Marriage

Second movement: The Corruption of Marriage

Third movement: The Redemption of Marriage

Fourth movement: The Culmination of Marriage

First movement: The Institution of Marriage

The harmony and fruitfulness of the Edenic marriage was a product of the Creator’s craftsmanship in fashioning two image-bearers perfectly adapted to one another, plus the obedience of the vice-regents who carried out their assignments in service to God.

Second movement: The Corruption of Marriage

Due to lost of the primary connection with God, husbands and wives act selfishly and inflict damage.

Third movement: The Redemption of Marriage

Jesus has come. They return to fellowship with God through faith in Christ. Jesus has begun the process of renewing us into the image of our Creator, restoring us to our original design, and enabling us to fulfill his purposes for marriage as Christian spouses.

 Fourth movement: The Culmination of Marriage

For it prefigures the ultimate expression of marriage – The wedding of the exalted Christ and his glorified bride, the church.

Jesus himself will be the bridegroom and we will be the bride.

Recognizing that earthly marriage is optional, secondary, pictorial, and temporary can help us maintain the priority of our allegiance to the Lordship of Jesus Christ.

Together, we will be married to King Jesus.

Part 3: God’s Design for Singleness

Modern Myth 3: Singleness should be regarded as a transitional state en route to the ultimate destination of marriage. Problems stemming from the incompleteness of singleness are resolved by marriage.  

Introduction to Part 3

Jesus not only redefined the role of marriage in a fallen world, he also elevated the status of singleness to a place of significance equal to that of marriage within the family of God.

Chapter 7: Eunuchs for Yeshua

Jesus was agreeing with his disciples: it is better for some not to marry.

But Jesus corrected his disciples’ reason for considering a single life. Rather than a negative fear of imprisonment in a miserable marriage, Jesus posited a constructive reason: “for the sake of the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 19:12)

Just as “Jesus’ singleness enabled him to focus on his messianic task,” so some of his followers would choose to follow his example to advance his kingdom.

The army of Christ is made up of two battalions composed of those who are married and those who are single. The roles of singleness and marriage are now identified by how they might advance the cause in the spiritual warfare.

Eunuchs: An Apt Figure

Three references to eunuchs:

1.      Who were that way from birth

Physical deformity

2.      Who were made eunuchs by others

Royal courts – a great service to kings

3.      Who voluntarily chose a celibate life

Cause of the kingdom by remaining single to provide great service to the King.

Two things stand out from Jesus’ instruction

1.      The choice between marriage and singleness belongs to the individual disciple: some “became eunuchs”.

2.      The decisive reason for one’s decision: “for the sake of the kingdom of heaven.”

Vera Stinton posted about how Christians should regard singleness, her options you may recall, were

1.      Singleness is a pathological condition requiring a cure

2.      Singleness is a privilege – the special vocation of super-devoted disciples.

Singleness and marriage are parallel routes for loving and serving in the world and preparing us for life in the resurrection community. They are gifts from God to be accepted or to be chosen within the scope he gives us for choice.

Chapter 8: Singleness and the Will of God

Our destiny is the choices we make (on the human side) and the sovereign will of God (on the divine side).

Paul’s response to the Corinthian Ascetics

Part 1: Counsel to the Married and Previously Married (1 Corinthians 7:1-16)

1.      For the married: Maintain sexual relations (1-7).

2.      For widowers and widows: Stay unmarried, unless… (8-9).

3.      For Christian married couples: No divorce (10-11).

4.      For Christian married to unbelievers: Stay in the marriage (12-16).

Part 2: General Rule: Remain As You Were When Called (1 Corinthians 7:17-24)

17 But as God hath distributed to every man, as the Lord hath called every one, so let him walk. And so ordain I in all churches.

18 Is any man called being circumcised? Let him not become uncircumcised. Is any called in uncircumcision? Let him not be circumcised.

19 Circumcision is nothing, and uncircumcision is nothing, but the keeping of the commandments of God.

20 Let every man abide in the same calling wherein he was called.

21 Art thou called being a servant? Care not for it: but if thou mayest be made free, use it rather.

22 For he that is called in the Lord, being a servant, is the Lord's freeman: likewise also he that is called, being free, is Christ's servant.

23 Ye are bought with a price; be not ye the servants of men.

24 Brethren, let every man, wherein he is called, therein abide with God.

Instead, keeping God’s commandments is what counts.

Do not become slaves of men. In whatever situation someone was called, brothers and sisters, let him remain in it with God (emphasis added).

Part 3: Counsel to the Never-Married and Widowed (1 Corinthians 7:25-40)

1.      For the never-married: Remain as you are (25-38)

2.      For widows: Remarriage permitted; though happier unmarried (39-40).

Principles for Marital Decision Making

Remain as You Are

“Let each one remain in that situation in life in which he was called”.

Believer should first learn how to live out his vocation as a servant-steward of Christ in the life situation he was in at the time of conversion.

1.      Like other life situation, one’s marital status at any given time is determined by the sovereign will of God.

We all start out single. Whether remain single or get married is controlled by God’s sovereign will. Even so, as it passes through the hands of a sovereign God, he baptizes it with grace, directs it to his purposes, and instructs us to trust in his goodness.

Sometimes, later on, we are able to discern some of the beneficial results of God’s plan (like Joseph); the positive outcome remains hidden from us (like Job). In either case, part of walking by faith is accepting our present status as an assignment from God and seeking to glorify him through the manner in which we faithfully exercise our stewardship within it.

2.      Throughout the course of one’s life, one’s assignments are subject to change, sometimes through personal choice.

Most modifications of status come about through some change of circumstance plus whatever choices we make in response. Paul addresses the fact that some people are not locked in to their marital status. Change is possible and permissible – but only within the moral will of God.

3.      One’s responses to their life situations must be directed by the moral will of God and wisdom.

This summarizes the first 3 precepts in the Way of Wisdom. Keeping God’s commandments is what counts

Wisdom seeks to accomplish 3 practical goals:

                                i.            Avoiding mistakes

“Remain as you are,” is an instance of mistake avoidance. In actual fact, any effort to elevate our spiritual status by changing an external circumstance (our present assignment from God) opposes God’s grace and produces false pride. Such a step would prove to be spiritual damaging rather than enhancing, we should avoid.

                              ii.            Maximizing opportunities

Paul’s case for continued singleness (“remain as you are”) was spelled out in verse 25-23, and his reasons fall into two categories:

a)      The urgency of the hour (“because of the impending crisis” v26), which he elaborated in verses 29-31;

b)      The difficulties and distraction inherent in marriage (“those who marry will face difficult circumstances,”v28), which he spelled out in verse 32-36.

First, Paul challenged the never-married to take the circumstances of the present age into consideration (7:29-31). One aspect of the mindset that enables single believers to forego the blessings of marriage is an eternal perspective.

“Marriage can wait; we have work to do”

Second category of reasons for preferring single state emerges from a comparison of the relative freedom single people has to serve God with the limitations encountered by the married (7:32-35). It is better to give “undistracted devotion to the Lord” than to have one’s energies divided between attending to the needs of a spouse and focusing on Christ.

Bottom-line question the never-married person should ask is: “
In which state can I better exercise the stewardship of my walk with and service to God?”

There is some irony here in that one of the reasons for considering marriage is the potential contributions a partner could make to one’s work and one’s spiritual growth.

                            iii.            Managing difficulties

“But if they do not have self-control, let them get married. For it is better to marry than to burn with sexual desire” (7:9)

In such a case, it would be better for them to return to the state of marriage, which is where such drives maybe legitimately channeled (7:9)

Singleness may be better for service to God, but marriage is better for managing sexual desires.

           

             Sufficient Grace

“I wish that everyone was as I am” to refer to the freedom from distraction from sexual temptation he experienced, even though he was single, by virtue of the spiritual gift of celibacy he had received. On this view, he was reluctantly agreeing that other singles who had not been blessed with that particular gift should consider marriage.

Singleness and marriage are equal gifts that have been bestowed.

“Gift” is another way of describing the sovereign will of God.

4.      Whatever one’s present life assignment, the provisions of God’s grace are sufficient.

The relevance of Paul’s thorn to our consideration of God’s provisions for our life situations (including marital status) becomes apparent at several points.

                                i.            Like other assignments in life, this circumstance was sovereignty determined by God.

                              ii.            It was in some sense a gift. Paul didn’t receive it because he earned or deserved it, but because he apparently needed it.

                            iii.            This imposition included an element of satanic harassment. Paul had been concerned about the vulnerability of Corinthian spouses to the temptation of Satan, so he had to contend with the devil’s efforts to derail him from his calling.

                             iv.            This thorn imposed a significant limitation on Paul’s ability to minister – to such a degree that he earnestly sought its removal. Become a “distraction”.

                               v.            This thorny present proved to be ultimately beneficial, though the advantage may not have been immediately obvious. Paul’s case, the thorn counteracted a besetting inclination toward arrogance, a toxic vice for a spiritual leader.

                             vi.            The presence of the thorn introduced Paul to an experience of God’s grace that he would not have otherwise known. This goal-orientated apostle came to acknowledge that he was actually more productive with the thorn, because of the power of Christ, than he would have been without it.

                           vii.            Paul’s response provides a model for believers as we adapt to the sovereign will of God in our lives.

5.      As one responds to the outworking of the sovereign will of God, God’s moral will calls the believer to maximize the opportunities inherent in those circumstances to the glory of God.

Do everything for the glory of God. (1 Corinthians 10:31; Colossians 3:17)

Singleness and the Will of God: Principles

1.      Your current marital status is determined by the sovereign will of God.

2.      God’s sovereign assignments are subject to change.

3.      Your response to your current assignment must be governed by God’s moral will and wisdom.

4.      God’s grace is sufficient for your current assignment.

5.      Goal: Maximize the opportunities of your current assignment to God’s glory.

Chapter 9: Single Choices

Paul shows how God sovereign will, God’s moral will, and wisdom all impinge on marital decisions.

Decisions, decisions, decisions…

Three major differences between Paul’s setting and our own.

1.      The ascetics

No Christian singles today are under pressure from within the church to reject marriage on the grounds of spiritual defilement caused by sexual intercourse.

2.      Decision making process – specifically, the identity of the decision makers

Single women had no official say in their marital destiny; contracts were worked out by the men.

3.      Less assurance in our day that the person who desires to get married will actually have the opportunity to do so.

No discussion about how to find a mate.

Single Choices

Apply Biblical Principles to Marital Decision Making Today

1.      Christian single adults have the freedom and responsibility to make marital decisions

Trust in God’s sovereign will, you have a decisive role to play. On the other hand, you have freedom and responsibility to choose.

Paul set out a principle such as “remain as you are” and tell slaves to claim their freedom if they get the opportunity, he acknowledging that life is complex – you can’t just create a list of rules that apply to every situation.

When it comes to singleness and marriage, one size does not fit all.

Mature adults are capable of making good marital decisions.

2.      While marital decisions are not dictated by the moral will of God, they are regulated by it. Regardless of status, believers are obligated to know and obey the relevant rules.

Either marital status, singleness or marriage, entails duties mandated by God’s moral will. Part of decision making process involves identifying and accepting those imperatives.

3.      The factors that need to be weighed in marital decision making must be judged by wisdom. As with all non-commanded decisions, each option has pros and cons.

Where there are non-commanded decisions, believer’s goal is to make wise decisions on the basis of spiritual usefulness.

Wisdom aims to avoid mistakes, maximize opportunities, and manage difficulties.

A wise decision will both advance God’s purposes and prove to be personally beneficial.

The advantages of marriage follow from its design: relational companionship and vocational partnership.

It takes a lot of time and energy to manage a marriage and a family.

Albert Hsu identifies six categories of celibate freedom:

·         Freedom to follow Jesus

·         Freedom to show God’s love

·         Freedom to experience personal growth

·         Freedom to find healing and wholeness

·         Freedom to marry

·         Freedom to childlessness

Disadvantages of singleness: vulnerability to loneliness and denial of sexual intimacy.

While there downsides to singleness can be lessened by healthy friendships, the effort required to develop mutually edifying relationships is greater for those who are unmarried.

4.      For contemporary singles, Paul’s admonition to “remain as you are” might be aptly paraphrased, “Don’t be in too big a hurry to get married.”

Paul’s original exhortation to believers was not a command; it was spiritual counsel. He was addressing two issues – one theological and one pragmatic.

Theological issue was the mistaken belief by some that a change in their external circumstances would advance their standing with God.

(Example: abstaining from sexual intercourse would make one holier, therefore Christian spouses should terminate their marriage)

The practical issue as described by Paul as the “impending distress”

He sensitivity to this state of affairs points out at least one principle that we can apply our current situation: There are circumstances in life that may justify deferment (at least) of marriage.

Often the reasons for deferment will be peculiar to the individual – a lack of readiness for marital commitment, a personal crisis that needs to be resolved, or other priorities (ministry, education, and employment) that demand undivided attention for a period of time.

What many people find, to their great disappointment, is that marriage seldom solves problems; it tends to magnify them.

Christian singles should not simply avoid marriage for bad reasons, but should pursue marriage only if they have biblically sound ones:

Christians should be free to marry if marriage will make them better Christians. It does seem, however, that singleness must be the default choice for a Christian, given the clear preference for singleness expressed in (1 Corinthians)… In other words, the burden of proof is on the decision to marry, not the decision to remain single. Christians should assume that they will be single unless and until they have a godly reason to marry. Christians should never marry out of insecurity, fear, a desire to escape the parental home, a need for affirmation, or a search for financial stability. Christians should marry only those who enhance their ability to live Christlike lives, those able to be true partners in Christian service, those who give them a vision of the image of God and the glory of Christ.

Major point of book: if a Christian choose to marry, the reasons for getting married are as important as the selection of the life partner.

5.      In weighing the pros and cons of singleness and marriage, Christians should place a priority on their relationship to God.

Christians are members of Christ’s family, stewards in God’s household, soldiers in the Lord’s army.

We are called to give attention, first and foremost, to God’s perspective on singleness and marriage.

First question a believer should ask “in which state can I better exercise the stewardship of my walk with and service to God?”

That question usually resulted in what seemed a tie – I could serve God better if I were free to travel to teach anywhere at any time or I could serve God more effectively if I were more deeply rooted in the home. “if married to XX would enable me to love God better.” That made a enormous difference and brought my questioning more thoroughly in line with the biblical picture of marriage as a symbol of God’s faithfulness.

You start with the objective truths of God’s design. Piper listed four aspects of God’s design for each state

God’s Design for Marriage	God’s Design for Singleness
1.      To display his covenant keeping love between Christ and the church	1.      To display the spiritual nature of God’s family that grows from regeneration, not procreation and sex
2.      To sanctify the couple with the peculiar pains and pleasures of marriage	2.      To sanctify the single with the peculiar pains and pleasures of singleness
3.      To beget and rear a generation of white-hot worshippers	3.      To capture more of the single’s life for nondomestic ministry that is so desperately needed in the world
4.      To channel good sexual desire into holy paths and transpose it into worshipful foretastes of heaven’s pleasures	4.      To magnify the all-satisfying worth of Christ that sustains (long-term) chastity

Put simply, within which designs do you see yourself living most productively to the glory of God?

What you do if your preferred status is different from your actual status?

6.      It is perfectly legitimate for those who hope to get married to take initiative that might lead to that outcome.

Singleness and marriage are both legitimate choices for believers.

Are you likewise obliged to passively wait until God sovereignly drops a suitable mate in your lap? NO.

You have not only the opportunity to seek out and court a potential spouse, but in the absence of intervention on the part of outside parties (parent, matchmakers), your personal involvement in the process is all the more necessary.

Most of the marriages come about as a result conscious deliberations and intentional behaviors on the parts of those eventually united.

Counselor Larry Crabb strikes the biblical balance when he advices:

“Pray for your desires; work for your goals.”

A goal: an objective that is under my control, I can attain it by applying diligent effort.

A desire: is something I want, but I cannot obtain it on my own. I need the cooperation of another person(s).

If I hope to get married…

I can make my goal to become a mature Christian who acts for the welfare of others. No one can keep me from doing that, and such growth and commitment may open door to a significant relationship with marriage potential.

 My desire to find a potential mate who is on a similar trajectory in timing and availability is beyond my control. Since that outcome is ultimately governed by God’s sovereign will, that is a legitimate subject for prayer (Philippians 4:6).

“The proper response to a desire, then, is prayer. To a goal, the appropriate response is a set of responsible actions”

Interplay between my responsibility and God’s sovereign will, I am free to make plans and execute strategies. But I must subject my plans to God’s sovereign will (James 4:13-16) and trust him to bring about his purposes, which are also for my good (Romans 8:28). One way to express this submission is through prayer (Romans 1:10)

The balance is found in middle – a “relaxed engagement” that determines and carries out a course of action while resting and relying on the sovereign will of God.

7.      As long as one is unmarried, the single adult should cultivate the complementary attitudes of contentment and ambition in carrying out the ministry functions of singleness.

You should instead regard your present circumstance as your existing assignment from God and concentrate on being faithful to your current calling.  

Ministry Function of Singleness

Functions of singleness are

·         Vocational freedom

·         Relational community

Function of vocational freedom – greater flexibility for ministry.

The companionship needs for single adults today are met through multiple relationships with a network of friends.

Ministry Attitudes

The effective accomplishment of the two ministry functions of singleness requires the exercise of two complementary attitudes:

·         Contentment

·         Ambition

Contentment is a fruit of Spirit is required in those life circumstances that are less than ideal – when we do not get everything we would like to have.

Don’t be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God’s place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. Is God, not your marital status, defines your life.

Contentment can be learned. Two aspects to the process:

·         Negative component

Being alert to and combating the subverting temptations to idolatry (seeking for ultimate satisfaction in something other than God) and envy.  

·         Positive component

“I am able to do all things through the one who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13). Like other divinely granted endowments, contentment comes to us as a by-product of something else more fundamental – our relationship with Christ. “My God will supply your every need according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus” (4:19)

If the call to relational community challenges singles to grow in contentment, the corresponding attitude that will advance the cause of vocational freedom is ambition.

As long as you are single, be ambitious in the use of your relative freedom to advance the kingdom of God. In fact, if you devote your emotional energy to positive ambition, contentment will likely follow in its wake.

Part 4: God’s Design for Sex

Modern Myth 4: The best way to determine compatibility with a prospective mate and reduce the likelihood of marital failure is to live together prior to marriage.

Introduction to Part 4

Managing sexuality

The point of view is going to shape your decision making – the culture’s or the Creator’s?

Therefore I exhort you, brothers and sisters, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a sacrifice – alive, holy, and pleasing to God – which is your reasonable service. Do not be conformed to this present world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may test and approve what is the will of God – what is good and well-pleasing and perfect (Romans 12:1-2)

Systems v. Rules

Two things about the moral will of God.

1.      God’s moral will encompasses more than behavior.

Two kinds of people in this world

·         Those who operate on the basis of systems

·         Those who just try to follow rules.

God doesn’t treat us as little children. He gives us the bigger picture so we can understand his whys as well as his wherefores.

When we comprehend God’s reasons for his instructions, we are much more inclined to carry them out.

So when it comes to singleness, marriage, and sexuality, we need to become systems people – like the manager. They understand the design of the overall operation, systems people apply that knowledge to the situation at hand, intuiting the action that is in agreement with the purposes and structures of the governing framework. They don’t violate the rules, but they know why there are there – and when and how to override them when necessary.

Before we can adopt a personal morality of sex, we must have a proper theology of sex. We need a grown-up perspective on sexuality that allows us to harness the expression of our maleness and femaleness to the glory of God.

2.      God’s moral will is that it is good for us.

The Creator is a loving Father who has the best interests of his children at heart. Any boundaries he establishes are for our protection and ultimate good.

Supporting Testimony

Consequences of violating the moral will of God are counterproductive and damaging. Those who live in accordance with biblical principles experience more satisfaction and fulfillment.

(Proverbs 3:5-8)

Chapter 10: God’s Purposes for Sex(uality)

Married believer, chastity defined as sexual faithfulness to one’s partner.

Unmarried, chastity is equated with celibacy (abstinence from sexual intercourse) and virginity (the state of being sexually inexperienced).

Those standards of chastity are not the same.

There are other reasons why it is hard work to think straight about sex – not the least of which is the great mystery inherent in our makeup as male and female.

What’s it all about, Alfie?

Sexual attitudes and practices of this generation fall into two categories:

·         Relational sex

Two people who are attracted to each other, are building a relationship, and incorporate sex into that process.

·         Recreational sex – sex without strings

A physical act in which two people provide mutual pleasure to one another without any commitment beyond the sexual encounter.

Human are only species that commonly copulate face-to-face. The partners are able to look at each other and have full-body contact.

The point is that for animals, sex is strictly physical. For humans, sex is physical-plus.

Rape victims may recover quickly from the physical violence, but the inward damage – manifested in depression, shame, sexual dysfunction, nightmares, and the like – may plague the person for years. – Inner pain.

Other studies indicated more sexual partners one has; the less likely that person will be to remain faithful in marriage.

Dr. Van Epp : “Sex is always relational…because you cannot separate your body from the rest of who you are; therefore, what your body does, you do. Sex and self are inextricably linked, and during a sexual encounter something happens that is more than just a physical act.”

God’s Design for Our Sexuality

Male and Female

Make a distinction between God’s design for our sexuality (what we are as male and female) and his design for sexual intercourse (what married people do).

Before explore God’s design for our sexual behavior, we must understand his design for our sexual nature.

First, bodily existence or embodiment is a created good. “We do not just have bodies; we are bodies.”

Second, differentiation of the two genders is specified as intentional.

·         Both female and male bore the divine image;

·         Both were blessed and declared to be “very good”;

·         Both had a primary orientation to their Creator before whom they lived with equal worth and standing.

Men and women were created by God’s design to be relational beings. Human beings by themselves are incomplete, and this incompleteness is intentional. The divine provision for the solitary man was another human being of the opposite sex – someone who corresponded to him but was different from him. Two persons, who were separate from each other, were naturally drawn toward each other in relationship.

This inbred recognition of relational incompleteness established a drive that impels men and women to seek community through bonding. Spiritual dimension to this drive:

            The source of this completeness is found in the community that focuses on fellowship with the Creator. Just as God in the community of the Trinitarian persons, so also God has created us for the sake of community, namely, to find completion with each other and together in community with our Maker.

God’s Design for Our Sexuality

1.      Bodily existence is a created good.

2.      Differences between male and female are intentional and purposeful.

3.      Our gender-based incompleteness prompts us to seek relationship.

God’s Purposes for Marital Sex

Procreation: The Reproduction of Image-Bearers

Now singles are encouraged to have “safe sex,” taking measure to prevent pregnancy. As a blessing of God is now regarded as an undesirable consequence to avoid.

A childless marriage can be a godly community on earth. But a marriage that refuses procreation for reasons of self-centeredness is something less than the God-imaging community, male and female, that was called to “be fruitful and increase in number” (Genesis 1:28).

One-Flesh Union: Five Ways God Unites Two Persons

Second divine purpose for sexual intercourse is experience and expression of one-fleshedness.

This broad purpose of one-fleshedness is experienced in five interrelated ways.

1.      Relation Union

This movement occurs at the most complete level in sexual intercourse.

2.      Complementary Union

The complementary nature of the sexes that is evident in the creative design of God continues to be exhibited in every act of sexual union. This is graphically explained by Dr. Stevens:

In intercourse women receives the man, letting him come inside her. In this act she makes herself extremely vulnerable. The man, on the other hand is directed outward. While the woman receives something, the man relieves himself of something. It means something different to the man… A woman needs to be psychologically prepared for this self-abandonment, not only by the public commitment of her husband to lifelong troth but also by her husband’s ongoing nurture of the love relationship… it is a gross but instructive overstatement to say that men must have sex to reach fullness of love while women must have love to reach fullness of sex.

3.      Union with distinctness

Sexuality is the urge to be part of a community of two symbolized by the act of intercourse: one person moves in and out of another. The differences and uniqueness of both people are celebrated at the very moment of oneness and unity. Reverently we may speak of the ministry of one God in three person; we know they are not merged. Nor do we merge in the human covenant. Partners should find, not lose, their identity.

4.      Consummation and renewal of covenant

The Creator invoked this practice when he constituted marriage to be public covenant (“leave and cleave”) ritually sealed in a private consummation (“become one flesh”)

Like baptism, the initial act of sexual union consummates and seals the wedding commitment.

5.      Physical joy in love

Sexual intercourse is meant to be intensely pleasurable, and husbands and wives are given the delightful assignment to grant this pleasure to one another.

Marital sex is enjoyed within the context of the divinely sanctioned covenant as an expression of committed love.

Such unions are favored with the blessing of God, spouses are free to enjoy one another without moral constraint – free from the guilt that attends violations of the divine will (Hebrews 13:4).

Illumination: Telling God’s Love Story through Our Love Story

Primary functions for sex: procreation and one-flesh union. The third purpose that I will call illumination. This involves the communication of important truths at a deeper, experiential level.

In similar manner, sex is designed to impart a level of apprehension that transcends the capacity of the intellect. “God designed us to learn in the body and through the body the intimacy of a close personal relationship”.

Sexual union designed to illumine. This purpose is linked to the picture-function of marriage. Marriage is a reflection, first of all, of the unity-in-diversity that exists within the godhead; and second, it is a metaphor or parable of the covenant relationship between Christ and his bride, the church.

Doug Rosenau and Michael Todd Wilson summarize:

            Our sexuality was designed to be the greatest parable of the ultimate love story – God’s great love for us. Sexual intercourse between husband and wife is to reflect God’s love for us – pure, priceless, and protected from all who seek to destroy it… God designed our love stories to tell his love story.

The emphasis there is on the mutual upbuilding of husband and wife as they carry out their roles with an attitude of sacrificial servanthood empowered by the Holy Spirit. 

The only sex act that illuminates the picture-function of marriage is sex as an expression and symbol of the marital covenant. Sex without covenant tells a selfish tale; covenant-renewing sex discloses God’s love story through our love story.

First, Illuminating function of sex does not put married believers into a different spiritual class than single Christians.

Second, illuminating purpose of sex is part of God’s design, it is not automatically experienced by all married couples – even Christian ones.

Example: a couple admiring a painting in an art gallery, they discuss those features of the composition that appeal to them, they joined by the another person who, it turn out, is the artist who painted the picture. In response to their interest, he interprets his work for them by explaining what he was attempting to convey through his presentation of the subject matter. With his exposition of his own work, their perception is vastly expanded and their appreciation is heightened.

In the case of marriage, it is more accurate to say the Holy Spirit connects the dots between his revelation and our experience of it.

God’s Purpose of Marital Sex

1.      Procreation of children

2.      The experience and expression of “one-fleshedness” (unity)

·         Relational union

·         Complementary union

·         Union with distinctness

·         Consummation and renewal of covenant

·         Physical joy in love

3.      Illumination of the picture-function of marriage

Beyond Recreation to Meaning

First, it exposes the illegitimacy of the concept of nonmarital, recreational sex.

Sex is a meaning-laden activity, given as a gift to human beings for divinely ordained purposes.

“Sexual intercourse must be reserved for marriage, because single persons cannot express through this act the profound meanings intended by it.”

Chapter 11: Sex and the Moral Will of God

Let’s explore a biblical morality of sex

Locating the Fence

Sexual immorality is the violation of the limits set on permissible sexual activity – namely sexual intercourse within marriage.

Prohibited behaviors and patterns, in rough order of their appearance:

·         Adultery

·         Incest

·         Homosexual intercourse

·         Bestiality

·         Rape

·         Fornication

·         Lust

Stanton Jones summarizes the biblical revelation on sexual morality:

The Christian sexual ethic… at its core [is] the teaching

·         That our sexuality – our embodiedness, our gender and all aspects of what it means to be men and women – is a precious gift from God;

·         …that full sexual intimacy is properly experienced only between a man and a women who are married;

·         …that those who are not married should refrain from full sexual intimacy with others;

·         …that all persons, married and unmarried, should be characterized by certain virtues that will guide and mold their living out of their sexual natures before God and their fellow men and women.

We must affirm that the moral purity required of all Christians, single and married, is possible.

            We Christians must insist that self-control is possible. We have to learn to control our temper, our time, our greed, our jealousy, our pride: why should it be thought impossible to control our libido? To say that we cannot is to deny our dignity as human beings and to descend to the level of animals, which are creatures of uncontrolled instinct.

Problems with Sexual Sin: Biblical Reasons

The body is not for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and Lord for the body.

Do you know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price. Therefore glorify God with your body.

The apostle’s reply is both forceful and clear: the believer must “flee immorality.” And this is so for at least six reasons:

1.      Sexual sin has an enslaving power. This is the dead opposite of the freedom deluded people think they are exercising.

2.      Sexual sin a violation of God’s purpose (design) for the human body: “The body is not for sexual immorality, but for the Lord”.

3.      Because the believer is united to Christ, when a Christian man hooks up with a prostitute (in this case), he is involving Christ in his sin.

4.      Illicit sex creates a one-flesh union apart from covenant. As such it is a perversion of the divinely established marriage union.

5.      The body of the believer does not belong to himself but rather to Christ, who redeemed it with his blood. Faithful stewardship prohibits immoral behavior.

6.      Unlike other sins, sexual immorality constitutes a sin “against [one’s] own body,” which is the temple of the Holy Spirit. Sexual immorality is thus a form of idolatry that constitutes sacrilege in the holy precincts of God’s dwelling place.

Lewis Smedes summarized the important

            There is no such thing as casual sex, no matter how casual people are about it. It is wrong because it violates the inner reality of the art; because unmarried people thereby engage in a life-uniting act without a life-uniting intent. Whenever two people copulate without a commitment to life-Union, they commit fornication.

Problems with Sexual Sin: Experiential Consequences

Recreational sex fails to deliver what it promises.

Counselors have long recognizes that sex alters the relational dynamics of an unmarried couple. “Sex intensifies your experience of closeness, whether in a committed relationship or not.”

Sexual coupling is a physical event with physiological effects that stimulates strong feelings of connectedness. Hormones that are released during sex (oxytocin in women, vasopressin in men). “The human tendency to attach to our sexual partners is built into our biochemistry and is more than to attach to our sexual partners is built into our biochemistry and is more than simple cultural conditioning…

Few couples realize that their hormones may create an ‘involuntary chemical commitment.’

When they are dumped, many sexually active women who had experienced a succession of breakups felt “burned, angry, and betrayed.” The result is a “cumulative negative attitude on subsequent relationships,” expressed in a “global mistrust and antagonism toward men.” It generates emotional baggage that has a potentially damaging impact on at least two other people who are not yet on the scene – future partners of the current pair.

Chapter 12: Sex and the Single Christian

From Ethics to Strategy

If Christian singles are going to be successful in honoring God with their sexuality, they must pre-think how they are going to carry out their relationships. They need to decide in advance not only how they are going to behave, but more importantly why they are going to act in certain ways.

A Strategy for Sexual Stewardship

Here are seven components

1.      Diligently guard God’s design for sexuality in oneself and others.

2.      Distinguish between gender relating and erotic relating.

3.      Identify stages of intimacy on the bridge between friendship and marriage.

4.      For each stage on the bridge, determine what constitutes appropriate relational dynamics.

5.      Prior to romantic involvement, learn how to relate with appropriate intimacy to God and fellow Christians.

6.      Learn to discipline sexual energy through reframing and redirecting.

7.      Be proactive in dealing with sexual temptation.

Strategic elements:

1.      Value, Celebrate, and Protect God’s Design.

An effective management plan begins with a commitment “to value, celebrate, and protect God’s design for sexuality – body, soul and spirit – in oneself and others.

Reflect the vocabulary of stewardship, reminding us that we are called to faithfully manage something of great value that actually belongs to Someone Else.

The focus is on God’s design, and we are only our bodies, but our souls (mind, emotion, and will) and our spirits (capacity for relational intimacy with God and others). Finally our responsibility is both personal and communal. Within Christian community, we are our brothers (and sisters) keepers.

2.      Distinguish Between Gender Relating and Erotic Relating

Relationships are characterized by a love that is social and nurturing the broader family of God, gender relating promotes healthy friendships between Christian brothers and sisters.

Erotic relating, on the other hand, is romantic and arousing. The ultimate purpose of erotic relating is true intimacy. 

3.      Identify stages of intimacy on the bridge between friendship and marriage.

                 

Ø  Connecting relationships include friendships and casual dating. The focus at this juncture is on building skills for interactions with opposite-sex friends.

Ø  Coupling: dating exclusively with a view to marriage

Ø  Covenanting: marriage

In between this phase have three substages.

                                i.            Considering:

ü  The beginning of a romantic relationship

ü  It includes a period during which the woman and man agree to date exclusively.

ü  Each begins the process of evaluating the other as a potential life partner. 

                              ii.            Confirming:

ü  This is sometimes described as the stage when the couple is “engaged to be engaged.”

ü  Couple should explore any and all issues that may affect a future marriage.

ü  This is most effectively accomplished with the help of a pastor or counselor through pre-engagement counseling. 

                            iii.            Committing:

ü  Formal engagement.

ü  The intention to marry is publicly announced and plans are set in motion for a wedding.

4.      Predetermine Appropriate Relational Dynamics for Each Stage

All connecting relationships (friendships and casual dating) that have not evolved into romance should feature gender relating that is nonerotic.

Sexual intercourse must be reserved for the Covenanting phase (marriage).

Three times in the Song of Songs, sexually mature adults are warned not to “awaken or arouse” erotic impulses prematurely.

“A stop sign is any behavior you choose, by the deliberate act of your will, not to engage in until you’ve reached a certain level of commitment in your relationship.” The next-to-last stop sign they suggest is the bikini line.

5.      Cultivate Healthy Skills and Relationships

Before you become romantically involved with a specific someone, learn how to relate with appropriate intimacy to God and fellow Christians.

If two lonely singles marry, what they will likely experience is a lonely marriage.

If one never marries, healthy, growing relationships with God and fellow Christians will be sufficient to overcome loneliness with companionship.

One of the major developmental tasks of single adulthood (in particular) is the development of a vital sense of masculinity and femininity.

A perception of one’s sexual identity is shaped within the parental home.

The cultivation of friendships, the development of relational skills, and the maturation of one’s sexual identity should be a priority for Christian single adults.

6.      Constructively Discipline Sexual Energy

Understand the sexual ache that you feel is more than physical and hormonal. It is designed to motivate you toward intimate connection that is more than physical.

We have the ability to feed our arousal or to discipline it. Two means for processing sexual ache are reframing and redirecting.

Reframing is mostly a mental exercise that involves looking at something in a different way. A biblical worldview acknowledges the reality and legitimacy of eros as a magnetic force that draws two people together.

Philos (friendship love) and agape (a sacrificial, unconditional love that focuses on meeting the needs of another) are clearly appropriate expression of gender relating between nonromantically connected friends.

Redirecting is more behavioral. It involves channeling sexual energies toward nonerotic activities and accomplishments.

You might overtly invest in your relationship with God through devotional disciplines such as Bible study, prayer, or other forms of personal worship.

Connecting with good friend for a time of in-depth conversation, enjoying fellowship with other Christians in a church group, or engaging in a compassion ministry in one’s community enable the single Christian to move outward into the lives of other people.

Exercise, yard work, hiking, jogging and team sports increase adrenaline and promote mental as well as physical health.

7.      Deal Proactively with Sexual Temptation

The temptation lies in the enticement to indulge erotic thoughts (Matthew 5:28) or engage in sexual behaviors that violate the boundaries of God’s design – to misuse what is otherwise good. Those are two categories:

·         Fantasy

·         Behavior

Temptations in the thought life may lead to an activity that does not directly involve another person – masturbation.

Two forms of sexual expression not prohibited in the bible: sex within the marriage relationship (bible’s overt affirmation) and masturbation (bible’s silence on the subject).

The bible’s silence puts masturbation in the category of debatable matters.

This issue falls within the jurisdiction of wisdom.

Better question to ask is “Does masturbation lead me toward sanctification?”

Moral will of God is not restricted to our behaviors and also concerned with our thoughts and motivations.

In order for self-stimulation to not be sinful, it must be done without entertaining lustful thoughts toward another person, it must not become compulsive or addictive, and it should not be practiced as an erotic effort to meet nonerotic needs such as loneliness, fear, grief, or boredom.

Pornography intentionally provokes lust and lures men and women away from God’s intention and design for sex. Porn actually does:

·         It counterfeits God’s design with an empty imitation. It replaces relational intimacy with solitary sensual pleasure and conveys a false message that sex is about personal gratification.

·         It dehumanizes women, making them objects to be penetrated rather than lovely creatures in the image of God to be valued, honored, and appropriately known.

·         It literally reconfigures a man’s mind in destructive ways.

Sexually acting out in response to pornography creates sexual associations that are stored as hormonal and neurological habits. These associations are seared into the fabric of the brain. These memories can then be pulled up at any time and replayed as private sexual fantasies. In sexual fantasy, the neurological circuit is replayed, further strengthening it. The result is an increase in autonomic sexual arousal, which requires an outlet. These memories and fantasies keep him in bondage and worsen the consequences of the earlier behavior.

·         It often enslaves the voyeur through escalation and addiction.

·         It will cripple the individual depriving him of the ability to function in a sexually healthy way. It trains him to bond emotionally to an image rather than a person and prevents him from entering into the relational intimacy that sex is designed to promote. One man reported that he not able to consummate intercourse with his wife after they were married because of his premarital masturbating. This was, of course, degrading to her wife and destructive to their marriage.

·          It haunts those who would like to leave it in the past. Image from past sexual fantasies intrude into the legitimate acts of lovemaking between spouses, disrupting the intimacy that such union is designed to produce.

·         It steals from a future marriage the fulfillment and joy that is intended by God and anticipated by a bride and groom.

The other area where a commitment to purity will be challenged is in a romantic relationship with another person. In this case the additional risk is that of going too far in expressing erotic passion.

Retreat and Avoid

The first principle can’t be missed: when you first encounter temptation, run for your life!

That principle is reactive.

Second principle is avoiding circumstances where you’re sure to be tempted.

Negative steps to proactive guarding against sexual temptation are

                                i.            To actively avoid situations where you’re sure to be tempted

                              ii.            To flee from it when it arises.

Positive side provides the motivation.

Learn to love God more than you love sin.

Helpful suggestion: “Enjoy the companionship of those who call on the Lord with pure hearts”

The constructive roles of other believers in helping us grow and maintain purity is often underestimated. The grace that we need for spiritual transformation has its origin in God. But he often channels that grace through other people. Sometimes we need discipline and structure; sometimes we need acceptance and support. These factors in spiritual health are best supplied by brothers and sisters with whom we experience mutual commitment, trust, and love.

Third principle for fending off sexual temptation: Cultivate your relationship with God and with his people.

Connecting with God and other believers is both the goal of that design and the best means for subverting temptation.

It is not strategy that determines your behavior – it’s your character.

A good character, a virtuous character, can usually do the right thing without having to think about it very much.

Chapter 13: Cohabitation: A Dangerous Liaison

Defining features of cohabitation – nonmarital sex.

Whether this state of affairs is due to ignorance (lack of instruction) or willful disregard of scriptural guidelines, the subject needs careful attention.

It Seem like a Good Idea at the Time

Those who were leery of or just not ready for matrimony, living together seemed to offer some advantages over marriage.

·         Cohabitation is easier to begin and end than marriage.

·         It can be less expensive that living apart.

·         It seems to be more loving because cohabitation does not rely on the external prop of marriage.

·         It offers a relationship where sex roles are less stereotyped.

·         It combines the sexual and emotional closeness of marriage with the autonomy (independence) of singleness.

As an alternative to or preparation for marriage, cohabitation is far from beneficial; it is, in fact, detrimental.

Specific Problems of Cohabitation

Higher Likelihood of Breakup

The cohabiters experienced lower levels of competency or satisfaction in four areas:

        i.            Less marital interaction

      ii.            More serious marital disagreements

    iii.            More prone to marital instability

     iv.            Reported higher incidence of divorce

Sobering statistic:

Only two out of ten cohabiting couples are able to build a lasting marriage.

“Cohabitation – it’s training for divorce.”

Differing Expectations

The dominant motivation for many men is convenience – available sex and shared expenses.

Liabilities for Women

A woman faces other disadvantages in a cohabiting arrangement.

When a woman lives with a man without… a marriage certificate, she immediately lose the following things: her independence, her freedom to make choices, her privacy, all of her mystery, any practical bargaining position in the power struggle of love…the prospect of having a child other than an illegitimate one, the protection of the law.

Why Cohabitation Doesn’t Work

Cohabitation is a violation of the Creator’s design for relationships between men and women. Cohabitation is a corrupted hybrid of the two sanctioned states of singleness and marriage.

“Marriage is an exclusive heterosexual covenant between one man and one woman, ordained and sealed by God, preceded by a public leaving of parents, consummated in sexual union, issuing in a permanent mutually supportive partnership, and normally crowned by the gift of children.

Two essential components of a marriage include the public commitment in which faithfulness is promised at the wedding (“leaving and cleaving”), and the private consummation (“become one flesh”) in which faithfulness is kept and expanded into a fully shared life.

Cohabitation is Different from Marriage

·         A distortion of love

·         Absence of vows

·         Isolation from community

·         No place for children

·         Perversion of freedom

Cohabitation is Dangerous for Marriage

The idea of a trail is faulty simply because it is impossible.

The mentality between cohabiting partners and married spouses are building compatibility. Cohabiters focus on obtaining satisfaction from their partner; spouses focus on giving satisfaction to their partner.

Second, the experience of prior cohabitation introduces dynamics into a marriage that, left unattended, will undermine it.

v  Lingering Mistrust

v  Regret and Guilt

v  Intruding Memories

v  The Comfort Factor

v  Practiced Self-Withholding

Cohabitation and You

The bible uses one word to describe our appropriate response any time we find ourselves walking outside of the moral will of God. That word is repentance. You should repent and receive God’s forgiveness.

For repentance to be genuine, it must be expressed in action.

This action is required for four reasons.

        i.            Most important reason is obedience,

      ii.            Separation will allow you to create a disruption between the old arrangement and the new style of relating. It will allow you to prepare for your marriage by correcting the mistakes of your past and establishing new commitments and patterns for the future.  

    iii.            Separation will allow you to establish what some call “secondary virginity” based on God’s forgiveness and restoration. This step will let him create a new thing in your life and allow you to plan your wedding with a real honeymoon.

     iv.            Separation will give you a legacy from which one day you can instruct you children. If you do nothing, all you can say to them is “Do as we say, not as we did.”

Heart of married love is self-sacrifice.

If you truly love this woman, this is your best opportunity to prove it.

Part 5: Looking for a Mate

Modern Myth 5: The most important criterion for a good marital match is chemistry.

Introduction to Part 5

God’s Design: Overview

1.      God’s design for decision making can be summarized in four principles:

                                i.            Where God commands, we must obey.

                              ii.            Where there is no command, God gives us freedom and responsibility to choose.

                            iii.            Where there is no command, God gives us wisdom to choose.

                             iv.            When we have chosen what is moral and wise, we must trust the sovereign God to work all the details together for good.

2.      The choice of singleness and marriage are non-commanded decision

3.      We make our choice in partnership with God.

4.      Sequences are important in decision making.

5.      Marriage was God’s idea.

6.      Though marriage was to be norm in a sinless world, both singleness and marriage are equally valid vocations in the age of redemption.

7.      While marital decisions are not dictated by the moral will of God, they are regulated by it.

8.      It is perfectly legitimate for those who hope to get married to take initiative that might lead to that outcome.

The wisdom of Counselors

1)      Wisdom is not revelation

2)      Being human, the counselors don’t always agree with each other in every area

3)      The counselors cannot make your choices for you

They (the counselors) formed conclusion based on

·         Years of counseling experience

·         On research

·         Illustrates identifiable biblical principles

Practical wisdom aims to maximize opportunities, manage difficulties and avoid mistake.

Chapter 14: Top Ten Missteps to a Miserable Marriage

Wisdom of Proverbs regarding the selection of a marriage partner can be condensed to four words: Don’t mess it up.

Misstep 1: Marry Too Young

Few human beings reach psychological maturity before age 25. Bill Hybels identifies at least four components in this developmental task:

1.      The process of individuation – becoming separate from one’s parents and siblings

2.      The determination of core values – the beliefs and priorities by which one will live

3.      The development of core competencies – gifts, talents, abilities, and life skills that will be channeled through a career path

4.      The work of spiritual formation – identifying and solidifying one’s convictions about God and the role he will play in one’s life

During such developmental flux, one doesn’t know oneself well enough to choose a marriage partner, much less make a wise evaluation of someone else who is going through the same process.

Grow up first, Marriage is for adults.

Misstep 2: Marry Too Quickly

Have a really short courtship.

They are long on fantasy, short on reality.

For couples who have not known each other over a long period of time, it should last several months, not just several weeks.

Early stages of a relationship, both individuals are putting their best selves on display.

At least three months for imperfections to begin to surface, for patterns to begin to show through.

“Keep all of your bonding dynamics [trust, reliance, commitment, and sexual involvement] in check during the first three months.”

It takes more than three months to discern the character qualities that one ought to require in a spouse – honesty, faithfulness, loyalty, commitment, forgiveness, self-control, discipline, endurance, and the like.

We were convinced that the number one reason couple divorce is not money, sex, or infidelity, but rather the decision to get married was made too quickly.

Three months is the minimum length for courtship. Don’t be in a rush.

Misstep 3: Marry Too Eagerly

People who pursue marriage driven by fantasy, fear, or need are going to the wrong place to get their expectations met.

The corrective: Learn God’s purposes for matrimony and get realistic about marriage.

Misstep 4: Confine Your Courtship to a Narrow Range of Experiences

This occurs is through superficial dating experiences that are long on fantasy but short on authenticity.

Courtship should provide opportunity for a man and woman to get to truly know one another through diverse experiences and in a variety of settings.

A couple needs to see each other at work and at worship as well as at play. They need to serve God together in challenging circumstances. They need to experience hardship together, resolve conflict, negotiate competing values, and sort out financial issues, whether some storms. They should become well acquainted with each other’s families and friends.

The corrective: not just time but variety.

Misstep 5: Test Compatibility by Living Together

This is the opposite mistake from the previous one.

Corrective: maintain appropriate boundaries during each phase of courtship.

Misstep 6: Marry to Please Your Father/Mother/Peers/Lover

Most external pressure on single adults to get married is well-meaning, and not all of it is verbalized or even intended.

Firstly, wrong person(s) is controlling the decision making. For a covenant to have legitimacy, both partners to it must give willing consent. Husband and wife must have the ego-strength to choose for themselves.

Second, the motivation for such marriage decisions is misplaced. Valid reasons for marriage should emerge from our understanding of God’s design for marriage plus a mature evaluation for our situation in life.

I hasten to add that we should not err on the opposite side – failure to consult with others about marital decision. We need counsel of family members and friends to identify blind spots in our relational perceptions.

The corrective: make deliberate, freely chosen decision based on biblical reasons.

Misstep 7: Make Assumption Rather Than Mutual Decisions About Marriage Expectations.

Every newlywed comes into marriage with expectations. But most of our expectations are subconscious and therefore, unspoken.

The faulty assumption here is that the person I’m getting married to is thinking pretty much the same way I am about how our marriage is going to work.

The corrective: Explore and discuss expectations ahead of time. This is where premarital counseling becomes so important. Discussing expectations with a third party monitoring the conversation can be extremely valuable. Also during courtship, watch the marriages of people that you know and analyze them together.

Misstep 8: Marry Someone Who Does Not Share Your Commitment to Christ

For believer and an unbeliever are fundamentally different at the very core of their lives.

When one considers God’s design for marriage – its mission, purpose, and functions – it should be obvious that a shared and growing commitment to Christ on the part of both partners is essential.

Corrective: marry a committed Christian who is growing spiritually.

Misstep 9: Ignore Unaddressed Personality and Behavioral Problems

People do not simply outgrow childhood trauma.

Growing up in a severely dysfunctional home inculcates unhealthy patterns of responding to others that become deeply imbedded in a person’s psyche. Some of these learned behaviors appear positive to outsiders – high achievement, an extraordinary sense of compassion, a remarkable sense of humor.

60 percent of American adults say they had “Difficult childhoods featuring abusive or troubled family members or parents who were absent due to separation or divorce.”

Two broad categories of problems:

        i.            Issues stemming from one’s family of origin.

Should alert for the Big Three: Divorce, Addiction or Abuse

Good news: the systems that children from dysfunctional families learn and apply to life are widely understood by relationship expert and can be comprehended by ordinary people.

Some people choose to deny the reality of their injury, hoping that time alone will heal the wounds and dim the memory.

It is also important to discuss these kinds of issues in premarital counseling may be required. 

      ii.            Troubling behavior or personality patterns.

The best time to deal with such issues is prior to marriage. Rather than correcting such problems, marriage usually exacerbates them.

The corrective: unpack the baggage. Bring the issues to resolution. Get involved in counseling if that’s what you have to do. Or run for your life.

Misstep 10: Choose your Spouse with Your Heart, Not Your Head

TOP TEN MISSTEPS TO A MISERABLE MARRIAGE
	Missteps	Correctives
1	Marry too young.	Grow up. Marriage is for grownups.
2	Marry too quickly.	Court slowly. Get to know each other well.
3	Marry too eagerly.	Get realistic about marriage.
4	Confine your courtship to a narrow range of experiences.	Not just time, but variety.
5	Test compatibility by living together.	Set appropriate boundaries.
6	Marry to please someone else.	Make freely chosen decisions based on biblical reasons.
7	Make assumptions rather than mutual decisions about marriage expectations.	Explore and discuss expectations ahead of time in premarital counseling.
8	Marry someone who does not share your commitment to Christ.	Marry a committed Christian who is growing spiritually.
9	Ignore unaddressed personality and behavioral problems.	Unpack the baggage and bring issues to resolution.
10	Choose your spouse with your heart, not your head.	Engage your mind, preferably before you fall in love.

Get Healthy

Seeds of divorce are present prior to marriage.

God’s grace is sufficient, but it will be needed.

“Get yourself healthy before you get yourself married.”

“No marriage can ever be stronger than the emotional health of the least healthy partner” (Dr. Warren)

He explains:

            If you try to build intimacy with another person before you have done the hard work of getting yourself whole and healthy, all your relationships will become attempts to complete yourself. Moreover, if you are not healthy yourself, you will almost always attach yourself to another person in hopes of validating your self-worth.

Two other reasons for this critical task are given.

·         Healthy people make healthy choices.

·         Healthy people attract healthy people.

What do you look like when you are healthy? Henry Cloud poses this question.

ü  You can make an emotional connection.

ü  You have self-respect and clear boundaries. (People know where you stand and what you want.)

ü  You are real and free okay about yourself. (You don’t have to be perfect or find a perfect person.)

ü  You are competent and have opinions and talents of your own, and you treat others as equals.

ü  You are comfortable with your sexuality, but not acting it out like a teenager.

Les Parrott teamed up with Neil Clark Warren to write Love the Life You Live. They identify three hallmarks of wholeness:

1)      A profound sense of significance (getting right with God)

2)      A lifestyle of unswerving authenticity (getting right with yourself)

3)      An attitude of self-giving characterized by generosity, truthfulness, and kindness. (Getting right with others –love)

Chapter 15: Profile of a Keeper

You can have chemistry first, relationship second. Or you can have relationship first, chemistry second.

There is the fragility of chemistry as a basis for lasting relationship. So lacking the time to cultivate the relationship, the chemistry just petered out.

Relationship First (Robin Maxson)

Should ask what sort of man/woman should I be looking for? Mostly it consisted of character qualities with commitment to Christ at the top.

The lady who lights my fire is the women I am married to.

Everyone’s experience is different, but mine illustrates three themes that are prominent in this book. The first is the judgment-impairing effect of chemistry. Dr. Van Epp calls it “that intoxicating attraction.” He passes along four warnings:

1.      Chemistry is not always a good judge of character.

2.      Chemistry sees what it wants to see.

3.      Chemistry is not constant even in the best of relationships.

4.      When chemistry precedes relationship, it prompts premature sexual involvement.

The second theme illustrated in my experience is the preferability of relationship first, chemistry second.

The List

The next: the benefit of developing a profile of the kind of person who would make a well-matched spouse – a keeper.

“Don’t marry a person who doesn’t have all of your top-ten ‘must haves’. Similarly, don’t marry a person who has any of your ten can’t stands.” No exceptions.

Taking the effort to carefully think through and literally write down our specifications for a spouse was very helpful to us. To be useful, it must be highly specific.

More Than a Soul Mate – a “Mission Mate”

Henry Cloud maintains that someone who is good for you will have a threefold effect on you over time:

1)      You end up closer to God

2)      You end up closer to others

3)      You become more of yourself.

This is the value-added nature of a healthy marriage.

Laura Smit summarizes it well: “Christian should marry only those who enhance their ability to live Christ-like lives, those able to be true partners in Christian service, those who give them a vision of the image of God and the glory of Christ.”

What about Compatibility?

“You need the marriage relationship for the opportunity to learn to become compatible, and it takes the first decade for marriage for this to become a reality.”

Appraising the potential for compatibility

This difference is subtle, to be sure, but important for two reasons.

        i.            It injects a healthy dose of reality into the process.

      ii.            It should help to refine your focus on what you should be looking for – the qualities that will contribute to compatibility.

As you consider the desired specifications for a potential mate, then you should ask two questions:

1)      What are the qualities of a person I could effectively join forces with in the pursuit of God’s goals for our marriage?

2)      What qualities in a candidate for marriage will contribute to compatibility?

Chapter 16: Calculating Compatibility

Those who advocate the creation of a profile of a keeper – preferably before you fall in love.

The starting point is the biblical design for spouses: vocational partnership (a teammate) and relational companionship (a soul mate).

Two good questions to ask are:

1.      What are the qualities of a person I could effectively join forces with in the pursuit of God’s goals for our marriage?

2.      What qualities in a candidate for marriage will contribute to compatibility?

Since compatibility means being “capable of living together harmoniously or getting along well together; in agreement, combine well,” true compatibility is not something a couple starts out with.

You will find helpful to organize the profile into five ingredients in the recipe for compatibility: (Five Keys to Compatibility)

·         Character: Godliness that is the product of one’s past and ongoing relationship with God reflected in specific, Christlike virtues.

·         Commitment: Faithfulness to the marriage covenant underwritten by the reliability of the promise keeper.

·         Comparability: Similarities that promote unity of perspective and purpose

Ø  Where you came from – background

Ø  Where you are going – goals

Ø  What you are like – personal makeup

Ø  What matters to you – values

Ø  What you hope for – expectations

·         Complementarity: Differences that help each other grow, to be better than either could be your own.

·         Chemistry: A powerful feeling of attraction for another person.

5 keys to Compatibility

Character

 Character is one’s moral nature – those convictions and traits that guide one’s attitudes, motives, and actions.

When considering a prospective mate, character is the most important thing.

In fallen world, one purpose of marriage is the growth of spiritual character in the lives of each family member. Each spouse is to intentionally build the other up in godliness. Christian single adult should be looking for someone of sufficient spiritual maturity and commitment to have the inclination and capacity to pursue those God-given purposes.

The only things that last are in a person’s character.

Character is fleshed out in specific traits. New Testament abounds in lists of desirable virtues: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control, humility, compassion, integrity, forbearance, mercy, gratitude, endurance, contentment, generosity.

The Best and the Worst

If two people who are kind, there is no possibility of divorce.

Both men and women rate kindness as the second most important quality to look for in a mate.

The other three virtues emphasized by the Jewish commentators were humility, responsibility, and contentment. Young and Adams highlight 5 character qualities: faithful, honest, committed, forgiving and giving.

Dr. Warren warns against obstreperousness – “a big word for a person who is harsh, critical, unappreciative, difficult to please and never satisfied.”

 First, nobody’s perfect. Anyone you consider will be a work-in-progress. A realistic standard is relative maturity.

Second, according bible, production of godly character is a joint effort between God and the believer. “The fruit of the Spirit” that comes as we “remain” in Christ. Accordingly, you should pay attention to the priority a prospective spouse places on the cultivation of their relationship with God. Furthermore since relationship is the best expressed and advanced in community, that person’s involvement with a local church is highly relevant.

Apparently I said, “Find the most spiritually mature person who will have you, and marry them.”

Commitment

Cohabiters test compatibility, spouses build compatibility.

Commitment is more than continuing to stick it out and suffer with a poor choice of a spouse. It’s not just maintaining; it’s investing. It’s not just enduring; it’s working to make the relationship grow. It’s not just accepting and tolerating negative and destructive patterns on the part of your spouse; it’s working toward change. It’s sticking to someone regardless of circumstances.

Comparability (Similarities) and Complementarity (Differences)

Two partners have a blend of similarities and differences in personalities, backgrounds and lifestyles. The balance of this blend is what makes or breaks the couple.

If you are looking for an intimately in fulfilling God’s mission, then you’re going to want your partner to be like you in ways that promote unity of purpose and perspective, while bringing distinctive characteristic and aptitudes that strengthen the team.

Constructive Similarities

As you compile your profile, you will want to pay attention to the following five areas:

1.      Where you have come from. – Background similar will affect the ease with which you develop compatibility.

2.      Where you are going. – Our goals and dreams give direction to our lives.

3.      What you are like. –Features of personal makeup where similarities are important include level of ambition, level of energy, level of intelligence (education) , sense of humor (laugh at same things?), desire and ability for verbal intimacy, personal habits (punctuality, cleanliness, orderliness, social graces, weight management), work habits and personal interests.

Similarities in these areas (especially common interests) will advance the cause of compatibility.

4.      What matters to you. Values are the convictions and principles that guide the way we live and make decisions. This is the most important category where alignment between allies is required.

5.      What you hope for. Your expectations of what your marriage will be like are shaped by the previous four categories.

Complementary Differences

Significantly different from you in at least one respect – gender

Variety in the temperaments, aptitudes, skills, gifts, talents, abilities and experiences that people bring to their relationship

Dangerous Differences

Instead of mutual relationship of love, an unhealthy dependency is established.

Unbalanced people have a knack of finding each other: addicts find codependents, abusers find the victimized, controlled find adapters the emotionally need find rescuers.

John Van Epp gives three helpful guidelines:

1.      Complementarity exists when time ends up refining the blend of differences in mutually beneficial ways.

2.      This produces a deep and mutual appreciation of differences

3.      Partners with true complementarity become less different and more alike overtime.

This is one evidence that they are becoming compatible.

Matching Temperaments?

The DISC personality inventory to help individuals understand their behavioral styles, identify the distinctive patterns of others and recognize how those variations affect their interactions. This format helped us to see both the similarities and differences.

More important, the value of that diversity

Those differences will make us more effective as a team – if we value and utilize the strengths of each type and make allowance for those tendencies that are different from ours.

Each style has strengths and weaknesses.

We will become most effective in relating to and working with each other when we

1.      Understand each other’s styles and perspectives

2.      Appreciate the value of the other’s distinctive makeup

3.      Resist the impulse to try to change that person to become like us

4.      Show respect in every interaction

Henry Cloud and John Townsend encourage singles to keep an open mind in this area. Sometimes people are too restrictive, limiting consideration of potential dates to those who are “my type.” A lot of happy married people who kept an open mind were surprised by the kind of person they ended up with.

Chemistry

·         Powerful feeling of attraction for another person

·         Is kind of emotional magnetism that draws two people toward one another

·         It creates the desire to be close, to hold hands, to kiss, to have sex

·         Sense of connectedness that is the precondition of falling in love

·         No one knows what causes it.

·         Appear to be a spontaneous response to a complex of factors that could include some combination of physical appearance, personality, sense of humor, charm, intellect, status, talents, spirituality, or the release of pheromones.

·         You either have it or you don’t

Million couples whose marriages were arranged have started by “rubbing two sticks together” with highly satisfactory results.

I found out, one can always pray.

Chemistry: “Don’t get married without it”. The more prevalent warning is, “Don’t get married because of chemistry alone.” As the chemistry of passion without a base of deeper, more important compatibilities, typically lasts only about six to eight months.

Marry a Friend

If chemistry is the icing, friendship is the cake. “Don’t fall in love with someone you wouldn’t be friends with.”

A real and lasting relationship must be built upon friendship first. You are going to spend a lot of time with that person.

1.      Chemistry is not always a good judge of character

2.      Chemistry sees what it wants to see

3.      Chemistry is not constant even in the best of relationships

4.      When chemistry precedes relationship, it prompts premature sexual involvement

Sketching the Profile

[Character + Commitment] + [Comparability + Complementarity + Chemistry]

→ Compatibility                                          

If you were to find someone who is perfect, there would be no way for you to contribute to their spiritual growth, which is one of the primary missions of marriage.

Disqualification by a prospect on any single criterion is a deal-breaker.

Here’s a suggestion: go on a one-day retreat and get it done. Study, reflect and pray.

How Does This Affect Me Personally?

First, if you are going to evaluate similarities and differences, there must be a standard for comparison. So the first corollary is “Know yourself.” Before you can think of investigating someone else’s assets and liabilities, you need to become an expert on yourself.

This is why marriage is for grownups. One measure of mature adulthood is a sense of identity that is separate from your parents and your peers. You must have clarity on your own goals, values, convictions, interests and expectations.

With respect to the first subset, character and commitment, the second corollary is: “Become the profile.” It is simply not legitimate to require qualities in a prospective mate that you do not have yourself.

While it is important to find the right person to marry, it is more important to be the right person to marry. 

Chapter 17: Courtship: Getting Our Bearings

By virtue of the explanation provided by the Designer, you have a clearer picture than anyone of the destination.

While the choice of whether to go there is given to you, you are provided with the criteria for making that decision.  Unlike your peers, you do have a compass that can keep you from getting lost – the moral will of God. You have access to trustworthy guides (wise mentors) who can help you find your way along the path. You have a Travel Agent who guarantees your safe arrival at the destination of his choosing as he secretly guides by means of his sovereign will.

What will you use for a map?

5 paths contend there is a reliable, sanctioned route to follow.

Christian Alternatives

Courtship

A process in which a man and women of marriageable age intentionally explore the possibility or marriage

They do this by spending time together in a variety of setting, sharing in diverse experiences.

Practitioners of courtship do not engage in casual recreational dating.

They are conscious of moving through phases in development of their relationship – from casual friendship, to deeper friendship, to purposeful intimacy with integrity, to engagement. This process may be terminated by either party at any juncture prior to a wedding.

Any man interested in cultivating a personal relationship with her must gain the approval of her father and subsequent courtship will be carried out under his watchful eye.

Betrothal

If a man identifies a woman that he finds suitable or desirable as a wife, he approaches her father and expresses his interest.

After a time of thoughtful reflection and prayer, the girl decides how to respond to the proposal.

This period of betrothal is seen as a time of preparation authorizing the couple to begin “releasing their hearts to one another.”

Taking Responsibility

R. Paul Stevens answer: “In reality there are only two ways to get married: have an arranged marriage (someone else does the arranging) or arrange one yourself!”

Imagining Courtship

The journey begins with the development of connecting relationship, which include friendships and casual dating.

The focus at this juncture is on building skills for interactions which opposite-sex friends.

“Crossing the bridge (coupling)” entails moving through three sub-phases: Considering, Confirming and Committing.

Considering

·         Man and woman agree to date exclusively

·         Process of evaluating the other as a potential life partner begins

Confirming     

·         “Engaged to be engaged.”

·         Couple explores any and all issues that affect a future marriage.

·         This most effectively accomplished through pre-engagement counseling.

Committing

·         Formal engagement

·         Intention to marry is publicly announced and plans are set in motion for a wedding.

If we superimpose, then the concepts of dating, courtship and betrothal onto the steps involved in crossing the bridge, we see following equivalencies:

Connecting = casual dating

Coupling =

·         Considering: dating/courtship

·         Confirming: dating/courtship

·         Committing: dating/betrothal

Covenanting = dating/marriage

The Role of Dating

1.      Dating gives people the opportunity to learn about themselves, others and relationships in a safe context.

2.      Dating provides a context to work through issues.

3.      Dating helps build relationship skills.

4.      Dating can heal and repair.

5.      Dating is relational and has value in and of itself.

6.      Dating lets someone learn what he or she likes in the opposite sex.

7.      Dating gives a context to learn sexual self-control and other delay of gratification.

Chapter 18: Courtship: Devising the Plan

“Good planning and hard work lead to prosperity, but hasty shortcuts lead to poverty.” Proverb 21:25

Prosperity is always product of good planning and hard work.

 Prerequisites for Crossing the Bridge

The person who is prepared to take initiative in finding a mate should meet the following conditions:

·         You are a grown-up and growing adult.

·         You are emotionally healthy.

·         You have a life (you don’t need to get married to be OK).

·         You understand God’s design for marriage and are committed to it.

·         You know yourself well.

·         You have established boundaries of moral behavior.

·         Your have constructed your profile of a keeper.

·         You are pursuing godly character.

·         You have good friends.

If any of these characteristics are not in place, you need to focus your energies on self-preparation rather than looking for Mr. or Ms. Right.

The Tasks of Courtship

On the one hand, there is plenty of precedent for women setting the courtship process in motion.

Task 1: You need ways to meet prospective mates.

“People who meet people go where people are”

Henry Cloud offers list of places where singles have met their future spouse.

1.      Visit churches

2.      Talk to your friends (close and extended) about setting you up.

3.      Attend events sponsored by organizations.

4.      Go parties of all types.

5.      Join organizations and activities related to your interests.

6.      Check the newspaper and web. Most papers have postings of local activities.

7.      Throw some parties.

8.      Start something up. (create event)

9.      Seek out and attend cultural events.

10.  Visit singles’ vacation and recreational spots.

11.  Exercise where singles are.

12.  Take a class

13.  Join your coworkers when they go out.

The first rule to practice in such exploration is safety.

The second rule is to be persistent. Most people don’t find their keeper on the first match. It may take quantity to get quality.

Task 2: You need ways to acquire the social skills necessary for relationship building.

Henry Cloud “I will no longer see dating as a place only to find a mate, but as a place to learn, grow, experience and serve other people. It is my laboratory of learning, growth and experience.”

So on your first date(s), leave the profile at home, just have fun!

Task 3: You need ways to get to know another person very well.

I=T+T+T.

Intimacy equals Talk (mutual self-disclosure) plus Togetherness (diversified experiences) plus Time.

Maxson’s Maxims

My first idea as to do with actually making a date

My suggestion: recruit a broker

My second idea is to establish and practice two categories of dating:

·         Social dates (Relational companionship)

·         Service dates (Vocational partnership)

Example: we worked together on a worship team. We are able to observe one another and participate together in work and ministry situations.

He recommends that you give a priority to service dates over social dates for three reasons.

1.      You may find that an invitation to share in a ministry project is less threatening and easier to accept.

2.      Service date provide a better setting for demonstrating and evaluating the more significant components of your profile – character and commitment (but also comparability and complementarity)

3.      Starting out with service-related interactions follows the sequence in the arranged marriage where a couple launches the vocational partnership first and grows the relational companionship over time.

Third idea is related to the second: whether a given date is social or service-oriented, approach it (and your date) with a ministry mindset.

“You shall not be like the pagans who go on dates mainly to impress the other person and evaluate their suitability to meet their needs. Instead, seek to advance God’s rule and righteousness in the life of your date, and these other things will be properly ordered in your relationship.”

Whether you choose to follow Maxson’s Maxims or not, you must find ways to enter into the other person’s world – work, family, friends, recreation, service and worship – in order to truly know him or her.

These shared experiences are two areas of behavior to pay special attention to:  the situational and the relational.

Situational behavior: how the other person acts in various situations.

Relational behavior: how the other person treats you in those shared experiences.

Task 4: You need strategies and structures to address and mitigate the judgment-impairing effects of romantic attachment.

The only thing wrong with those strategies is that the timing of Cupid’s assault is often very inconvenient. The resultant inflammation of the heart is notoriously difficult to schedule. But while love’s euphoria is very powerful, one’s mind and will are not rendered helpless. And one of the ways to maintain sanity while under the influence is by taking preemptive steps before the arrow strikes.

Steps to Preempt Cupid’s Assault

First step is simply being aware of the potential problem.

Second, while feelings of attraction maybe unruly, something can be done to manage the expression and intensification of those feelings.

This involves setting boundaries at the beginning of a relationship about how affection is going to be expressed and phased in over the course of the relationship.

Third step is to call in the cavalry. Community involvement was one of the strengths of the arranged marriage.

As you consult counselors, do not overlook the potential benefit of giving your parents a prominent role.

Task 5: You need to learn how to balance and manage agape, philos and eros.

Good marriage is enriched by all three shades of love as they become interwoven in the fabric of life.

Having said that, agape protects the loved one from the abuses of unfettered eros during courtship and superintends its expression during marriage. Agape guards the heart and allows philos to grow into a devoted companionship that will sustain a marriage for a lifetime. 

Agape: This quality of selflessness cannot be produced by sheer determination or effort. It is a fruit of the Spirit. One’s growing relationship with God will be the most important aspect of a courtship that results in a godly and fulfilling marriage.

Task 6: You need to keep the “find a mate” project in proper perspective and balance with the rest of your life.

The middle ground between a resigned passivity and self-reliant orchestration of events is a “contented initiative” or “relaxed engagement” that determines and carries out a course of action while resting and relying on the sovereign will of God.

Our greatest experiences of happiness come to us as a by-product of something else – holy, love-giving living.

Task 7: You need to get you person of interest on board with your approach so that you are traveling together.

Ask him or her read a copy of this book and then discusses how the principles and insights are going to shape the conduct of your relationship.

Afterword

Purpose of this book is to equip unmarried Christians to make wise marital choices according to the will of God

In the pursuit of this objective, you need to remain clear about three things:

1.      The framework for marital decision making

2.      The requirements for making wise choices

3.      The proper attitude for this pursuit.

Framework

Your marital status is not the main thing about your life. As a child of God and a disciple of Jesus, the choices you make about singleness and marriage should be viewed in term of your stewardship of a life-on-loan.

Requirements

To make wise marital decisions according to the will of God, you should do 5 things:

1.      You need to pray for wisdom and about your desires.

2.      You need to understand and commit to God’s design.

3.      You need to grow up and become a healthy, maturing adult.

4.      You need to make relational choices that are moral and wise.

5.      If you find a suitable prospect for marriage, you need to prepare well together.

Optional: if you want to get married, create a profile and devise a plan.

Attitude

Appropriate attitude for marital decision making is TRUST.

Trust in the goodness of God’s character, the wisdom of His timing and the sufficiency of His power should give you confidence that your plans and efforts will lead to an outcome that brings benefit to you and glory to God.

For as you devise and implement your plan, you can count on God to bring about his purposes in, through, around and beyond it.

 Recall the advice of counselor Larry Crabb: “Pray for your desires; work for your goals.”

It should be your goal to live in a way that honors God whether through singleness or marriage. It should be your goal to “become the profile.” What is your desire? A godly mate? Your heavenly Father is eager to hear what is on your heart.

Philippians 4:6-7