In this 40days as what I shared before, I draw near to My father in heaven once again. He reveal himself to me more and more. I can feel that God is trying to prepare me for a great purpose which he has planned for me before I was born. I keep knowing and learning about life purpose and dreams. After all, I slowly back to the passion to serve but still I'm thinking to leave. I'm tired still. Everyday my life is like a war, busy working, when back to church I know I should serve, I should love God, so I try to use up all my time to reach out the people around me and bring them back to God. I use a lot of my effort to do it, honestly that's not working most of the time. People which I reaching out maybe can sense the love and caring, but I'm tired and I feel that's something wrong on my serving. That's shouldn't be like this. I asked God, why I can't be enjoy serving, I know that's suppose to be enjoyable. I asked God to use me and give me see the need of the church and I wanna serve his people. My prayer get answered,I really can feel and see the needs more and more. Problems come when I saw the needs, I can't help some of them. I become helpless again. I pray that God can help me to change that people through me. I really got no idea how to change the people.
I got a lot of questions which I wish to ask God. I put them into prayer again....
My friend's church member invited me to a three days conference about baptism of love. The speaker will be Dr Leif. I know I'm gonna be blessed in this three days if I would to prepare my heart to seek God. I know God is gonna talk to me!!!
After the last day of my working shift, my church leader Chester date me for a meal as to celebrate which I'm free from "slave" as previously I'm force to work for 5 years in my ex hospital. During the breakfast time with him, I can feel that he is trying to hint me that I might be a full time servant. I really get shocked and started to worry. I know I have have this strong feeling as well before I met him. He hope I can really use my time which I has planned to go New Zealand as a time to prepare myself to be used by God in future. I know that's God plan as well which I have a great passion to know about love language, what's love about... I brought a book reagarding marriage and plan to study it when I come to New Zealand.
I really hunger to know what's about love. That's really take my interest to know more and more especially love from our father in heaven which able to change a person life. Everything happened in my life I know that's not by accident, I attended this three days fully. Finally I encounter his love once again... I miss those moment very well! It totally changed my life.
I still remember the first day of the service, I saw the love of my Heavenly Father. I saw how's Dr. Leif pray for each of the people in the hall with different love language. Some he kiss his forehead, some he hug them, some he just speak to them... I know that's lead by the Holy Spirit and he was releasing the love of Our Heavenly Father to all of them. I so scare to step out to receive it, Gosh!!! I'm watching over what it happened.
Dr. Leif share a message which I'm totally agree and this is what I'm asking as well. That's all about love. He try to let us know about our identity and to receive not to achieve. He was telling us about how's the kingdom of God should be. He use 3 chairs to describe 3 kind of people in this world.
Chair no 1: Resting in God and know the identity well.
Chair no 2: lost the identity, keep striving to gain the favor of God.
Chair no 3: non believer
I know I'm in chair no 2 for sometimes. I'm struggling to serve God and gain his favor. I don't know about resting in his presence. I recall back what's the sister I met in the interview. She taught me to rest in God when we feel tired but in that moment I don't have an idea about that at all. I just follow what she has shared to me and tell God, I'm tired, and I just wanna rest in him and most of the time I fall alseep soon after I have done this prayer. I still remember my cg leader Chester also taught me that when he saw my typical tiring face after struggling in work for few days. I don't know about soaking in the presence of God and important of rest in him.
The next day, some of them had share about some of their ministry in different country. That's pretty interesting. Most of them were able to encounter the love of God and wait upon the Lord during their ministry. During the alter call, I tell God I wish to encounter him no matter how. In my heart, I wish Dr. Leif is the one lay hand on me and I only able to receive the love of God. That's disappointed me as Dr. Leif wasn't there to pray for anyone. I heard a lady voice speak to me just a simple sentence which is "baptist by the papa's love" and I'm laying down on the floor awaiting to receive. After sometimes, there is nothing happened to me, I'm tearing because I feel disappointed why God doesn't make me feel his love by sending his son Dr. Leif to pray for me. After that I get up and back to my seat, that moment I'm crying out as God start spoke to me and asking me "am I wait upon the pastor or me?" "The love is from me not from Dr. Leif" That moment I encounter his presence and accuse by those sentences.
The next day, when I worship clearly I heard a voice from God " If I did sent you, I will take the responsible" I keep tearing and I know I been filled with the love of God and encounter his love truly. Besides, the pastor also taught us to do soaking and honestly that's the first time I'm able to see God's face. Funny was the image I saw a man look like Jesus ( in cartoon) is carrying a baby. Clearly I know the man was my Heavenly Father and the baby in his hand was Me. I'm pretty safe in his hand.
I can strongly feel the presence of the Holy Spirit like an electric shock throughout my body. I'm refreshed when I'm soaking and resting in him. I know I'm totally in love with my Father in heaven.
The next day I'm joining my church one day beach camping at Batu Ferringi. On that night, I feel the flow of his love from me to my bro and sister. I can easily share about the love of God and feel their needs and pray for them. Beside, on that night I can feel the need of praying for my pastor, but initially he rejected me to do it on the spot, anyway he agree that later on but I know the spirit of doing the great thing wasn't there. I still pray for him as I know God has his own timing for doing thing. Early in the morning after chit cheating with Allycia, Philip, Rachel and pastor Chin Ming, we left few more hours to be rest. Four of us (Rachel, Poh Thing, Venice and me) need to share out two single bed and I can't move at all while laying down. I plugged in my MP3 player and started to lye down totally flat without moving. About three hours later, I was awake by a song playing from the MP3 player. "Fill me up fill me up till I overflowing..." Suddenly I saw the image of a red water pouring on me and I feel the presence of God again as my whole body was experienced electric flow again. I know that's the sign where God pour in his love for me again!!! I can't back to rest again, I'm exciting... I wake up and listen to the sermon preach by Pastor Rick Warren. Although physically I'm exhausted, but spiritually and mentally I'm excited and recharge. Praise Lord!!!
I found I'm baptized with God's love and everything I see started to change. I'm willing to serve and enjoy serving!!! I just thinking to serve with keyboard, God grant me by asking Pastor Chin Ming to ask me. Such great work doesn't stop after once, I not realize whatever I'm thinking may comes true naturally without asking. That's beyond my expectation every time!!! I start to back on leading worship confidently in youth service. Some of them might late for serving, I might be angry or disappointed as usual what I did, but that day I don't have such bad feeling yet I appreciate a little thing which they have improved and thank God for that.
Subsequently I learn how to lean on God and rest in him before everything. I don't want to control things any more. I learn to enjoy every session that God has planned for me. I learn to obey and giving in all the control for him. God, I love you.... as I know you loved me at first. Thank you!!!
I try not to achieve something by striving, I learn to rest in him and get his wisdom, love and strength to make all things possible. My relationship with those youth slowly improved and I know I'm leaving them soon. I really miss them so much! I know I really in God's favor which people start draw near to me naturally. Previously I am the one who trying so hard to reach out the people on purpose, but now I feel like God is drawing them to me naturally and I'm just obey and waiting the lead of the Holy Spirit. Praise Lord. Everything changed. I no longer trying so hard to achieve something and yet I'm enjoying and waiting God's great plan in me. That's full of excitement and surprise.
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